Tyrants Of Self-Concept: Ruling The Rulers

by Terry Rich Hartley, Ph.D.

Chapter 1

Self-Concept And The Mental Spectators

He drinks because she nags, he thinks
She nags because he drinks, she thinks
While neither will admit what's true
That he's a sot and she's a shrew.
- Ogden Nash -

The Arena: Victor or Vanquished?

Like it or not, we are all gladiators. We go to sleep and wake up in a social arena from which there is no escape. Challenge upon challenge confronts us, walls restrain us, and a mob of spectators mocks, sneers or cheers us. Each and every day brings new battles whether we want them or not and whether we're up to them or not. Life forces us to face one skirmish upon another–no choice in that. What we can choose, though, is which kind of gladiator to be, victor or vanquished. Both people in Ogden Nash's poem, cited above, are obviously vanquished, victims of their own perceptions. The woman views herself as a victim of "his" drunken idiocy. He, on the other hand, sees himself as a casualty of "her" harping, which has driven him into alcoholic escapism. The poet, however, appears untouched by it all, viewing both characters as agents of their own misery. He drinks because he's a sot; she nags because she's a shrew. End of story. But, is it?

Viewed through her eyes, she's struggling under the domination of an unenlightened, sexist, USDA grade-Z, male chauvinist pig who comes home in the wee hours, bangs doors, bumps into walls, flops into bed, belches the National Anthem, then exudes rancid odors throughout the night while snoring like an Oklahoma thunderstorm. She's drudging eight to five at a job in which porcine males with half her talent earn more, and she's facing the added burden of taking on far more home duties than her ne'er-do-well spouse. She cooks, cleans, mops and scrubs. The kids are her responsibility. Has the jerk ever seen them board a school bus? She has to yowl and nag just to pry him from his beer-swilling buddies long enough to start the lawn mower. He doesn't understand what she's going through and never will. How can someone who communicates with grunts and snorts ever understand anything? He trashes, she cleans, he's the prince of lies, she's the paragon of virtue, he's gross, she's groomed. Things are tough all over, but especially for the woman. "Poor me," she thinks, "poor me."

He, though, struggles to stay afloat on a storm-tossed sea of social change. His job sucks, and he can't find a better one. Why look? Women are "given" the good jobs. So are freeloaders who wear convenient minority labels. And, god forbid, women minorities get it all. Men–real ones like him–built this world and now they get the respect of road kill. One social vulture after another feeds on them. If it's not losing a job in the name of political correctness, then it's being told to behave with sensitivity, a cheesy buzzword for surrendering manhood. And at home he's nothing but a target for her scolding. He needs her needling, whining rebukes like he needs a sandpaper jockstrap. No appreciation, no respect. It's better to carouse, drink, belch and play darts. "Poor me," he thinks, "poor me."

So who really is the victim here? They both are. Their self-concepts–the totality of their thoughts and feelings about themselves–are frightfully negative. They are victims of their own perspectives. Like all of us, each is in the arena of never ending battles. Both are in the continuous company of mental spectators–those little tyrants rattling around inside their heads, telling them second by second how to fight their battles, what they can and cannot do, what they must and must not do. The tyrants applaud and they hiss, they encourage and they discourage. Like spectators in a Roman arena, their thumbs go up and their thumbs go down. Mercilessly, they tell you if you're a victor or a vanquished. And their power over your self-concept can't be overestimated. After all, they represent every person, every social custom, and every cultural truism that you are ever exposed to. Sure, in your everyday activities you encounter real-life spectators, people who judge you. But, once each spectator is out of sight, if you've taken his or her judgments seriously, that person becomes a mental spectator–one living in your mind. The mental spectator is the memory of the overheard mother or the aunt saying, "I hope you marry someone rich because you're not going far on brains." It's the echo of the father or the coach growling, "You've got a back problem–no spine." It's the image of friends mocking you for expressing other than a group opinion. And think of all the TV ads ringing in your head, telling you what to wear, what to drive, how to look, what to swallow and when.

The mental spectator is your memory of the model on the magazine cover insinuating that if your physical proportions are not equivalent to hers, then you're a blubber butt or a flat-chested geek. Use her product to look the way you "should" look. It's also the flaming feminist demanding that you become an assertive, obnoxious bitch, or the shouting male radio host taunting you to be a two fisted, chest thumper who defends the old standards when men were men and women were better seen than heard. It's the demagogue of any leaning–left to right–prodding you to march in lock step with the "correct" gender, social, or religious battalion. It's the preacher, the banker, and the busybody. It can even be your god, your guardian angel, or your conscience. It's all these figures– and more–collectively placing demands on you, demands so conflicting that their impossibility leaves you with a down and dirty self-concept. You view yourself as a chump. In the great cathedral of life, you are a garbage disposal.

About the Author

Dr. Hartley is a social psychologist, a scientist, and the author of "Tyrants of Self-Concept: Ruling the Rulers," a 122-page ebook that thoroughly describes the eight steps for improving your relationships, taking control of your life, and living the life you want to live. It includes easy-to-relate-to stories, examples, humor, and concrete, practical worksheets and exercises that get results fast.