She Wants Sex All The Time: When Sex Feels Like a Chore

by John D. Moore, MS, CADC

Tapping the buttons on his treadmill to lower his speed, twenty-nine year old Dylan, a muscular and defined body builder appeared agitated and stressed. I knew him casually from the gym and from time, we "spotted" another at the free-weights. I also knew that he had recently married. Using the treadmill adjacent to his machine, I turned to him and asked, "What's wrong?" Moments later against the sounds of classic rock playing in the background, he began to offer details.

"I should be exercising everyday, but lately I have been too tired. It seems like my wife wants to have sex every single night, and I feel that if I don't say 'Yes', she will feel rejected. Because of this, I don't get to bed until two in the morning — and I have to get up at six! Don't get me wrong, she turns me on and everything but I don't know how to let her know that sometimes, I just want to sleep! I'm starting to feel like sex has become a chore."

Does Dylan's experience strike a chord of familiarity? If so, then you know how frustrated he feels. To be sure, sex is an important part of any intimate relationship. In fact, sex is perhaps the ultimate form of affection. But when you feel pressured into having sex with your mate, then the once intimate experience often becomes diminished. Which brings us to the central question: How do strike the proper balance between wanting sex as opposed to feeling forced into it?

Consider these three tips that I shared with Dylan.

1. Use Other Forms Of Affection

There are other forms of affection besides sex. Consider holding one another at night. For some people, the act of physical touching in the form of holding reaps wonderful benefits, including feelings of security and safety. It's perfectly OK to make this request of your significant other and say, "Tonight, I really want to hold you" or visa versa.

2. Negotiate Sex

This particular point may sound silly, but for some people it works. Negotiating sex means setting up a few ground rules in advance. Example: "Let's stick to oral sex tonight." Another tip? Consider changing your schedule a bit. This may mean going to bed a bit earlier at night. And of course sex need not be confined to the nighttime. In fact, sex in the morning before work can make for a great start for the day! The point here is to work with your partner so that sex does not interfere with other aspects of your life.

3. Be Honest About Your Feelings

This is perhaps the most important point. There is nothing wrong with telling your partner how you feel. Explain to your mate that while you enjoy sex and look forward to having it, there are times when you just don't want to. Be careful here not to cast blame or judgment. Reinforce your commitment to the relationship while simultaneously explaining your predicament. You might be surprised to discover that your mate feels the same way. A friend of mine recently told me that his girlfriend initiated sex every night because she thought that is what he wanted. After they had an honest and candid discussion, much of the stress that was placed on the relationship evaporated.

Summary

Sex is an important part of any intimate relationships. On many different levels, it communicates affection, commitment and love. That said, sex should never feel like a chore. Consider using other forms of affection, negotiate with your partner and above all, be honest about your feelings. In the final analysis, you might find that your relationship is more rewarding and the sex more meaningful.

So what happened to Dylan?

I see him at the gym almost everyday, sporting a devilish grin while looking well rested and refreshed.

About the Author

johndmoore.net
JOHN D. MOORE, MS, CADC is the author of Confusing Love With Obsession: When You Can't Stop Controlling Your Partner & the Relationship (Writer's Club Press), a book containing a variety of case histories regarding people who use controlling behaviors in personal relationships. Moore is a certified addictions counselor in the state of Illinois and a Professor of Health Sciences at American Public University.