Clarifying and Living Your Values

Last month we asked, "what are you passionate about"? This month we are going a little deeper, to that place where beliefs and passions are formed- your values. Values are what we use as a means to know our true selves. They define us in a unique way and give us a solid foundation on which to build our life and relationships. When two people are considering a committed relationship, they should share values in those areas most important to them.

When you think about the word "values", what specific things come to mind? Your list would probably include, spiritual (religion), importance of family and children, priority of work and career, how you view the importance of material things, roles of men/women, and your general ranking of life's priorities. How much thought have you given these as you look for your right person? Are these things you have discussed in past relationships or ones you plan to discuss when you meet that special person? Or do you make the all too common mistake of assuming that if you basically get along well and come from similar backgrounds that your values must be the same.

Try the following exercise to help you clarify what your values are and which ones you hold most dearly. Choose your 8 most important values. Rank the priority of each on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the highest.

Next, make an action plan for each. This involves working to bring your behavior into step with your beliefs.

Now, compare your behavior with what you believe your values are. How well do they match up? If they are out of alignment, ask yourself why? Is it perhaps that you are responding to what you think others want you to be? Or perhaps you have lost sight of what is most important to you. If so, this could be at the root of why your life may not be working for you. Ask yourself if you are committing enough of your time to what you value most? Addressing this critical part of yourself will help to turn your life in the direction that is right for you.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q. What if my values are just not in sync with my peers? If others see me as uptight and not open, how can I get to a second or third date without the other person rejecting me before really getting to know me?

A. I think what you are talking about relates to that age-old dilemma of "If you really like me, you would..." We have to like (and love) ourselves first in order to be successful in relating to others. Doing or acting according to what others want will cause you to abandon your true nature. As Shakespeare said centuries ago; "to thine own self be true, and so it must follow as night the day, that thou cannot be false to any man." Connect deeply with your values, take pride in them and live them; this can only lead you to greater relationship success. It will also help you not to waste time with someone who doesn't want what you do.

Q. My values come from my parents and church, right? How can I know if they are really MINE or those of the people and institutions, which had all that early influence on me?

A. This is a good question and one that all people should be asking themselves as they mature into adulthood. Adolescence is about challenging and rebelling against "our parents' values." However, we need to also reassess this issue as young adults, after we have finished our rebellion and are becoming independent. Give yourself time for some reflection on your values, as we talked about earlier. As you list each value in order of priority, also ask yourself WHY this is so important to you. Imagine your life if you didn't hold this value. Come up with a very different set of values and rank them. List anything that is different that you can think of. Now try these on. How do they fit? Are they comfortable? If you were living your life by them, what might your life be like? Is this the life you want? Reflect deeply, the answers are contained within you.

Hopefully, this issue has helped you to explore and clarify your values and provoke you into taking a hard look at what your behavior says about what you believe and vice versa.