Introducton, Part 2

Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisit
by Sam Vaknin, Ph.D.

(Page 2 of 8)

This is such a crucial matter, that the narcissist cannot take chances. He would rather be mistaken — then null and void. He would rather discern disapproval and unjustified criticism where there is none — then face the consequences of being caught off-guard.

The narcissist has to condition his human environment to refrain from expressing criticism and disapproval of him or of his actions and decisions. He has to teach people around him that these will provoke him into frightful fits of temper and rage attacks and turn him into a constantly cantankerous and irascible person. The disproportion of his reactions constitutes a punishment for their lack of consideration and their ignorance of his true psychological state. In a curious reversal of roles — the narcissist blames others for his behaviour, accuses them of provoking him and believes firmly that “they” should be penalised accordingly. There is no way to dissuade the narcissist once he has embarked on one of his temper tantrums. Apologies — unless accompanied by verbal or other humiliation — are not enough. The fuel of his rage is spent mainly on vitriolic verbal send-offs directed at the (often imaginary) perpetrator of the (oft imaginary) offence.

A coherent picture emerges:

The narcissist — wittingly or not — utilises people to buttress his self-image and self-worth. As long and in as much as they are instrumental in achieving these goals — he holds them in high regard, they are valuable to him. He sees them only through this lens. This is a result of his inability to love humans: he lacks empathy, he thinks utility, and he reduces others to mere instruments. If they cease to “function”, if — no matter how inadvertently — they cause him to doubt this illusory, half-baked, self-esteem — they become the subject of a reign of terror. The narcissist then proceeds to hurt these “insubordinate wretches”. He belittles and humiliates them. He displays aggression and violence in myriad forms. His behaviour metamorphesises, kaleidoscopically, from over-valuation of the useful other — to a severe devaluation of same.

The narcissist abhors, almost physiologically, people judged by him to be “useless”.

These rapid alterations between absolute overvaluation to complete devaluation of others make the maintenance of long-term interpersonal relationships all but impossible.

The more pathological form of narcissism — the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) — was defined in the successive versions of the American DSM and the European ICD. It is useful to scrutinise these geological layers of clinical observations and their interpretation. In 1977 the DSM-III criteria included [the following texts are adaptations of the original ones]:

• An inflated valuation of oneself (exaggeration of talents and achievements, demonstration of presumptuous self-confidence);

• Interpersonal exploitation (uses others to satisfy his needs and desires, expects preferential treatment without undertaking mutual commitments);

• Possesses expansive imagination (externalises immature and non-regimented fantasies, “prevaricates to redeem self-illusions”);

• Displays supercilious imperturbability (except when the narcissistic confidence is shaken), nonchalant, unimpressed and cold-blooded;

• Defective social conscience (rebels against the conventions of common social existence, does not value personal integrity and the rights of other people).

Compare the 1977 version with the one adopted 10 years later [in the DSM-III-R] and expanded upon in 1994 [in the DSM-IV] and in 2000 [the DSM-IV-TR]:

An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or in behaviour), a need for admiration and a marked lack of empathy which starts at early adulthood and is present in a variety of contexts.

At least 5 of the following should be present for a person to be diagnosed as suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

• Possesses a grandiose sense of self-importance (for example: exaggerates his achievements and his talents, expects his superiority to be recognised without having the commensurate skills or achievements); • Pre-occupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance and beauty or of ideal love; • Believes that he is unique and special and that only high status and special people (or institutions) could understand him (or that it is only with such people and institutions that it is worth his while to be associated with); • Demands excessive and exceptional admiration; • Feels that he is deserving of exceptionally good treatment, automatic obeisance of his (usually unrealistic) expectations; • Exploitative in his interpersonal relationships, uses others to achieve his goals; • Lacks empathy: is disinterested in other people's needs and emotions and does not identify with them; • Envies others or believes that others envy him; • Displays arrogance and haughtiness.

There emerges a portrait of a monster, a ruthless and exploitative person. But this is only the phenomenological side. Inside, the narcissist suffers from a chronic lack of confidence and is fundamentally dissatisfied.

On the outside, his is a vicissitudinal nature. This is far from reflecting the barren landscape of misery and fears that constitutes his soul. His tumultuous behaviour covers up for a submissive, depressed interior.

How can such contrasts coexist?

Freud [1915] offered a trilateral model of the human psyche, composed of the Id, the Ego and the Superego.

According to Freud, the narcissists are dominated by their Ego to such an extent that the Id and Superego are neutralised. Early in his career, Freud believed narcissism to be a normal developmental phase between autoeroticism and object-love. Later on, he concluded that the development cycle can be thwarted by the very efforts we all make in our infancy to develop the capacity to love an object. Some of us, thus Freud, fail to grow beyond the phase of self-love in the development of the libido. Others refer to themselves and prefer themselves as THE objects of love (instead of their mothers).

This choice — to concentrate on the self — is the result of an unconscious decision to give up an unrewarding effort to love others and to trust them.

The child learns that the only one he can trust to always and reliably be available — is he. Therefore, the only one he can love without being abandoned or hurt — is again he. Meaningful others were inconsistent in their acceptance of the child and the only times they paid attention to him were when they wished to satisfy their needs. They tended to ignore him when these needs were no longer pressing or existent. So, the child learned to side-step deeper relationships in order to avoid this approach-avoidance pendulum. Protecting himself from hurt and from abandonment, he would rather not have anything to do with people around him. He digs in — rather than spring out.

As children, all of us go through this phase of disbelief. We all put people around us (=the objects) to a test. This is the “primary narcissistic stage”. A positive relationship with one's parents or caregivers (=Primary Objects) secures the smooth transition to “object love”. The child forgoes his narcissism. This is tough: narcissism is alluring. It is very soothing, warm and dependable. It never lets one down. It is always present and omnipresent. It is custom tailored to the needs of the individual. To love oneself is to have the perfect lover. Good reasons and strong forces are required to motivate the child to give it up — “parental love”. The child progresses in order to be able to love his parents. If they are narcissists — they go through the idealisation (over-valuation) and devaluation cycle. They do not reliably satisfy the ever-present needs of the “child”. In other words, they frustrate him. He gradually develops the sensation that he is no more than a toy, a tool to provide his parents with satisfaction, means to an end. This deforms the budding Ego. The “child” forms a strong dependence (as opposed to attachment) on his parents. This dependence is really a reflection of fear, the mirror image of aggression, as we shall see later. In Freud-speak (psychoanalysis) we say that the child is likely to develop accentuated oral fixations and regressions. In plain terms, we are likely to see a lost, phobic, helpless, raging child.

But a child is still a child and his relationship with his parents is of ultimate importance to him.

He, therefore, fights himself and tries to defuse his libidinal and aggressive sensations and emotions. This way, he hopes to rehabilitate the damaged relationship (which never really existed — hence the primordial confabulation, the mother of all future fantasies). In his embattled mind, he transforms the Superego into an idealised, sadistic parent-child. His Ego becomes the complementing part in this imaginary play of invented roles: a hated, devalued child-parent.

The family is the mainspring of support of every kind. It mobilises psychological resources and alleviates emotional burdens. It allows for the sharing of tasks, provides material supplies coupled with cognitive training. It is the prime socialisation agent and encourages the absorption of information, most of it useful and adaptive.

About the Author

Sam Vaknin is the author of Malignant Self Love: Narcissism Revisited. His Web site " is an Open Directory Cool Site and a Psych-UK recommended Site. Sam is not a mental health professional though he is certified in