Loving vs. Controlling Behavior

Do I Have To Give Up ME to be Loved by GOD?
by Margaret Paul, Ph.D.

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Loving behavior is personally accountable behavior that nurtures and supports our own and others' spiritual growth and highest good. It is behavior that is consciously intended to give something helpful - like support, compassion or understanding - to ourselves and others. Controlling behavior, which is often unconscious, attempts to get something (like safety, love or attention) or to avoid something (like rejection, disapproval or loneliness). Loving behavior is satisfying in itself and is not attached to an outcome, to getting something back. Controlling behavior always has an expectation of a certain outcome attached.

For example, you can give to your children because it gives you joy to do so, or you can give because you want them to love you, take care of when you are older, or have others see you as a good parent. You can have sex with your partner for loving or for controlling reasons, too. You may want to share and express your love, or you may want to get loved, distracted or affirmed, or avoid your partner's anger or disappointment. You can donate money to worthy causes purely for the satisfaction it gives you, or to get publicity, a tax break or a place in heaven. While the action of giving to your children, having sex or donating money is the same, the energy behind a controlling intent feels totally different to the receiver than the energy of a loving intent. Loving behavior feels nourishing while controlling behavior feels lonely, smothering or draining to the receiver.

In the same way you attempt to control the outcome with others, you may attempt to control the outcome with God. You might pray, go to church or temple, tithe or do volunteer work in order to make God love and protect you, rather than for the pure joy of doing so and from the deep desire to serve God. Religious dogma is often based on an attempt to control God? If you belong to the right religion you will go to heaven. This gives people a sense of control over God: I only have to believe the "right" thing and I am safe. Each religion has its rules - don't work on Saturday, give away a certain percentage of your earnings, don't divorce, sacrifice yourself for others - to ensure God's grace. The problem is that none of these rules has anything to do with love and compassion. Worse, they teach you that you do, indeed, have to give yourself up - that is, deny your own inner truth and follow someone else's teachings - to be loved by God. In fact, they teach that it is only in giving yourself up that you will be loved by God. While this may give you a sense of safety, it does not move you along your spiritual path toward becoming more loving and compassionate.

The doctrines and dogma of religion have nothing to do with opening to God, which is what spirituality is all about. Opening to God does not mean giving yourself up in the sense of ignoring your own needs and your own truth or going along with what other people want or what they tell you God wants. Opening or "surrendering" in the spiritual sense means that you release the will of your wounded, false self and invite in the will of love, compassion, truth and wisdom - the will of God. You cannot surrender and attempt to control the outcome of things at the same time. Letting go of the outcome does not mean that you do not decide what you want and do everything in your power to get there. It means that you come from the faith that your soul is being supported in your highest good at all times and that you cannot always know which outcome is best for your soul's growth toward wholeness and oneness with God.

When compassion has a higher value than control, we do not judge things in terms of right and wrong. Instead, we look at our own and others' behavior and try to understand the values and preferences behind this behavior. We try to understand the very good reasons we all have for feeling, believing and behaving the way we do. We try to learn and understand rather than judge. To be on a spiritual path is to accept that you need to put aside your concepts of right and wrong, good and bad, and embrace instead compassionate learning, understanding and acceptance as your way of being. Sadly, control rather than compassion has become the most prevalent way of life.

About the Author

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a noted public speaker, best-selling author, workshop leader, chaplain, and Inner Bonding facilitator. She has counseled individuals and couples, and led groups, classes, and workshops since 1973. She is the author and co-author of eight books, including the best-selling Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?, Healing Your Aloneness, Inner Bonding, as well as Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God? She is the co-creator of Inner Bonding, a powerful spiritual healing process. Her Web site offers much information and help with the Inner Bonding process. Please visit authors website at MargaretPaul.com