The Fifth Principle of Intentional Communication: Listening for Results

by Jan Pedersen

A lot has been written about listening in the past few decades. Most of it has to do with the "doing" of listening. "Active Listening," they call it. Does this sound familiar?

Lean forward slightly
Nod and grunt occasionally
Paraphrase what they are saying
Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera

I don't know about you, but I can spot when somebody is "active listening" me, and I often feel manipulated by it. "I see," the other person will say wisely (and you know they DON'T see), "So what I hear you saying is..." and then they parrot back to me word for word what I've said...then tack on a big "But..."

I've been had. And so have you. I actually had someone say to me, in the heat of an argument, "Don't you DARE 'active listen' me!"

In the Intentional Communication scheme of things, listening is not something to do...but rather a way to BE.

The next time you're engaged in a conversation, particularly an emotion-laden one, stop for a moment and see if you can tune into what your intentions (goals, purposes, aims) are for the conversation at hand.

If you're honest with yourself, you'll find your mind busy with its own agenda for you: be right or "win" somehow; get them to see MY point of view; get THEM to shut up and start listening; stop, change, or fix them up; get THEM to see the error of their logic; or even better, your mind is busy compiling a list of what you could be doing IF ONLY they would stop talking.

The hardest thing about listening with intention? Becoming aware of, and turning down the volume on, that internal monologue. Focusing entirely on the other person.

Have you ever watched a new mother with an infant...looked at the way she gazes at her child? Or watched as two people, obviously in love, hang on to every word spoken by the beloved?

What allows for that intensity? It's an absolute, total commitment to the other person.

What does that intensity, that commitment have to do with you and me and the business of getting along with people at work? Call me a cockeyed optimist, but I say that commitment is precisely what's missing in most conversations, and the lack of that commitment is what allows argument, conflict and gamesmanship to pervade all of our interactions with people.

That commitment to the wholeness of the other person is what intentional listening is all about -- and it is available in every single interaction, if we have the courage to shift our attention off ourselves and onto the other person.

How does one go about generating that intentional listening, when what's in our heads is about dominating, winning, and changing the other person? I saw it happen profoundly just the other day -- in the credit department of a department store:

The woman in front of me was clearly upset about getting a late payment notice for her elderly father's account.

"YOU PEOPLE just don't give a ... about your customers!" She started, with the clerk.

"What happened?" Asked the clerk in a kind, curious tone.

"My father was in the HOSPITAL for SIX WEEKS!" the woman growled. "He doesn't NEED this kind of aggravation, and NEITHER DO I! The LAST thing he needs, in his condition, is somebody dunning him for late payments!"

After the customer had spoken two or three more sentences in the same vein, the clerk said the most amazing thing:

"I can't imagine how hard it must have been for you to deal with your father's illness. I am so grateful you came in person to tell us. I'll note the account, and make sure nobody bothers him at home about this. Is there anything else you'd like us to know?"

The woman melted instantly, apologizing. "I came in today to pay his bill for him...not to take it out on you."

As a witness to that conversation, I was nearly moved to tears. The clerk demonstrated the best, most altruistic kind of intentional listening available to us.

What I saw was an immediate shift of focus -- from store 'credit policy' to human interest - from personal defensiveness to concern for the other -- from 'doing my job' to 'helping my customer.'

The end result was that the store got its money and the customer walked away feeling valued.

Often, in seminars, participants roll their eyes when I talk about listening. Particularly managers and executives. There is this notion that listening takes time, and people think that if all they do is listen, the other person will never stop talking.

I asked the clerk how in the world he calmed that woman down so quickly. He said, "I learned a long time ago that people always have good reasons for the things they say -that listening to them first takes less time than arguing with them and usually produces a better outcome."

I couldn't have said it better myself.

About the Author

Jan Pedersen Speaker, Trainer, Author "Mastering life by mastering communication." Author: "Intentional Communication: Speaking and Listening for Results". www.communicate4results.com