The narcissist is almost always the third kind of communicator. This, obviously, is a gross over-simplification. Still, this profile provides an insight into the mating mechanism of the narcissist.

With the narcissist, the whole sexual timetable is usually greatly retarded, either because of a fixation (pre-genital or genital) or due to an unresolved Oedipal conflict.

The narcissist tends to separate the sexual and psychological (emotional) functions. He can have a lot of good sex – as long as it is devoid of emotional content.

The narcissist's sexual life is likely to be highly irregular or even disturbed. He could lead an asexual life with a partner who is merely a platonic "friend". This is the result of what I call "approach avoidance infantilism" and will be discussed at length later.

There are grounds to believe that most narcissists have a strong latent homosexual component in their psychosexual makeup. Conversely, there are grounds to believe that many homosexuals are repressed or outright pathological narcissists. At the extreme, homosexuality may be a private case of (somatic) narcissism. The homosexual makes love to himself and loves himself in the form of a same-gender object.

Yet, an in-depth study is required.

The narcissist is a purely Sexual Communicator. He considers others to be objects.

The meaningful other, as we have explained, performs Ego substitution functions for the narcissist. This does not constitute love and, indeed, the narcissist is incapable of loving – foremost, of loving himself. He is also hard pressed to maintain both continuity and availability. He promptly develops acutely felt saturation points (both sexual and emotional). These points destabilise him to the extent that he is never there for his significant other. Moreover, he tends to have "object-ive" sexual preferences and behaviours. Some narcissists prefer masturbation (objectifying the body and reducing it to a penis), group sex, or paedophilia. If less perverse, the narcissist treats his mate as a sex object, or a sex slave. He tends to import behaviours from other realms of his life – to the arena of sex. If a verbal abuser, he tends to humiliate his partner physically and sexually as well, for instance.

This distinction between emotions and sex makes it difficult for the narcissist to sexually prefer people that he believes that he loves (he never really does love). He is terrified and repelled by the idea that he has to objectify the subject of his emotions. He separates his sexual objects from his emotional partners – they can never be the same people.

The narcissist is thus conditioned to deny his nature (as a purely Sexual Communicator) and a cycle of frustration-aggression is set in motion. Narcissists brought up by conservative parents, who labelled sex as dirty and non-permissible – adopt the ways of the Transactional Communicator. They tend to look for someone "stable, to set up a home with". But this negates their nature. True partnership, a veritable, equitable transaction, does not allow for the objectification of the partner. To succeed in a partnership, the two partners must share a multidimensional view of each other: strengths and weaknesses, fears and hopes, joy and sadness. Of this the narcissist is incapable. So, he feels inadequate, frustrated, and, consequently, fearful that he might be abandoned. He transforms this internal turmoil into deep-seated aggression. Once in a while it reaches critical levels and the narcissist has feats of rage, emotionally depriving the partner, or humiliating her. Acts of violence – verbal or physical – are not uncommon.

The narcissist's position is not tenable and unenviable.

He knows – albeit he normally represses this information – that his partner will not agree to being transformed into an object, sexual or emotional. Edifying the narcissist cannot constitute an edifice for a long lasting relationship. But the narcissist is in dire need of stability, of emotional certainty. He needs to know that he will not be abandoned or abused again. So, he denies his nature in a desperate plea to cheat both himself and the partner that he wishes to keep. He pretends – and sometimes he succeeds in misleading himself into believing – that he is seeking a true partnership. He really does his best, careful not to tread on touchy issues, always consulting the partner, and so on. But inside, he harbours growing dissent and frustration. His nature is bound to manifest itself, sooner or later. This conflict between a social role adopted by the narcissist in order to secure emotional peace and his true character is likely more often than not to result in an eruption. The narcissist is bound to become aggressive, if not violent. The shift from benevolent lover-partner to a raging maniac with a total lack of empathy – is terrifying. The transformation is so complete that a "Dr. Jekill and Mr. Hyde" effect is created.

Thus, the trust between the partners is shattered and the way to the materialisation of the narcissist's worst fears – abandonment, emotional desolation and dissolution of the relationship – is opened by the narcissist himself!

It is this sorry paradox – the narcissist is the instrument of his own punishment – that comprises the essence of narcissism. The narcissist is Sisyphically doomed to repeat the same cycle of pretension, wrath and hatred. This is the colouring of the narcissist's life.

It is inside himself that the narcissist is afraid to look. For, had he done so, he would have discovered a both dismaying and comforting truth: he needs no one on a long-term basis. Other people are, to him, just short-term solutions. No matter how much he protests – the narcissist is very expedient and exploitative in his relationships.

He marries for the wrong reasons. This way, he seeks to import calm from the outside to his troubled soul, to pacify himself by conforming socially.

But he does not need companionship, emotional support, let alone true partnership. There is no beast on earth more self-sufficient than a narcissist. Years of unpredictability in his relationships with meaningful others, early on abuse, sometimes decades of violence, aggression, instability and humiliation – have eroded the narcissist's trust in others to the point of disappearance. The narcissist knows that he can rely only on one stable, unconditional source of love: himself.

Sure enough, when in need of reassurance (e.g., in crisis situations), the narcissist seeks friendship. But while a less deformed psyche would seek friends to quench a basic thirst – the narcissist seeks friends the way a sick person seeks medicaments. Here, too, the basic pattern emerges: other people are objects to be used and tossed away. Here, too, the narcissist is discontinuous and unavailable.

Moreover, the narcissist can make do with substitutes. If he has a spouse – why should he seek the added burden of friends? Other people to the narcissist are what a yoke is to the ox. He cannot fathom reciprocity in human relations. He is easily bored with other people's lives, problems and solicitations. Human relationships and their maintenance are a burden to him.

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Tags: Narcissism, Intimacy

About the Author

Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited. His Web site " is an Open Directory Cool Site and a Psych-UK recommended Site. Sam is not a mental health professional though he is certified in More