Introducton, Part 3

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisit
by Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.

(Page 3 of 8)

This division of labour between parents and children is vital both to development and to proper adaptation. The child must feel, in a functional family, that he can share his experiences without being defensive and that the feedback that he is likely to get will be open and unbiased. The only "bias" acceptable (often because it is consistent with constant outside feedback) is the set of beliefs, values and goals that are finally internalised by the child by way of imitation and unconscious identification. So, the family is the first and the most important source of identity and emotional support. It is a greenhouse where a child feels loved, accepted and secure – the prerequisites for the development of personal resources. On the material level, the family should provide the basic necessities (and, preferably, beyond), physical care and protection and refuge and shelter during crises.

The role of the mother (the Primary Object) has been often discussed and dissected. The father's part is mostly neglected, even in professional literature. However, recent research demonstrates his importance to the orderly and healthy development of the child.

The father participates in the day-to-day care, is an intellectual catalyst, who encourages the child to develop his interests and to satisfy his curiosity through the manipulation of various instruments and games. He is a source of authority and discipline, a boundary setter, enforcing and encouraging positive behaviours and eliminating negative ones. He also provides emotional support and economic security, thus stabilising the family unit. Finally, he is the prime source of masculine orientation and identification to the male child – and gives warmth and love as a male to his daughter, without exceeding the socially permissible limits.

We can safely say that the narcissist's family is as severely disordered as he is. He is largely a reflection of its dysfunction. One or more (usually, many more) of the functions aforementioned are improperly fulfilled.

The two most important mechanisms are:

First, the mechanism of self-deception. The narcissist's internal dialogue is "I do have a relationship with my parents. It is my fault – the fault of my emotions, sensations, aggressions and passions – that this relationship is not working. It is, therefore, my responsibility to make amends. I will construct a narrative in which I am both loved and punished. In this script, I will allocate roles to myself and to my parents. This way, everything will be fine and we will all be happy."

Second is the mechanism of over-valuation (idealisation) and devaluation. The dual roles of sadist and punished masochist (Superego and Ego), parent and child permeate, all the of the narcissist's interactions with other people.

The narcissist experiences a reversal of roles as his relationships progress.

At the beginning of every relationship he is the child in need of attention, approval and admiration. He becomes dependent.

Then, at the first sign of disapproval (real or imaginary), he becomes an avowed sadist, punishing and inflicting pain.

Otto Kernberg [1975, 1984, 1987] is a senior member of the object relations school in psychology [Kohut, Kernberg, Klein, Winnicott].

Kernberg disagrees with Freud. He regards the division between an "object libido" (=energy directed at objects, people in the immediate vicinity of the infant and who are meaningful to him) and a "narcissistic libido" (=energy directed at the self as the most immediate and satisfying object), which precedes it – as artificial.

Whether a "child" develops normal or pathological narcissism depends on the relations between the representations of the self (=roughly, the image of the self that the child forms in his mind) and the representations of objects (=roughly, the images of the objects that the child in his mind, based on all the information available to him, including emotional data). It is also dependent on the relationship between the representations of the self and real, external, "objective" objects. Add to this instinctual conflicts related both to the libido and to aggression (these very strong emotions give rise to strong conflicts in the child) and a comprehensive explanation concerning the formation of pathological narcissism emerges.

Kernberg's concept of Self is closely related to Freud's concept of Ego. The self is dependent upon the unconscious, which exerts a constant influence on all mental functions. Pathological narcissism, therefore, reflects a libidinal investment in a pathologically structured self and not in a normal, integrative structure of the self. The narcissist suffers from a self, which is devalued or fixated on aggression.

All object relations of such a self are distorted: it detaches from the real objects (because they hurt him often), dissociates, represses, or projects. Narcissism is not merely a fixation on an early developmental stage. It is not confined to the failure to develop intra-psychic structures.

It is an active, libidinal investment in a deformed structure of the self.

Kohut, as we said, regarded narcissism as the final product of the failing efforts of parents to cope with the needs of the child to idealise and to be grandiose (for instance, to be omnipotent).

Idealisation is an important developmental path leading to narcissism. The child merges the idealised aspects of the images of the parent [Imago in Kohut's terminology] with those wide segments of the image of the parent which are cathected (infused) with object libido (=in which the child invests the energy that he reserves for objects). This exerts an enormous and all-important influence on the re-internalisation processes (=the processes in which the child re-introduced the objects and their images into his mind) which are right for each of the successive phases. Through these processes, two permanent nuclei of the personality are constructed:

a. The basic, neutralising texture of the psyche, and

b. The ideal Superego

Both of them are characterised by an invested instinctual narcissistic cathexis (=invested energy of self-love which is instinctual).

At first, the child idealises his parents. As he grows, he begins to notice their shortcomings and vices. He withdraws part of the idealising libido from the images of the parents, which is conducive to the natural development of the Superego. The narcissistic part of the child's psyche remains vulnerable throughout its development. This is largely true until the "child" re-internalises the ideal parent image.

Also, the very construction of the mental apparatus can be tampered with by traumatic deficiencies and by object losses right through the Oedipal period (and even in latency and in adolescence). The same effect can be attributed to traumatic disappointment by objects.

Disturbances leading to the formation of NPD can be thus grouped into:

1. Very early disturbances in the relationship with an ideal object. These lead to a structural weakness of the personality, which develops a deficient and/or dysfunctional stimuli-filtering mechanism. The ability of the individual to maintain a basic narcissistic homeostasis of the personality is damaged.
Such a person suffers from diffusive narcissistic vulnerability.

2. A disturbance occurring later in life – but still pre-Oedipally – affects the pre-Oedipal formation of the basic fabric of the control, channelling and neutralising of drives and urges. The nature of the disturbance has to be a traumatic encounter with the ideal object (such as a major disappointment). The symptomatic manifestation of this structural defect is the propensity to re – sexualise drive derivatives and internal and external conflicts either in the form of fantasies or in the form of deviant acts.

3. A disturbance formed in the Oedipal or even in the early latent phases – inhibits the completion of the Superego idealisation. This is especially true of a disappointment related to an ideal object of the late pre-Oedipal and the Oedipal stages, where the partly idealised external parallel of the newly internalised object is traumatically destroyed.

Such a person possesses a set of values and standards – but he forever looks for ideal external figures from whom he aspires to derive the affirmation and the leadership that his insufficiently idealised Superego cannot supply.

It is commonly agreed that a loss (real or perceived) at a critical junction in the psychological development of the child – forces him to refer to himself for nurturing and for gratification. The child ceases to trust others and his ability to develop object love or to idealise is hampered. He is constantly shadowed by the feeling that only he can satisfy his emotional needs.

He exploits people, sometimes unintentionally, but always ruthlessly and mercilessly. He uses them to obtain confirmation of the accuracy of his grandiose self-portrait.

The narcissist is usually above treatment. He knows best. His superiority extends to his therapist in particular and to psychology in general. He seeks treatment only following a major crisis, which directly threatens his projected and perceived image. We can say that the narcissist's "pride" has to be severely hurt to motivate him to admit his need for help. Even then, the therapy sessions resemble a battleground. The narcissist is aloof and distanced, demonstrates his superiority in a myriad of ways, resents what he perceives to be an intrusion on his innermost sanctum. He is offended by any hint regarding defects or dysfunctions in his personality or in his behaviour. A narcissist is a narcissist is a narcissist – even when he asks for help with his world and worldview shattered.

About the Author

Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited. His Web site " is an Open Directory Cool Site and a Psych-UK recommended Site. Sam is not a mental health professional though he is certified in