The Seventh Principle of Intentional Communication: When All Else Fails, Tell the Truth

by Jan Pedersen

As a speaker and trainer of communication skills, I often have participants in my workshops who are in pain somehow, struggling to right relationships or stand up for themselves or change their circumstances. Over and over, I am asked:

"How do I tell ----- to ------?" or "How would you tell---that you ----"

I used to get hooked by that question, and in my inflated sense of wisdom and power, I'd offer up a suggestion:

"Well, why don't you just say...." and I would offer up my version of that person's truth.

I would then hear the unmistakable sound of the rake smacking my forehead:

"Oh, I could NEVER say that!"

It used to frustrate me that my good, sound advice was so unceremoniously rejected. But then I re-visited my intention as a trainer -- which is to have my being there impact another person's learning -- and I discovered a few little pieces of my own truth:

a. I don't have a clue how to answer their question.

b. Providing an answer to their question does not impact their learning one little bit.

c. Most people know exactly what's true for them, and can say it much better than I ever could.

My job now is to help people give voice to the truth inside themselves.

In "The Rights of Man," Thomas Paine said: "Such is the irresistible nature of truth that all it asks, and all it wants, is the liberty of appearing."

How does this affect my ability to help people voice their own truth?

I simply ask a question instead of giving an answer:

"What is it that you want to say, but haven't?"

There is usually a stunned silence. Then, miraculously, that person's truth is liberated-- and it's the perfect thing to say.

That's fine, you might be saying to yourself. That person they are having a problem with isn't there. What about when they get back to work, and have an interaction with that person? Then what?

Well, then we have more immediate truths to deal with.

Are you afraid to talk to the offending person? Then say that.

Have you been avoiding the issue, hoping it would get better by itself? Then just say that.

Are you so stunned by what they just said that you can't think of how to respond? Then only say that.

Are you feeling pressured to make a decision, and want some time to consider before you answer? Good. Then say that.

Nietzsche said "All truths that are kept silent become poisonous."

The challenge is to SAY the truth. Simply. Without defense justification, explanation or counter-attack. It's just a fact right now. If you don't say it, you're poisoned by it.

I was in a department store several years ago in England, and was being treated rudely by someone in the tax refund department.

After the third abrupt and arrogant question, I took a deep breath and spoke my truth:

"Are you having a bad day?" I asked, as warmly as I could.

"Not particularly," she sneered. "Why do you ask?"

"As a customer, I'm not accustomed to being spoken to so abruptly." I stated neutrally. Then I shut up.

She looked up, and looked me in the eye for the first time. I held her look, and after a few seconds, she continued the paperwork in a much more professional way.

The poison left my system, and in its place was release.

The most important thing to remember when releasing your truth, though, is that it is YOUR truth. It is utterly and completely personal to you.

A "style tip" in telling the truth is to keep your pronouns to yourself.

And a philosophical tip -- "The only truths we can point to are the ever-changing truths of our own experience."

About the Author

Jan Pedersen Speaker, Trainer, Author "Mastering life by mastering communication." Author: "Intentional Communication: Speaking and Listening for Results". www.communicate4results.com