The Subversion of Women's Power

The Shadow King: The Invisible Force That Holds Women Back
by Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone

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As I listened to Mara's Inner Patriarch, I could hear that he was the inner spokesman for the outer patriarchy. I realized that he had a great impact upon the way we women viewed ourselves and our role in the world. He divided humankind into women and men and saw these two groups as basically different. Each group had its own territory or arena of power and its own gifts to bring to the world. The gifts of the men were important and the gifts of the women were secondary. Traditionally male power was supported and traditionally female power was subverted.

I could see that this had two practical consequences. First, the Inner Patriarch defines us as women, telling us what real woman are like and defining our capabilities and limitations. Secondly, he trivializes whatever it is that women are and what they do. Thus, he undervalues the portions of the world that belong to the traditionally feminine. These are undervalued in men as well as women. We, as human beings, learn that half of the gifts that we bring into this world, i.e., the gifts that have traditionally been associated with the feminine, are not important or really valuable. Since this has great cultural impact, let us think about these gifts.

The Gifts

I dream that I must appear before a judge. He looks dependable, responsible, and authoritative. I am carrying a wrapped package. which contains something both precious and powerful; it feels as though it is the gift of my deepest female nature. I have worked hard to package this gift properly. I have left an air space around the contents so that they will not get crushed and I must guard the entire package carefully so that it will not collapse. I also am carrying a very carefully polished brass candlestick with a candle in it.

My dilemma is as follows: Am I going to deliver my package and allow someone else to open it and to use the contents, or am I going to light my candle and sing my own song? I would feel safe turning over the unopened package to this judge because this way I would not be responsible for its contents. But if I do this, he will be in charge of the contents and I will forfeit the right to light my own candle and to sing my own song.

That judge is my Inner Patriarch, and this dream gives a clear picture of my dilemma as a woman. If I give my package to my Inner Patriarch, then he will judge its contents and take charge of my life. I will be considered inferior to men, but I will be safe, blameless, and protected. If I follow his orders, I will not get into trouble. If I keep my own package, then I keep my power and my individuality, but these gifts will be my responsibility.

What are the specifically female gifts and the basic sources of power that are in this package? I have considered this question as a woman, a daughter, a mother of daughters, and a psychologist. I see these gifts as the power of a woman's sexuality, her ability to attract others, the intensity of her need for relationship, her capacity to support and to care for others, and, of course, her childbearing capability. But the voice within each of us, the Inner Patriarch that has its roots deep within the patriarchal culture that has nourished and protected us, deprives us of the right to enjoy these gifts. At best, it trivializes them; at worst, it shames us for possessing them.

We are not taught how to honor and develop these traditionally feminine gifts as true sources of power, they are devalued. We are also not shown how to include the aspects of ourselves that are more traditionally masculine in nature in our overall development. As girls growing into womanhood, we have had few, if any, popular myths or mature heroines to guide us. We have almost no examples of women who have developed both their feminine nature and their power. In our culture there is a split between what is female and what is powerful. When we see a woman who is beautiful, loving and sensual, we automatically assume that she does not have great wisdom or power. The opposite is also true; we rarely think of a woman of wisdom and power as loving and sensual (even if she should happen to be).

There also seems to be a separation between motherhood and power. There is not a similar split between fatherhood and power. There are many tales of wise, benevolent, handsome, and powerful kings, or even gods, who are also fathers, but never a story of a mature woman, a benevolent, wise, sensual, beautiful and powerful queen, who is also a mother. Queens, particularly those who are mothers, are more often obstructions or problems than great leaders. The "evil queen" is almost as common an image as the "good king."

This is not true everywhere on our planet. In some older indigenous cultures, there is respect for the natural power of women. She can be a true woman and still have power. Carolyn Conger, one of our American wise women, told me of her contacts with the Maoris, the indigenous peoples of New Zealand. When she visited there, a group of leading Maori healers was brought together to meet her as a respected member of the international healing community.

Before she entered the gathering, Carolyn was asked never to step over a man's legs if he was sitting on the ground. The reason for this was that the power in her vagina was so intense that it would automatically suck the power out of the men. And all during the meetings their chief shaman could never look directly into her eyes. He was able to see the power that she carried and feared that she might take something away from him.

I am not advocating that we move into a position of having this kind of unequal power or that we adopt the belief systems of the Maoris, but I do think that there is something important for us to learn from them. Let us now consider the unique gifts that we as women have traditionally offered to our species, the gifts that at this moment are still subject to the evaluation and the control of our Inner Patriarchs.

About the Author

Hal Stone, Ph.D. and Sidra Stone, Ph.D. are the co-creators of Voice Dialogue. They are hopeless romantics and, as clinical psychologists with a combined experience of about 80 years, they are committed to keeping the magic and vitality in relationships. They have co-authored five books. Their latest book, Partnering: A New Kind of Relationship, sums up a lifetime of wisdom. Their books are available at local bookstores or from Amazon.com. www.delos-inc.com