The Gifts of Life, of Relationship and of Caring for Others

The Shadow King: The Invisible Force That Holds Women Back
by Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone

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Fundamentally, women are responsible for the continuity of human life on this planet. They are needed to create life. They are also capable of destroying it. If women no longer chose to have children, if they chose not to nurture the children that they did have and allowed them to die, or if they actually killed their offspring, there would no longer be human life (as we know it) on this planet. This is a fact that has long been overlooked by the dominant patriarchal culture. It is also overlooked by the Inner Patriarch who sees women as basically helpless and without any natural power in the world.

In our awesome scientific zeal, we humans have moved far enough to make the creation of life possible without the presence of a live man. We can choose to breed the most genetically perfect beings should we care to do so. But we have not yet found a way to adequately replace a live woman in the pre-natal nourishment and development of a human fetus or a way to replace the nourishment provided by relationship and a parent's love after birth.

A loving, nurturing human contact is urgently needed after the birth of a child so that it will thrive and grow up whole. If this is not provided, we have damaged, unsocialized humans who, at best, are personally unhappy and, at worst, are a danger to others. This ability to nurture others, to care deeply for them and to put their emotional and physical needs before one's own has been seen as a basically feminine or female quality in our culture. Since the Inner Patriarch sees this as womanly and natural it is, of course, unimportant. He would never think of rewarding mothers for a job well done in the same way that he would think of rewarding someone who works in the marketplace. For him, the idea of a mother expecting a bonus because she has done a good job at home is unthinkable, but he would certainly give the same woman a bonus if she produced a new product or a new source of income for her company at work.

The complexities of running a household and truly attending to the needs of children are only now beginning to be appreciated by the outer world, but again the Inner Patriarch lags behind. My own Inner Patriarch was totally unimpressed by childrearing even when I became a mother and he could see what mothering entailed. He never did give me much credit for childrearing and always saw it as a bit of a vacation from "real life". He admitted that I was behaving like a good, responsible, thoughtful mother at home, but he truly admired me only during the hours I was professionally active.

It was a particular experience at work that caused me to separate from my Inner Patriarch and to question his values for the first time. I had become the executive director of a residential treatment center for adolescent girls, a very challenging position. I was responsible for a staff of about 35, the finances of the institution (both raising the necessary funds and spending them wisely), the building, the program, and the care of a group of acting out adolescent girls for whom we provided residence, an on-grounds school, 24 hour a day supervision, and therapy. I was often asked how I kept track of everything and my heartfelt response was: "This is a very demanding and exciting job, but it is much easier than staying at home full time and raising three children! Not only that, but here I have an excellent support staff to share the work, I get paid, and I get lots of recognition for what I do." I knew this from personal experience and my Inner Patriarch could not convince me otherwise.

Thus we can see some of the ways in which the Inner Patriarch echoes the values of the outer patriarchy and affects the way that we, as women, view our gifts. It has not always been this way. Before the destruction of the matrifocal societies and the development of our patriarchal system, things were different. In the ancient matrifocal, agrarian societies many, or most, of the deities were female and the Great Mother was worshipped as the Supreme Deity. There were priestesses as well as priests. Not only did the religion honor the female, but the legal system did as well. Both lineage and laws of inheritance were traced through the mother and there was at least equal, if not dominant, political, religious, and economic power held by women. Our patriarchal system reversed this situation approximately 6000 years ago. This change brought new gifts of its own, but it devalued what came before. Let us see what happened to change our perceptions of these gifts.

About the Author

Hal Stone, Ph.D. and Sidra Stone, Ph.D. are the co-creators of Voice Dialogue. They are hopeless romantics and, as clinical psychologists with a combined experience of about 80 years, they are committed to keeping the magic and vitality in relationships. They have co-authored five books. Their latest book, Partnering: A New Kind of Relationship, sums up a lifetime of wisdom. Their books are available at local bookstores or from Amazon.com. www.delos-inc.com