The Shadow King: Background

The Shadow King: The Invisible Force That Holds Women Back
by Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone

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I have spent many years studying this elusive ruler. I have had my own personal experiences with him and I have spoken with thousands of women and men about their Inner Patriarchs. The material in this book is drawn from direct experience. I have changed the names of the people involved to protect their privacy.

As I came to know my own Inner Patriarch and those of other women, a clear pattern emerged. I could see how they keep us in an inferior position if not at our work, then in our relationships. They make us distrust ourselves. Even more important was the discovery that they make us distrust other women as well. They trust and value men, and traditionally male qualities, more than women and anything traditionally feminine.

I saw again and again how the Inner Patriarch devalued us and what we did just because we were women. Although we have the right to expect equal pay for equal work (even if this is not always forthcoming), we have not yet reached the point at which we can casually give ourselves equal recognition for equal work. Our Inner Patriarchs give men greater recognition for their accomplishments than they will give us. What we do is just not as important as what a man does; if a man had done the same piece of work, it would be considered more important. This is true both for our accomplishments and for those of other women. There is nothing personal in this, the Inner Patriarchs feel the same about all women and about all things womanly.

In my early years, my greatest pride was that I was not like other women. I was better than other women because I was more like a man. I was a professional woman, a sensible, hardworking high achiever who would never let her feelings slow her down. Before I had children, I felt quite superior to women who were mothers and stayed at home. I often thought that they were a bit like proud, contented cows who were not capable of doing anything more challenging. I, in contrast, was doing really important work. I even remember, much to my own embarrassment, that my first reaction to Betty Friedan's "The Feminine Mystique" was: "That book is going to make trouble. It's going to make women unmanageable. Who will tend to the children and the homes if they all decide that they want to go out and fulfill (said sarcastically) themselves?" Of course, I was going to work but I was an exception, or so I thought. For the ordinary woman, a woman's place was basically in the home tending to others.

Now I see these attitudes as an indication of a very well-developed Inner Patriarch who was playing a major role in my life at that time, a role that I knew nothing about. My Inner Patriarch ruled my behavior in my marriage and in my career. He kept me "appropriately" deferent to the men in my life and limited my power in the world. He encouraged me to distrust women and to trust only men. He discouraged me from any behaviors that he saw as weak, irrational, and feminine. My femininity was appropriate only when it would please the men in my life.

As I learned about my Inner Patriarch - and from him - I was able to change the ways in which he influenced me. This was particularly helpful in two areas: (1) my intimate relationships with men and (2) my power in the world. I could see that many of my Inner Patriarch's values were quite admirable and that he knew a great deal about the world, particularly the world of men. He knew what was acceptable and what was not. He also knew how I could keep my traditionally feminine qualities even while I developed power.

The changes were very gratifying. My relationship with my husband, which had been good, became even richer, more objective, and more equal. We were truly partners. Actually, this was why I was comfortable changing my last name to his after fourteen year of marriage. The change in name felt like an affirmation of partnership, it no longer felt as if I were becoming an appendage or a possession with no independent identity of my own.

As for power, I became comfortable bringing more of my feminine power into the world. Before this, my power was limited to the power that the Inner Patriarch found acceptable, the power of the mind. In the past, I had tried to emulate men and, because I was a woman, I could only be an imitation man. As my Inner Patriarch changed, I became a woman of feminine power. I was able to bring forth my own power and my own way of being in the world that was different from traditionally male power.

Making Changes

There is much of value in the patriarchal beliefs and rules that are carried by our Inner Patriarchs; we must be cautious and respectful as we make our changes. We can accept the gifts that the Shadow King offers and decline the humiliations and limitations that he might wish to impose upon us. We can keep what works for us and transform whatever seems too restrictive. We can restore the dignity and power of the masculine/feminine balance within ourselves. We can have choice about what we do rather than react automatically to unknown forces. As the belief system of the Inner Patriarch changes, his ability to hold his ground in the face of adversity can be a great asset to each of us.

In order to make these changes, we must first learn about our Inner Patriarch. Where does he come from? What does he sound like? What impact does he have on our lives? You will hear him and learn about his beliefs, his rules, and his values. We will bring him out of the shadows so that he is no longer a Shadow King. Once we do this, you will have direct access to him. You will make what was unconscious, conscious. At this point, real change is possible.

About the Author

Hal Stone, Ph.D. and Sidra Stone, Ph.D. are the co-creators of Voice Dialogue. They are hopeless romantics and, as clinical psychologists with a combined experience of about 80 years, they are committed to keeping the magic and vitality in relationships. They have co-authored five books. Their latest book, Partnering: A New Kind of Relationship, sums up a lifetime of wisdom. Their books are available at local bookstores or from Amazon.com. www.delos-inc.com