Before becoming a hynotherapist, I was an elementary teacher and school counselor. I became a counselor because it was important to me to connect with kids at another level. Knowing that one of the most important factors to influence school success is self-esteem, I wanted to generate programs that promoted this positive growth. What I experienced dismayed me. Often the experiences that reinforce low self-esteem are school related! I am not bashing teachers here; they are the hardest working folks that I know! . But, a child who performs poorly in school has low self-esteem and low self-esteem hinders good performance in school. It is a vicious cycle. The fact is that there is so much anxiety in our society today, and anxiety interferes with learning. Parents with low self-esteem are often more anxious and this anxiety is passed on to the children.

Watch how children often copy the attitudes, feelings, language and even the mannerisms of their parents. Children are always watching for cues, and the nonverbal ones may speak louder than we wish! Youngsters are very acute observers of our emotional reactions, and are highly influenced by them.

I believe that much of the violence we are seeing in the schools today is a result of youngsters feeling disconnected. They want to connect with others, but have a difficult time relating, so they retreat to things instead of people. Harris Clemes and Reynold Bean, in How to Raise Children's Self-Esteem, give us some specific ways to relate to children to build that sense of connectedness which is important to self-esteem.

• Show affection through physical contact.
  Use a big bear hug or a pat on the shoulder to show you care. Tucking children in at night, and reading to them, can become a wonderful ritual to share. It will long be remembered.
• Eye contact increases intimacy.
  Smiles and a wink can confirm good feelings to children. Sometimes we say one thing and our facial expression says something else. This is very confusing to children. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
• Use words to let children know you feel good about them.
  It's important for all of us to have verbal reassurance. Using positive statements about their goodness and their uniqueness improves their connection with you. It also teaches them to model that positive affirmation in their own relationships. Make it a point to put words in writing too.
• Use specific praise.
  When praise is specific, it is more credible. When praising a child for work that has been completed, point out something very specific that you noticed about it. It is very powerful when children “overhear” you praising them to others. They begin to praise themselves inside.
• Praise positive behavior.
  Giving positive feedback rather than focusing on the negative generates more positive behavior. Praising cooperation and helpfulness encourages more of the same. “That was so thoughtful of you to help grandpa.” They receive the message that they are thoughtful. This is how behavior patterns are created. Reinforce the positive.
• Listen without judging.
  We often think it is our role to comment, advise and make suggestions. We want to “fix” things. Sometimes kids just need to be heard and understood. Many times, by paraphrasing what they shared with us and acknowledging what they are feeling is enough. We don't always have to agree with their feelings, but it's important to let them have their own feelings. All feelings are OKAY.
• Share your feelings.
  Much anxiety comes from not understanding. If we are angry about something a child did, it can be stated in such a way that they realize they are still loved, but their actions were not appropriate. Giving them information allows them to create change. They tell themselves what must be done.
• Share your interests and acknowledge their special needs and interests.
  Showing support for their interests, showing you notice and care, builds connectiveness. Inviting children to participate in your hobbies builds their life's experiences.

Spending time with children teaches us more about spontaneity, curiosity, resilience, trust, determination and imagination. Our children are our greatest teachers! Love, support and self confidence are the greatest gifts that we can give back to our children. They deserve the best that we can offer them. It is never too late to work on our own self-esteem issues that are blocking us from experiencing a fulfilling life. When we have a strong sense of self-esteem, a real sense of confidence in ourselves, life is a joyous experience. Life changes when we do! Our personal growth greatly affects our children. How would you rate your Kidz-Connection?

Tags: Parenting and Families