Women Should Never Blame Or Shame A Man For Ejaculating Rapidly

Male Sexual Endurance: A Man's Book About Ejaculatory Control
by Robert W. Birch, Ph.D.

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It is probably obvious that women should never blame or shame a man for ejaculating rapidly. It does happen, however, that a woman might feel frustrated and say something like "If you love me, you'd wait." Rapid ejaculation has nothing to with love, and everything to do with a super-sensitive nervous system. Even more destructive to a male ego is a comment such as "The last two men could last half an hour, so what's wrong with you!" Ouch!

I would like to assure the women in relationships with rapid ejaculators that these men are not doing this on purpose. They are not being selfish and they are not being hostile. In fact, there is still no solid research that tells us exactly why some men ejaculate more rapidly than some other men, just as there is no conclusive research findings to explain why some women will orgasm more easily than others. However, there are two clinical observations I would like to share. I have found that most rapid ejaculators are a bit more anxious (nervous) than average, and they tend to quickly become overly- excited. I have often said that when a man is nervous and highly aroused, he enters into an altered state of consciousness in which his body takes over and his biology propels him rapid toward his "point of ejaculatory inevitability." This point, often signaled to the woman by the man muttering an expletive usually stronger than "darn," is the point of no return. It is as if a trigger has been pulled and, in a second, the gun will fire. There is no stopping the ejaculation at that point.

Women can help by reminding the man to relax and by reminding him how important it is for him to loosen up, both mentally and physically. It helps to slow the man down, but not to avoid touching him. The touch, however, should be designed to keep him minimally aroused, and not to send him rushing headlong in the direction of his ejaculatory threshold. There is a series of exercises, called the start-start exercises, that a couple can do together to help a man relax, calm his excitement and allow him to focus on his progression toward his point of ejaculatory inevitability. Rapid ejaculators often are unable to anticipate that point of no return and are typically not aware of it until they are already there... and by then it is too late. Unfortunately, it would take a lengthy description to adequately describe what needs to be practiced in the series of start-stop exercises, and the reader is advised to read a set of more detailed instructions elsewhere.

There is certainly time and space, however, to offer a couple practical tips to women. First, reassure your minute man that you love all of his touching and kissing. His ego might well need a boast, as many rapid ejaculators see themselves as being a sexual failure in the eyes of their partners. Gently discourage a rush to intercourse, and encourage him to explore your body in many ways. If needed and desired, encourage him to orally stimulate you to orgasm. If you have already climaxed before intercourse begins, some of the pressure is taken of your partner. Tell him that you have had your turn, and now it is his and he need not wait.

If you have not yet had your orgasm, have your partner lay on his back. Straddle him and, when he tells you he feels in good control, lower yourself down on him. Sit quietly, reminding him to remain perfectly relaxed and not to move a muscle. In this "female superior" position, you should do all the moving, and the movement should be with you staying in close contact with your partner's body. You should slide back and forth, rather than riding up and down. This position and the movement described minimizes the stimulation for the male, as it is quite different from the male superior position in which he would be prone to use long rapid thrusts. An added advantage for you in this position is that you can adjust the angle of her body so that you are sliding your clitoris onto your partner's pubic bone when pushing forward, and sliding it up the base of his penis when you are pushing back. Typically a woman can get more clitoral stimulation when on top, and I highly recommend this position if for no other reason than the fact that it allows the woman much more control and rewards her with much more pleasure.

In good sex, there are no demands made and no judgments passed. Men tend to be intercourse-oriented, and women often need to be persistent and patient in teaching their partners that there is more to making love than just "doing it." I like the concept of "fail-safe" sexuality, which says that in a caring and intimate relationship, there is never a failure. The emotional bonding is great if there is intercourse, and great if there is not. It is wonderful if there are orgasms, and wonderful if there are none. It is fantastic if it lasts a an hour, and fantastic if it is just a quickie. Above all, our sexuality should always be fun!

About the Author

www.oralcaress.com
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., Retired Marital & Sex Therapist, 35 years as a psychologist specializing in building sensual, intimate, and loving relationships. Clinician, lecturer, workshop leader, and author of nine books.