Selves In Relationship: Mapping the Bonding Patterns

by Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone

(Page 2 of 3)

As a therapist, how does one approach this? First, we would like to reiterate our view that this is a perfectly natural interaction in relationship. There is nothing pathological in this bonding pattern and much can be learned in terms of both relationship skills and personal growth. In order to understand these bonding patterns and to learn from them, one must ask the following questions:

What are the selves involved in both the positive and negative bonding patterns? Another way of putting this is: "What is the form of the bonding pattern?"

What triggered this negative bonding pattern? Determine what has happened to turn the positive bonding pattern into a negative one.

What are the disowned selves that Ginny and Bernie are mirroring to one another?

Let us consider the form of the bonding pattern first. As we have said, a bonding pattern represents parent/child interactions between two people, rather than interactions between two Aware Egos. In this negative bonding pattern, we see that Bernie's Judgmental Withdrawn Father is bonded into Ginny's Guilty, Pleasing Daughter. On the other side of the bonding pattern, we see that Ginny's Judgmental Mother is bonded into Bernie's Inadequate Son. Ginny moves back and forth quickly between her Pleasing Daughter and Judgmental Mother. Bernie moves rapidly back and forth between his Withdrawn Judgmental Father and his Inadequate Son. This bonding pattern would be diagrammed as follows:

Ginny
Mother Judgmental Mother	Daughter Guilty, Pleasing Daughter
Son Inadequate Son	Father Withdrawn Judgmental Father
Bernie
Bernie and Ginny - Negative Bonding Pattern

Now, turning to question number two. Disowned vulnerability is always the trigger for bonding patterns, either positive or negative . When we as individuals are not responsive to our own needs and do not care properly for our own vulnerable inner children, they will attach elsewhere for the care they require. It is as simple as that! In this example, we can see that Bernie disowned his vulnerability when he suffered a disappointment at work. His Responsible Father primary self came to his rescue in order to tackle the situation.

By the time Bernie came home he had totally forgotten his upset, but although his vulnerability was disowned, it was still operating underneath. Bernie's Inner Child was counting on Ginny's Good Mother to take care of him but Bernie did not know about this. When he entered the house and Ginny was on the phone and not available, Bernie had a sense of betrayal. But again he disowned his vulnerability. After all, he was a grown man and Ginny was entitled to speak to her friend Mary! So instead of telling Ginny about his feelings and his difficult day, he withdrew into his Withdrawn Judgmental Father and cut off all energetic connection between them. This is an automatic and natural response when there is no Aware Ego present to speak for the underlying feelings.

Ginny, in turn, disowned her feelings of vulnerability and became a Guilty Daughter when she felt Bernie's withdrawal. With no Aware Ego available to her, she tried to mollify him from Guilty Daughter rather than talk with him as a woman about her feelings and perceptions. When this attempt at peacemaking did not work, Ginny moved into the other half of the bonding pattern and became Judgmental Mother.

Question number three involves disowned selves. We have talked about disowned selves in our earlier articles. These selves represent energies, or parts of ourselves, that are disowned or repressed in the growing up process. As each of us moves towards wholeness, there is a requirement to reintroduce these selves into our lives in a responsible fashion. This does not mean that we must become these selves, but it does mean that we embrace them and discover what they have to offer us. It is interesting to note that the discomfort of our bonding patterns propels us into the next stage of growth and our judgments of one another when we are involved in these bonding patterns show us the nature of this growth, i.e., the disowned selves we must embrace.

These disowned selves are like heat-seeking missiles that come back to us through our relationships and provide the fuel that intensifies the bonding pattern.

Let us look at Bernie and Ginny to see how this works. Observe what qualities they are judging in one another. Bernie judges Ginny's need for connection and affection, her lack of responsibility, her ineffectuality, and her lack of attention to detail. These are his disowned selves. His primary selves are more withdrawn, impersonal, responsible, controlling and perfectionistic, just the qualities that Ginny is judging. Ginny's primary selves are personal, relaxed, not needing to be in control, and able to receive from others. We might note that the judgments as stated by the primary selves make the disowned selves sound negative, but this "bitter" medicine is just what is required.

As a therapist, you can see how this relationship is a great teacher for both Bernie and Ginny and how the analysis of the bonding pattern presents them with the lessons they need to learn. We can also see how easy it would be for Ginny and Bernie would grow further and further apart if they were to continue to look at one another and judge their disowned selves rather than step back to see what there is to learn about them.

About the Author

Hal Stone, Ph.D. and Sidra Stone, Ph.D. are the co-creators of Voice Dialogue. They are hopeless romantics and, as clinical psychologists with a combined experience of about 80 years, they are committed to keeping the magic and vitality in relationships. They have co-authored five books. Their latest book, Partnering: A New Kind of Relationship, sums up a lifetime of wisdom. Their books are available at local bookstores or from Amazon.com. www.delos-inc.com