Chapter Two: Uniqueness And Intimacy

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisit
by Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.

(Page 5 of 8)

Uniqueness and intimacy are strong rivals.

First, intimacy implies a certain acquaintance of the partner with privileged information. Such partially or wholly withheld information leads to a sense of superiority and mystery, which vanishes with disclosure.

SUPERIORITY AND MYSTERY ARE ESSENTIAL COMPONENTS OF UNIQUENESS.

Second, everyone seeks intimacy.

Since it is a common pursuit – it CANNOT BE UNIQUE.

Third, when you get to know people intimately, they all seem unique. Idiosyncrasies, all that distinguishes one from another, surface with intimate acquaintance.

INTIMACY TRANSFORMS US ALL INTO UNIQUE BEINGS. IT, THEREFORE, NEGATES THE UNIQUENESS OF THOSE WHO SHOULD BE JUDGED TO BE TRULY UNIQUE EVEN IN THE ABSENCE OF INTIMACY.

Finally, the very process of getting intimate creates (false) sensations of being unique. Two people getting to intimately know each other, are made unique to one another.

To sum up, intimacy is a universal process whose results are easily predictable and uniform.

These traits of intimacy negate the narcissist's notion of uniqueness. This process may help distinguish us to our loved one – but it also makes us common and indistinguishable. Put crassly: if everyone is distinct, then no one is unique. Widespread acts or behaviours are anathema to uniqueness.

Intimacy eliminates information asymmetries, cancels out superiority and demystifies.

The narcissist does his damnedest to avoid intimacy. He constantly lies about every aspect of his life: his self, his history, his vocation and avocations, his emotions. This false information and the informative asymmetry in the relationship guarantee his informative lead, or "advantage". This is an active state of dis-intimisation and dis-information, which casts a pall of cover up, separateness, asymmetry and mystery over the narcissist's relationships. The narcissist lies even in therapy. In encounters with professionals of all kinds, he uses professional lingo to "belong" to unique classes of people and to the most unique group of all: the "Renaissance men". By demonstrating his control of several professional jargons he almost proves (to himself) that he is superhuman.

In therapy, this has the effect of "objectifying" the situation and emotionally detaching from it.

The narcissist's behaviour is perceived by those closest to him to be an act of concealment of his self.

This is especially true in the most intimate of relationships: the couple.

The narcissist's behaviour is experienced by his mate as frustrating and growth-cramping. To live with him is akin to living with a non-entity, with dead or dormant qualities. The partners of the narcissist often describe a n overwhelming feeling of imprisonment and punishment.

The psychological source of this kind of behaviour could well be a kind of transference relationship. Most narcissists have unresolved conflicts with their Primary Objects (=parents or caregivers), especially with the parent of the opposite sex. The development of intimacy skills was hindered at an early stage. Punishing and frustrating the partner or spouse is a way of getting back at the abusive parent. It is a way of avoiding a grave prospective narcissistic hurt brought on by being abandoned.

The narcissist, it seems, is ever the hurt child.

His attitude serves a paramount need: not to be hurt again. The narcissist anticipates his abandonment and, paradoxically, by trying to avoid it, he precipitates it. Maybe he does that on purpose: after all, if he is the cause of his own abandonment – surely he is in control of his own relationships.

To be in control – this unconquerable drive – is the direct result of being deserted, neglected, avoided, or abused at an early stage in life. "Never again" – vows the narcissist – "If anyone will do the leaving, it will be I."

The narcissist is devoid of empathy and incapable of intimacy with others as well as with himself. To him, lying has become a second nature. An alter (False) Ego soon takes over. He begins to believe his own lies. He makes himself to be what he wants to be and not what he is. So, he measures life by events, difficulties, negative externalities and predictions and projections related to them. He prefers this "objective and quantifiable" mode of treating the world to the "softer" version of his feelings. The narcissist is so afraid of the cesspool of negative feelings inside him – that he would rather deny them and thus refrain from being intimate with himself. His predisposition would be to maintain asymmetric relationships, wherein he both maintains and displays his superiority. Even with his mate or spouse, he is forever striving to be the Guru, the Lecturer, the Teacher (even the Mystic), the Psychologist, the Experienced Elder.

The narcissist never talks – he lectures. He never moves – he poses. He is forever patronising, condescending, forgiving, or patiently teaching. This is the more benign form of narcissism. In its more malignant variants, the narcissist is degrading, humiliating, sadistic, impatient, and full of rage and indignation. He always is critical and torment all around him with endless, bitter cynicism and with displays of disgust and repulsion.

There is no way out of the narcissistic catch: the narcissist despises, in equal measures, both the submissive and the independent, the strong (who constitute a threat) and the weak (who are, by definition, despicable).

Asked to explain his lack of ability to make contact in a true sense of the word, the narcissist comes up with a host of superbly crafted explanations. These are bound to include some "objective" difficulties, which have to do with the narcissist's traits, his history and the characteristics of his environment (both human and non-human). The narcissist is the first to admit the difficulties experienced by his human (and, sometimes, physical) environment in trying to adapt to him. These difficulties make him unique and explain away the gap between his grandiose theories about himself – and the grey, shabby pattern that is his life. The narcissist has no shred of a doubt who should adapt to whom: the world should adjust itself to the narcissist's superior standards and requirements (and, thus, incidentally, transform itself into a better place).

Inevitably, the sexuality of the narcissist is as disturbed as his emotional landscape.

We can distinguish three types of Sexual Communicators (and hence, the same number of modes of sexual communications):

1 The Emotional-Sexual Communicator – is, first, attracted sexually to his potential mate.
He then proceeds to examine how compatible they are and only then does he fall in love and engage in sexual intercourse.
He forms a relationship that is based on a perception of the other as a whole, as an amalgam of attributes.
His relationships last a reasonable period of time and they disintegrate as incremental changes in the psychological make up of the two parties encroach upon their mutual appreciation and create emotional deficiencies and hunger which can be satisfied only by again resorting to the outer world.

2. The Transactional Sexual Communicator – first examines whether he and the prospective mate are mutually compatible.
If he finds compatibility, he proceeds to test the mate sexually and then forms habits, which, put together, present a fair resemblance of love, though a dispassionate one.
He forms relationships with people he judges to be reliable partners and good friends. Only a modicum of desire and passion is added to this brew – but its mettle is, usually, very strong and relationships formed on these bases are the longest.

3. The Purely Sexual Communicator – is first, attracted sexually to his potential mate.
He then proceeds to sexually explore and test the counter-party.
This interaction leads to the development of an emotional correlate, partly the result of habit forming.
This communicator has the shortest, most disastrous relationships. He treats his mate as he would an object or a function. With him, the problem is a saturation of experiences.
As any addict would do – he has to increase the dose as he proceeds and this tends to severely destabilise his relationships.

About the Author

Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited. His Web site " is an Open Directory Cool Site and a Psych-UK recommended Site. Sam is not a mental health professional though he is certified in