Beauty and the Beast

by Ashleigh Stewart

Now, my question is, isn't the intention of someone with an eating disorder to lose as much weight as possible, in order to achieve the look of that 'implied' image of beauty that is constantly shoved in our faces by fashion and beauty magazines and the fashion industry? Yes, that image that basically tells us it is recognized and acceptable by other people for us to be stick thin, 'wannabe' skeletons!

Take bulimia as an example of an eating disorder. I was bulimic and trying to live up to that image for over 5 years and do you know what, there is nothing at all beautiful about being bulimic. It is absolutely disgusting in fact!

What is bulimia? Well, from my experience, I will try my best to explain. It is when you are so obsessed about not gaining weight from eating, but at the same time you want to eat so badly because all you ever do is deny yourself the human right to eat! This urge to eat becomes worse because we all know that when we create a judgment that something is 'bad' for us we want it even more! So what happens next? We engage in sessions of binging and purging to fulfill the desire to eat, without gaining any weight. In other words we eat as much food as we possibly can stuff into our mouths in an uncontrollable and confused frenzy, barely even chewing it! Then after you have eaten as much food as you can lay your hands on and cram into your stick like body, the next task is in ridding yourself of this food by making yourself throw it all right back up again!

How do you do that? Well, a finger down the throat works, or, if your body has become immune to that you have to go a step further. How about three fingers or 4? What the Hell, we'll go for ramming the whole hand down, that should work! Who cares about how damaging that is to your body? The only concern here is that you are able to rid yourself of all that food before it starts to digest.

For me, this process would take place in around 20 minutes. Only, then I would have the lovely job of cleaning up the mess of the sickness before someone walks in to find me in this state. It is not a pretty sight, believe me! Mopping up vomit which has splattered all over the walls, the floor, the sink, the toilet, your hair, clothes and body. You now feel like crap, and angry too because of what you have just done to yourself, but at the same time there is an overwhelming fear that you have still have some food left in your stomach. So, regardless of how swollen your face and neck are, your knuckles are bleeding, your throat aches, your back and insides are in pain so severe that you can barely stand, your chest is tight and sore, your heart is having palpitations. Who cares? You must get that food out no matter what it costs!

Now we attempt to make ourselves sick one more time, however, no more food is coming up. However, you know it is still lurking there because your stomach is still heavy, bloated and round when it should have returned to its normal state of flatness! What's the solution to this dilemma? I know lets do it all over again by piling more food inside you again so at least there is more food and it will be easier to throw up, right? What about drinking a couple of jugs full of warm water to loosen off the stomach muscles, then that will release the vomit far more easily? It is okay, why not, the damage is done the guilt is there, so why not add more salt to the wounds? You hate yourself and your body anyway, so who cares if you are hurt?

This might all sound blatantly severe or even exaggerated to you, but believe me it is not. This is a mild description of some of the disgusting habits that bulimia brings to a person. From this mere example of the whole episode do you see anything remotely beautiful in any of this? I guess not! It is truly disgusting I know, I did it often until it became not only a pattern or a bad habit, but a way of living for me. It was an obsession which took over my entire life controlled my thoughts, my health, destroyed the trust of my family, my work and damaged my social and personal relationships. It was all I cared about, I just couldn't see beyond it and it grew to become a deeper and more fatal physical and psychological problem each and every time I binged.

There is nothing cool or beautiful about having an eating disorder, but these days in my generation (I am 22) it seems to be thought of as fashionable, trendy or 'all the rage' so to speak. I have heard with my own ears, students at my university and read some messages on eating disorder sites from people claiming that they are jealous of people who have eating disorders and they wished they could have them too, "just for a week or two to lose some of my weight" I am sorry to say, but that makes me sick! If they really knew just what they are wishing for they might quickly change their minds. It is not fun, it is like a disease that just grows and grows until it has possessed your being completely. In my own opinion, having an eating disorder is just one lengthy way of committing suicide!

About the Author

www.freespiritcentre.info
Ashleigh is a keen writer and is involved in writing for an internet web site called 'The Free Spirit Centre'. This site is focused primarily on healing, personal growth and 'human' issues. Her contribution to the site is by means of her writing articles based on her own life experiences and by some editing of the other writers work.