Voice Dialogue & the Psychology of Selves

The Shadow King: The Invisible Force That Holds Women Back
by Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone

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Let me begin by briefly introducing you to the basic tools I have used in my studies of this Shadow King. We humans are not as simple as we sometimes think. Our psyches are made up of many parts. Some of these parts we know about and others are hidden in the unconscious. We are all proud of some parts of ourselves and ashamed of others. My husband, Hal Stone, and I are both psychologists and we have spent the past 24 years studying these "parts" of the human psyche which we call "selves". Others have called them "voices" or "subpersonalities" or "the many I's". All of us are made up of selves. We call the study of these selves and their roles in our lives "the Psychology of Selves". My work with the Inner Patriarch is an outgrowth of our joint work with these selves. Since it is built upon the foundation that Hal and I established together, I would like to give you a brief description of our work. *

Initially, it was quite a surprise for us to discover these selves, to learn that they were quite real, and to see how they operated in people's lives (including our own, of course). Over the years, they have been a source of unending fascination! We have found that each self is unique; each has its own look, its own history, its own values and its own areas of expertise. For us, there are no good selves and no bad selves.

Each self has its good points and its bad points. For instance, I have a self that I call my Pusher. She wants me to get things done. She wants me to write this book. It was my Pusher that just dragged me out of my delicious hammock on this beautiful Spring day and sat me down at my computer. I can guarantee that without my Pusher I would get nothing done! At a moment like this, I really need her to pull me away from the distractions that surround me. But she can push me unmercifully, even when this is totally inappropriate. She can make me feel that I should be working even when this is not necessary. She is unable to tolerate relaxation or just "being". She is definitely a "doing" self.

Our lives are dominated by the selves we call "primary selves". These are the selves that determine who we are and what we do. They are who we think we are. One of my primary selves has been my Pusher. On the opposite side we have what we call our "disowned selves", the ones that we have discarded or repressed. In this case, the disowned self would be my Beach Bum. The primary selves judge and fear these disowned selves. My Pusher fears my Beach Bum; she fears that if I allow myself to relax for too long, I will forget how to work and that I will become useless. Being a useless person is totally unacceptable to the Pushers of the world.

Now if my Pusher is my primary self and I do not have access to my Beach Bum, or my Party Girl, I will work all through my vacation. My Pusher is the kind of self that would bring along all the boring unread journal articles when I take a trip to a tropic isle because, to her way of thinking, I have nothing else to do on the island and I would finally have the free time to read them. She would be proud of herself for her great efficiency. She would not think about the fact that my husband might want a bit of attention or that I could use a little romance. Incidentally, with the wonderful new electronic offices, we are never far from an office and we can read, write, fax, eMail and phone from anywhere to anywhere in the world. This is truly heaven for the Pushers of the world, mine included.

If I do not know about these selves, I have no choices in life. I behave automatically. My Pusher will run my life and I will be uneasy whenever I have nothing to do. All of us can learn about these selves, separate from them, and have choice about which self appears in our lives at which time. I do not want my Beach Bum around when it is time to write and I do not want my Pusher around when it is time for romance.

How did we learn about these selves? Through , a simple and amazingly effective tool that we discovered, a method we call "Voice Dialogue". We just talk directly to the selves. Let us take the example of my Pusher. If I want to find out about my Pusher, I would simply ask someone to interview her. We call this interviewer the "facilitator". I am "the subject". The Pusher is the self being interviewed. We have found that the selves are more than happy to talk.

What does a Voice Dialogue session look like? The facilitator asks me (the subject) to move over to where my Pusher is and I move to another place in the room. I could move my chair, sit in another chair, sit on the floor, stand, whatever feels appropriate. My Pusher does not sit in the same place that I do. This helps to separate her from me. Then the facilitator talks to my Pusher and asks her about herself. If the facilitator knows about selves, and shows genuine respect and interest, the self responds freely. In this case, my Pusher will tell the facilitator with great pride: "I have gotten a great deal accomplished. I am responsible for the degrees, the books, and the efficiency of her child-rearing. I have never wasted time, opportunities, or money. I am extremely good at what I do." I can guarantee that my Pusher would be happy to go on and on and take credit for everything that I have ever done in my entire life.

It was in this way, using Voice Dialogue, that Hal and I learned about the many selves and the ways in which they affect people's behavior. Most of the material in this book was collected during Voice Dialogue sessions. I have included both longer segments of sessions and short quotations.

Dreams are another important way to find out about these selves. The characters in our dreams represent our different selves. We can use dreams to discover these selves and to learn about how they are operating in our lives. For instance, I am interviewed on the radio and I am authoritative, outgoing and powerful. My Inner Patriarch is unhappy with my behavior which he sees as unfeminine but I do not know about this. That night when I go to sleep, I dream that I am being put into prison by an authoritarian, rational, cold man (my Inner Patriarch) because I did not obey the rules. Thus, my dreams give me a clear, objective, and memorable picture of what is happening in the shadows beyond my everyday consciousness. That is why I have used dreams, my own and others', to illustrate many aspects of the Inner Patriarch.

This introduction has given you the frame of reference within which the work on the Inner Patriarch, developed. Now that the stage is set, let us begin the drama of the Shadow King.

About the Author

Hal Stone, Ph.D. and Sidra Stone, Ph.D. are the co-creators of Voice Dialogue. They are hopeless romantics and, as clinical psychologists with a combined experience of about 80 years, they are committed to keeping the magic and vitality in relationships. They have co-authored five books. Their latest book, Partnering: A New Kind of Relationship, sums up a lifetime of wisdom. Their books are available at local bookstores or from Amazon.com. www.delos-inc.com