Introducing The Inner Patriarch

The Shadow King: The Invisible Force That Holds Women Back
by Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone

(Page 4 of 8)

CHAPTER ONE

The Realm Of The Shadow King

There were no demands from the outside, so it must have been something within each woman responsible for this loss of herself. Something was operating unconsciously, in the shadows.

The air felt almost liquid as everyone leaned forward, riveted by the tale that Lucille was telling. The women's group had been meeting for over an hour and the sharing of life experiences had gradually gotten deeper and deeper. It was as though each woman brought forth photos of particularly meaningful milestones in her life and then told about them, free to talk about these particular experiences because there were only women present. There was seriousness, but there was much laughter as well.

The women spoke about birth, life, and death. The sense of awe deepened. Now Lucille was describing an abortion that had begun as an ordinary impersonal hospital procedure but had ended with her lying in a bed in a pool of blood with the aborted fetus. It seemed as though the staff had deliberately left her alone; nobody responded to her calls for assistance. Everyone in the group sat in stunned silence, supporting Lucille and empathizing with her pain, isolation and terror. Each woman had her own story of past abortions, each pictured herself in Lucille's situation.

The group felt like a single organism, breathing in unison. The women began to talk again. this time in hushed and reverent tones. It felt almost holy. Suddenly, off in another part of the building, there were sounds of shouts and laughter. The men's group was obviously disbanding. The response of the women was astounding. In an instant, they dropped what they had been doing as though it was totally meaningless. What had been a single organism was now a group of individual women, each one listening for the sound of her own man's voice. The sense of awe had vanished and their power was completely gone.

What had happened to them? Who had so totally distracted them from themselves? There were no demands from the outside, so it must have been something within each woman responsible for this loss of herself. Something, or someone, was operating unconsciously, ruling from the shadows. I had no name for who that was or what had happened, but the experience stayed with me. I knew that I had caught a glimpse of something important, but I did not know what it was. So I waited and I watched, wondering if something similar would occur, and it did.

Several months later, I was in Holland. As I sat in a group of women, I began to feel uncomfortable. They were, for the most part, women that I knew, but as I looked around at them I felt as though I was surrounded by a group of judgmental, humorless male strangers, a group of patriarchs who had no use for women or women's groups. I realized that whatever was happening was related to the sudden loss of self that I had witnessed in the past. I asked about this and, sure enough, the women were thinking that a group of women could never do anything important and that they would prefer to be with the men. Fortunately, I had thought a great deal about this issue and I did not take their rejection of me personally. Since I was truly curious and this was a Voice Dialogue workshop, I asked if I might speak to the self that felt this way about women. A number of women volunteered.

A young, talented, and very intelligent Dutch woman named Mara volunteered to let me talk to the part of her, the self, that thought so little of women. It was an amazing experience for both of us! Mara was beautiful, charming and very feminine. Mara's Inner Patriarch was not. He was masculine, extremely powerful, humorless, and judgmental. He was her Shadow King, the Inner Patriarch who operated in the shadows of her unconscious and determined much of her behavior. My search was over; this was the mysterious voice I had been looking for.

When Mara's Inner Patriarch spoke he was stern and compelling; you could almost see his long flowing biblical robes. His authority commanded respect. It would be impossible to ignore him. His views were his views, and there was no way to change him, to placate him, or reason with him. He was absolutely sure that he knew exactly what the world was like and how it should be run. This meant that it should be run by men and that women should accept their naturally inferior status.

This Inner Patriarch was different from the Inner Critic, a self that I had met many times before. I feel that it is important for you to see the distinction between these two selves. The Inner Critic is the critical voice within each of us that comments constantly upon who we are and what we do. However, the Inner Critic does not care whether you are a man or a woman. It just likes to criticize; that is its job in life. The Inner Critic is a much more individualized and personal voice than the Inner Patriarch and it, too, has great impact upon our lives.

In contrast to the Inner Critic, this Inner Patriarch cared very much about Mara's gender. He had totally different expectations, opinions, and standards for men and for women. These were independent of Mara and his specific feelings about her. In general, the Inner Patriarch expected nothing good from Mara or, for that matter, from any other woman just because they were women. His basic attitude was women were inferior to men and nothing they might do could change that immutable fact.

The Inner Critic, in contrast, usually gives the impression that we are personally responsible for whatever is "wrong" with us and that if we were to work hard enough, even if we are women, success just might be possible. For example, Shelly has just written a long report for her department. Her Inner Critic picks it apart, showing her all the ways that it could be better. Even after she has corrected these, her Inner Critic lets her know that there is more to be done. Then it points out that her report is not as good as Alicia's. Shelly continues her revisions until she can do no more. Actually, the report is quite good. But her Inner Critic tells her that although now it is better than Alicia's, it is not as good as the first set of reports Shelly, herself, had written earlier in her career, the ones that won her the promotion to department chief. Her Inner Critic is never satisfied, but keeps urging her on with the implicit assumption that she can succeed if only she tries harder. In contrast, her Inner Patriarch looks at the report and lets her know that it is good enough for a woman. In his eyes, nothing she can do will ever make Shelly's work as good or important as a man's.

About the Author

Hal Stone, Ph.D. and Sidra Stone, Ph.D. are the co-creators of Voice Dialogue. They are hopeless romantics and, as clinical psychologists with a combined experience of about 80 years, they are committed to keeping the magic and vitality in relationships. They have co-authored five books. Their latest book, Partnering: A New Kind of Relationship, sums up a lifetime of wisdom. Their books are available at local bookstores or from Amazon.com. www.delos-inc.com