What To Do With A Minute Man: A Woman's Guide to Understanding Premature Ejaculation

Male Sexual Endurance: A Man's Book About Ejaculatory Control
by Robert W. Birch, Ph.D.

It is most men's fantasy-wish that they would be able to penetrate a woman who bucks like a wild unbroken bronco, maintain perfect control during an hour of hard steady thrusting, and then time their ejaculation to coincide, contraction for contraction, with the orgasm of their partner. I suppose there are a few men who could actually do that, assuming the woman they were with could remain an active partner in this marathon without becoming sore! In reality, however, the majority of women will not orgasm with intercourse, regardless of how long the man lasts, and the majority of young healthy males will, with steady thrusting, ejaculated within three or, at best, four minutes. Many men believe that they should have perfect control during intercourse and that the ability to ejaculate at will is an inborn talent they should automatically possess. Many also assume that if they could just last long enough, their partners would orgasm as well. Most of these men are greatly disappointed!

Let's start with four assumptions. First, it is more natural for men to ejaculate rapidly than it is for them to last for hours. The second assumption is that many men (and women) will not accept this. Third, if the average duration is three or four minutes of active thrusting, to ejaculate within this time frame is not a sexual dysfunction. The forth assumption is that many men (and women) will not accept this either!

The term "premature ejaculation" implies that the male orgasm happened before it was time. Initially, premature ejaculation was defined as an ejaculation that usually would happen before the man's partner would reach orgasm, but we now know that it does not make sense to defined a male problem on the bases of the female's response, given the difficulty most women have climaxing with penile-vaginal intercourse. Therefore, I prefer the term "rapid ejaculation." Certainly, if the average is three to four minutes, a man who rapidly ejaculates on or within seconds after penetration falls below this mark.

It is easier to agree, without relying on the woman's orgasmic response, or the number of male thrusts, or the number of seconds timed with a stopwatch, that there is a legitimate concern if the man, the woman, or both are feeling emotionally distressed by the male's timing. In a sense then, it is those two people involved in the intimate encounter who decide if there is a problem, not the highly trained sex therapist looking at the impersonal statistics in a textbook. A case in point: Last night in your hometown, a couple spent a romantic evening together, during which they talked with anticipation of the sexual encounter they had both planned. There was nothing hurried in their evening or in the showers each took in preparation for their erotic playtime. After showering they lit candles and put on soft music. Relaxing together they talked quietly about their tender feelings for each other, touching and kissing each other affectionately.

In the course of the evening, this couple's kissing become more intense and their fondling progressed from sensual to sexual... from warm to hot.. Both partners became highly aroused with the manual stimulation, the woman in response to her partner's skillful caress of her clitoris. As her excitement escalated, the man moved down and orally brought her to an intense orgasm. He held his partner as she relaxed, basking in the warmth of her post-orgasmic afterglow. She was still lubricated and receptive to him as he eventually mounted, and ejaculated with his own intense climax after thirty seconds of rapid thrusting. Still in her afterglow, the woman held the man as together they quietly congratulated themselves and each other for a spectacular end to a spectacular evening. Who would dare say that this woman has a dysfunction because she did not orgasm during intercourse, or that this man has a dysfunction because he climaxed in less than a minute? Sexual dysfunction or sexual style? At times it is all very relative!

But, we have already said that some people, on one or the other end of that thrusting penis, would like intercourse to last longer. There is concern, there are things a couple can do. Unfortunately, however, some professionals have talked of a "cure," but that term implies that there is an "illness." However, there is no illness here, only individual differences. Some men are fast, some are slow, and most fall somewhere on the continuum in-between. It is also unfortunate that some professionals claim to be able to cure premature ejaculation with some simple exercises and within six to eight weeks. Do not be fooled by such claims, for a follow-up study of men who were "cured" in sex therapy found that three years later, the majority of these subjects were ejaculating just as rapidly as they were before they entered therapy. Techniques for better ejaculatory control can indeed be learned, but it takes time and patience, it helps if both partners are involved, and it requires that some things learned never be forgotten without the risk of once more feeling out of control.

About the Author

www.oralcaress.com
Robert W. Birch, Ph.D., Retired Marital & Sex Therapist, 35 years as a psychologist specializing in building sensual, intimate, and loving relationships. Clinician, lecturer, workshop leader, and author of nine books.