Selves In Relationship : Working With the Bonding Patterns

by Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone

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There are numerous ways in which you as a therapist can use the knowledge of bonding patterns in your work. You can use these ideas subtly, integrating them into your work without discussing them directly, or you can work with clients using the bonding patterns and the concepts of the psychology of selves as your basic format.

We have found that the introduction of these ideas to a client is immediately helpful. This is a no-fault, non-pathological way to look at relationship which can cut through a good deal of defensiveness and resistance and allow you as the therapist to work with basic issues immediately. The underlying assumptions are: (1) It takes two people to dance and (2) All bonding patterns are natural events that will reappear from time to time. (3) Relationship is a teacher. We have found that clients who read Embracing Each Other or listen to our audiocassette tape set "Making Relationships Work for You" have an excellent frame of reference for subsequent work in therapy.

We suggest that when you work with an individual or with a couple concerning issues of relationship, you map their bonding patterns as we have illustrated in the previous section. This map would include the three aspects of the bonding pattern:(1) the form of the bonding pattern which shows the selves that are interacting, (2) the vulnerability that triggered the bonding pattern, and (3) the disowned selves that are being mirrored. Once your client or clients have this map available, they have access to a great deal of information about themselves and their relationships. This actually creates an objective awareness of what is happening in their relationship even if they are not yet in a position to exercise choice from an Aware Ego and take appropriate action.

You are now in a position to work directly with the selves using Voice Dialogue or whatever other method you prefer. It is extremely powerful to work with a self when both people involved in the relationship are present. For instance, a therapist might work with Bernie's Responsible Father, his primary self. As she watches this self , Ginny will discover what it looks like and sounds like, how it developed to protect Bernie's vulnerability and how it operates in his life and in their relationship.

Ginny will also get the chance to experience the difference between the feeling of intimacy that the Responsible Father provides and the intimacy of the Aware Ego, a far different experience. It is difficult to describe this latter intimacy, but it involves a total energetic linkage between two people. If you have not had the experience of this energetic linkage, we might suggest that you contact one of the Voice Dialogue facilitators in Australia or come to one of the workshops we will be offering in Australia.

After the separation from the primary selves and the selves that become involved in the bonding patterns, the client is ready for an exploration of the disowned selves that are carried by his or her partner. This is one of the most important teachings of relationship. Each relationship offers us this gift of growth, of embracing our disowned selves.

Last, but certainly not least this work gives the therapist the opportunity to facilitate the vulnerable Inner Child. It is this child that holds the key to intimacy. When the sensitivity of the Inner Child is available, a profound energetic linkage is possible. When this sensitivity and vulnerability is not available, the contact between two people is always more rational and shallow.

The facilitation of the Inner Child in the safety of a conjoint session is a deeply moving, almost holy, experience for both people in the relationship. The observing partner is usually very deeply touched. However, the therapist must be aware of the possibility that the observing partner might be triggered into a feeling of responsibility for the Inner Child being facilitated. The fact that this child is nobody else's responsibility should be stressed.

The therapist who has received training in the energetics of relationships can also work directly with the energetics of the bonding patterns we have described. This involves training clients to master their own energy fields, to control the actual energetic boundaries that surround them, to learn how to link with and how to release one another, and to learn how to intensify or lessen the power of the various selves. These are all very valuable lessons.

In Closing

Relationships challenge us to grow. Each relationship carries within it the guidance for our further development and growth as well as the seeds of its own destruction. We as therapists are in the position to move deeply into the mysteries and complexities of these relationships, to map the territories to be explored and to use the information provided by relationships to guide our clients in developing their full potential.

About the Author

Hal Stone, Ph.D. and Sidra Stone, Ph.D. are the co-creators of Voice Dialogue. They are hopeless romantics and, as clinical psychologists with a combined experience of about 80 years, they are committed to keeping the magic and vitality in relationships. They have co-authored five books. Their latest book, Partnering: A New Kind of Relationship, sums up a lifetime of wisdom. Their books are available at local bookstores or from Amazon.com. www.delos-inc.com