The First Few Days: Keep Breathing

The Girls' Guide to Surviving a Break-Up
by Delphine Hirsh

Chapter 1

MANAGING THE CRISIS

From the first moment that you have the wind knocked out of you by hearing in one way or another that the relationship is over, you must ruthlessly prioritize doing as little as possible. By that I mean you must accept that you are in shock and that you should expect nothing from yourself other than to keep breathing. Even that may seem like a stretch, but you can do it.

More than likely the breakup and the devastation you feel were not anticipated. That's okay. Alert other people to the fact that for forty-eight to seventy-two hours nothing is about the most that they can expect from you, though not necessarily in those words. Take a half hour as soon as possible to clear the decks for two to three days so that you can fall apart with some dignity - and privacy.

IF YOU LIVE TOGETHER

While you may feel completely powerless at the moment of the breakup, keep in mind that your ex is more than likely feeling some guilt about upsetting you so. You must swiftly make use of this guilt to secure whatever you feel is going to be the most comfortable living arrangement for you for the next few days. You cannot enter the first hideous but necessary phase of a breakup until you are in a comfortable place away from your ex, so keep it quasi together for a few minutes to get this out of the way.

You may want to stay in your mutual abode. This has the added benefit of buying you some time to mark your name with a sharpie on as many of the joint acquisitions and CDs as you would like. When someone breaks up with you, it is more than' reasonable to ask him to stay at a friend's or a parent's for a week, so even if your ex doesn't get this right away, know that you are well within your rights. If your ex is anything like the men I know, and you are crying, he will either want to go to bed with you or get the hell away from you. Do NOT sleep with him. It will not make you feel any better and it won't undo the breakup.

Once you have told him that he has to stay elsewhere for a little while, do not follow him around while he gets ready; do not hover. Be clear that you don't want to hear from him for a few days and that he may under no circumstances drop by. If you are feeling extremely untrusting and/or bitchy, you can ask him to give you his keys to the apartment-he probably will. Then give him exactly twenty minutes to gather what he will need and sequester yourself in another room and call a friend.

Of course, you may not want to stay at the place where you two lived together. You may feel oppressed by the reminders of your life together. If you are going to split, do it quickly. Do not drag your ass around moping. If you forget stuff, you can always borrow from whomever you are staying with. It's mature to let your ex know where you are going in case he needs to reach you in an emergency, i.e., the house burns down. You can tell him, but it's also wise to let him know that you would prefer he doesn't call you. You will contact him when you are ready. If you are feeling so pissed that you don't want to tell him where you are going, that's fine too. He has forfeited all rights to keep tabs on you.

Shared Pets

This mostly comes up if you live together, though some people share pets without living together. Common sense dictates that, with rare exception, if the pet belonged to one of you coming into the relationship, it should leave the relationship with that person, even if it now feels as if the pet belongs to both of you. With a mutually acquired pet, if he has broken up with you, etiquette dictates that the choice is yours. So if you feel that having the pet around is going to make you feel better, keep it and say that in a month you will be willing to discuss a more joint arrangement. Don't leave the door open for a lot of contact around the pet anytime soon and don't use the pet as an excuse for contact. You need some time to start feeling better before you are in touch and certainly before you make any kind of permanent decisions about the pet. Of course, if you always hated the dog because it slobbered, or the cat because it shed, or the lizard just because, make him take it no matter how inconvenient it is for him.

You may worry that the pet will miss your ex. Don't. Remember that you are a little sensitive and emotional right now. Your pet will be getting a lot of love from you and will be happy giving you a lot of love. Keep in mind that your pet is not a person and, while sensitive, will make the best of the situation. Especially if you are the child of divorced parents, know clearly that your pet is not going through what you went through back then.

After her boyfriend left, my friend Hannah called me, crying, about how their dog, Rocco, was upset. Maybe Rocco was a little upset. Hannah sure was. Give yourself and your friends a break and try not to project too much of your own sadness onto the pet. I have never ever encountered a pet that didn't weather a breakup just fine. In hindsight, Rocco never had it better because Hannah started letting Rocco sleep on the bed and was home from work for a week snuggling with him.

WORK, OR GETTING OUT OF IT

Unless you are among the very lucky or very unlucky, you have a job. If your boss or your clients are cool, you can tell them that you and so-and-so are over and you need a few days to get yourself together. Be careful here. Most bosses and most clients are not cool, even though they pretend to be. Revealing any vulnerability may come back to haunt you later. If in doubt, lying is best.

Isn't this worse than a cold?

The best lie is, of course, calling in sick. You probably sound like shit anyway from crying. Take advantage of that and leave people voice mails, letting them know that you won't be in the next day. You will have bought yourself a day to call the next night and say you are still not feeling well and you'll keep them posted. If you decide to answer the phone during this period, be sure to sound as if you are dying.

To make matters easier, here are two really solid illnesses that can creep up on you unexpectedly and have unfortunate consequences but don't cause too much alarm. Pick your story and stick to it.

* The flu. This is a particularly useful choice if it happens to be fall or winter (and you don't live in the tropics). People spend those seasons chatting about how "it" is going around, and often the local media even gets in on the act. Why not you? I like this one because it's contagious and involves vomiting. As it, people, even bosses, do not want you around. Be sure to complain of fever and chills.

* Food poisoning. This one lends itself most effectively to the spring and summer when you and others are more likely to be eating shellfish. Scallops, lobster, and shrimp are easy scapegoats. For those of you well known already to be allergic to shellfish, undercooked chicken and pork can come through in a pinch. Real food poisoning leaves you, at best, in a heap on your bathroom floo next to the toilet, not knowing which end of you is going to explode next. This choice means, of course, that no one but no one wants you to make an appearance in the office.

Short-Term Excuses

You have a few other lying options if you have used up all your sick days. If it's a Friday or a Thursday night and you need to get out of only one day of work, one of the following will do.

A parent/sibling/close friend has thrown out her back and you are going to have to spend the day with her and take her to the doctor. It's not a great excuse, but it actually happened to me. Be sure to mention muscle relaxants and painkillers like Vicodin or Percoset.

* In many places, having your car break down can be prohibitive to working. This is good. Be careful, however, not to use this excuse too often because eventually it makes you look like a schmo. Be particularly careful if your job involves driving because overuse of this excuse could lead to unemployment.

Dramatic Excuses

If you have the most heartless boss or clients and you have taken a bunch of sick days or vacation recently, you may have to deliver a more dramatic excuse. Remember to stay focused on the fact that you need a few days off and do not use this situation as an opportunity to see if you really are a good actress. The following suggestions are to be used only as a last resort.

* Funeral time. Death in the family or of someone close to you. This is hideous. On the other hand, it could certainly buy you a whole week out of the office. Be careful to pick a person who is close enough to you that your life would be unhinged by his or her death but also distant enough that your office has never heard of this person. Never ever ever pick someone real.

This is guaranteed to bring you bad vibes and can also be awkward when that person calls your office in the future.

* Diagnosis of terminal illness. Not yours, dummy! Again, this is to be used only in extreme circumstances. The ill fiiend/farnily member has asked to stay with you for a few days. What could you say? Don't get caught up in any conversations focusing on what a brave and compassionate friend/relative you are. We both know the truth.

No Getting Out of It

Unfortunately, there are times when work cannot be avoided. Maybe you have an important presentation with colleagues from out of town, maybe you are a wedding planner and it's the big day. Whatever it is, denial of the breakup is the best way to go. Thank your now-ex for his input and get away from him so you can try to pretend he's just out of town. In the case of a presentation, make sure that you have everything you are going to say written down. With an event, come armed with to-do lists. just focus on getting the work done so you can then move on to your breakdown. Keep in mind that it's fine if you do a lousy job. One bad performance will not in the long run ruin your career. When the work is done, do whatever you need to do to have a few days to yourself. If you need help, refer to the above suggestions.

This may not make you feel better right now, but there is a minuscule silver lining to the "have to work" scenario. It will come back to serve you later in the "anger" phase because you will have solid facts to support your theory that your ex is an ass. Anyone who breaks up with you during a work crunch surely sucks.

Friends: Reaching Out

As I've said, it's essential to get in touch with one or several close friends immediately. It is wise to call someone who is a very tolerant listener because you are not ready to have a real conversation just yet. For now, skip calling anyone who is going to lecture you on how he or she knew this would happen, or on how much of a jerk your ex was, or both. It is also best to call someone who won't mind if you are incapable of stringing together complete sentences, or if you are mostly just sobbing and dry heaving. If there isn't anyone this angelic in your circle of close friends, make your best choice. Also, if you can't reach the person you want to talk to, leave her a message to call you and then move on to calling other friends to keep yourself busy until your top choice calls you back. One important note, when leaving messages on friends' answering machines or if you are crying when you first get friends on the phone: However badly you are doing, try to croak out the words "broke up." Not to say that you are not in a serious crisis, but you don't want your friends to worry that a loved one has died, even if it feels a little that way.

Talking to friends is the very best tool you have in your own recovery, and you should make use of them and their love for you. You would do the same for them (if you wouldn't before, you will in the future), so do not feel bashful. They are sad that you are sad and they want to help you feel better. Ask them where they will be so that if you are a wreck you know where to find them. Check out the availability of several friends so you will almost always have someone to call and needn't rely on one person who, even if you are her favorite person in the whole world, probably has a few things that she needs to do. Take a piece of paper and write down when and where you can reach people for the next couple of days.

You may want to ask a friend to come and stay with you for a few days. If you do this, keep in mind that you should still keep up contact with a few other friends so the friend who is staying with you has time to do whatever she has to do (like go to work, perhaps) and stay sane so she can help you the best she can.

You may have decided to go stay at a friend's house. Bring your phone card or indicate that you will need to make a bunch of calls and ask if it is all right for you to pay her back later. No doubt this is fine with her. Again, it's good to stay in touch with other people while you are at your friend's house so she has time to take a shower, do laundry, and keep her life together. You don't want your friends to feel as if their lives are unraveling as well or they will not be very helpful to you.

A week should be enough time visiting a friend or having one stay with you to be able to function, at least in zombie mode, on your own again.

Parents: How To Handle? Siblings

Obviously, if you are estranged from your parents, or if they are abusive, leave them out of this. It is unlikely that someone who has disappointed you your whole life is suddenly going to come through for you right now, and you don't want to expose yourself to any additional hurt.

If your instinct is to call your parents right away, that is probably the right thing for you to do. Keep in mind that you may not be able to control how bad you sound, so here are a few things to consider before you pick up the phone.

Why Are You Calling Them? You just want to tell them. You may want to wait until you feel you can keep it together for the duration of the call. At least wait until you can get out a few complete sentences. Your parents, like most parents, are even more invested in you than your friends are. They care more, and your pain really is their pain. You don't want to panic them more than you are willing to involve them in your sadness. What I mean is this: If you call your parents when hysterical, you cannot expect them to be cool when you don't return their calls for a few days. You will have to take or return their calls relatively promptly, and you will have to keep them posted on how you are doing. If you don't, they may show up at your doorstep, and they would be right to do so. Do you really want them to race over and take you home and tuck you into your childhood bed? If this doesn't sound ideal, watch how despondent you sound when talking to them. Either way, I think it is good to let them know which friends you are in touch with, if you will be going to stay with any friends, or if you will have any friends staying with you. Remember, even though your ex broke up with you, and you are feeling horrible, this is not an opportunity to torment your parents unnecessarily. You want to go "home." If you feel that the best place for you to stay for a few days is with your parents, it probably is. It's a good idea to call and let them know what happened and that you are coming home. It's also a good idea, even if this doesn't ring totally true just yet, to say something like "for a few days" or "for the weekend." You want them to know that even though you sound like hell, you know that you will eventually get on with your life. In short, you want them to be prepared to let you leave their house again and go back to being a "grown-up" when you say you are ready.

A Cautionary Note

Even parents who are prone to being judgmental are probably capable of behaving appropriately for a few days when you are miserable. But if you think there is a chance that your parents are going to use the fact that you had your heart broken, probably by someone they didn't think was worthy of you, as an indictment of your bad judgment and your inability to function in the world as an adult, keep contact to a minimum. You shouldn't, and are not able to, defend your life right now. Wait until you've got your strength back. Also, if there is the remotest chance that your parents are going to take his side or try to blame you for the breakup, STAY AWAY. Sure, they may be worried that you have just broken up with the only gainfully employed man you've ever brought around and they just want you to be happy, etc., etc. Whatever their reasons, they are not going to give you the support you need right now.

Siblings

If your siblings are abusive or judgmental, stay away from them during this time. If your siblings are crazy, this is also sound advice. My friend Josie would call her older brother Will, crying, every time someone broke up with her. Will would invariably race out, track the miscreant down, and punch him out. It was one thing when we were in high school, but it's not that funny anymore. Josie has spent a bunch of money on bail that could better have been used for massages, if she'd only called her brother when she was feeling less upset.

If you are lucky, siblings are like a cross between friends and parents. This means that you can generally count on them to be really coot and supportive. They are happy to hang out on the phone or pick up a six-pack and come over on a dime. This is great. The only thing to be careful about is that, a little like your parents, they are deeply affected by seeing you unhappy. They will want to be kept abreast of how you are doing and may get more protective of you in the future than you want them to be. Again, while it is probably a good idea to lean on them at this time, you may want to drop hints indicating that you know you will be feeling better soon and the like.

About the Author

DELPHINE HIRSH is a veteran of many break ups and, as evidenced by her long-distance bill, is also a consultant to heartbroken friends nationwide. A thirty-two-year-old native New Yorker and a graduate of Princeton University, Hirsch has spent most of her adult life working at non-profits, including a six-year position in fundraising at the American Foundation for AIDS Research (amfAR). She currently lives in Los Angeles with her husband and is at work on a novel. The Girls' Guide to Surviving a Break-up is her first book.