The Dance Of The Selves In Relationship

by Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone

There is a natural ebb and flow in relationship, a movement between intimacy and distance. Even the most ideal relationships have moments in which intimacy is interrupted and good will is in short supply. As we studied the rhythms of relationship and these periods of discomfort, we discovered certain predictable patterns in all of them. We see these patterns as the dance of the selves in relationship, a dance in which the selves, rather than the people, interact. (These selves were discussed in our articles in the two previous issues of Psychotherapy.)

We named these interactions "bonding patterns" because they are automatic, archetypal parent/child interactions, like the bonding that takes place between a parent and an infant. These bonding patterns are our natural instinctual patterns for receiving and giving nurture and love. There is nothing pathological about them. They are apparent in all relationships. We will be using a married couple to illustrate our approach, but please keep in mind that the same interactions can take place between two people of the same sex, between two people not in a primary relationship, between parents and children, between employers and employees, and even between two strangers meeting for the first time. In short, bonding patterns can occur between any two people, or any two groups of people.

The Bonding Patterns

We will use Bernie and Ginny, a married couple, to illustrate the bonding patterns in this section. When bonding patterns are operating in their positive aspect, they might well be overlooked. If Bernie's "Responsible Father" is bonded into Ginny's "Compliant Daughter", the fact that there are selves are in relationship rather than Ginny and Bernie might well go unnoticed. People would observe that Bernie seems to take a lot of responsibility and that Ginny usually follows his lead, but this would not necessarily seem problematical. A positive bonding pattern is neither good nor bad, it just is. We call it a positive bonding pattern because it does not feel painful.

However, because it is a pair of selves and not people who are interacting, there is little choice available to the individuals involved and the interpersonal interactions are stereotypical. In this particular positive bonding pattern, for instance, Bernie is not able to set appropriate boundaries. Instead, his "Responsible Father" is required to meet all of Ginny's needs as they arise. Ginny would not be able to set appropriate boundaries either, but is required to be appreciative and to defer to Bernie. This might be quite comfortable or it might begin to feel somewhat restrictive. As long as this positive bonding pattern lasts neither Bernie nor Ginny will react negatively to one another. Instead, each will ignore any subtle signs of discontent and will remain relentlessly positive about both the relationship and about the other.

The negative bonding pattern is extremely painful, however. One feels betrayed, judgmental, alone, misunderstood, helpless, hopeless, and angry. It often seems that the only way out of these bad feelings is to end the relationship. If properly understood, however, the discomfort of the negative bonding pattern provides us with both information and a great motivation to learn and to grow. It is important to note that both the positive and the negative bonding patterns require two participants. There is no such event as a bonding pattern with only one participant, it is a dance that must be danced by two.

Let us follow the relationship of Ginny and Bernie in its natural movement from a positive to a negative bonding pattern. One Monday Bernie goes to work after a lovely weekend and discovers that his business has suffered an unexpected loss. He is distraught, but, since he is an independent, reasonable and responsible man, he overlooks his feelings of disappointment and helplessness. He mobilizes all of his resources and spends his day researching alternative plans of action. When Bernie returns home that night and finds Ginny on the telephone in an animated conversation with her friend Mary, he feels unexpectedly irritated and begins to withdraw into himself. He goes into the next room, picks up the newspaper and begins to read it.

Ginny notices that Bernie doesn't come over to kiss her as usual and, sensing his withdrawal, she quickly ends her conversation. She comes over to him, feeling somewhat apologetic and says hello. He barely answers her greeting and she asks him what is wrong. In a cool, distant voice he says: "Nothing is wrong." Ginny has the distinct feeling that Bernie is displeased with her but she is not aware of the reason. She offers to bring him a cup of coffee, something he usually enjoys, but he says: "No, thank you." in the same distant voice. Ginny is beside herself, trying to think of how to reinstate the weekend's good feelings and how to make everything the way that it was.

Bernie watches Ginny's efforts to draw him closer to her and he thinks to himself that she is really quite childlike and ineffectual. He wonders why he has not noticed this quality in her before. He finds himself thinking about all the responsibility he takes in the relationship and he begins to resent his role as the responsible one. He looks at Ginny and notices that she is a bit careless about her appearance. He finds himself comparing her to his office manager who is always immaculately groomed. Ginny definitely suffers in this comparison.

Ginny sits down near Bernie and tries to read her section of the newspaper and look relaxed. She steals a glance at him and notices for the first time that he reminds her of her father who was emotionally unavailable and withdrawn much of the time. She wonders to herself how she could have overlooked this quality in Bernie. As she thinks about Bernie's similarity to her father, she becomes aware that they are both perfectionistic and demanding. In fact, the more she looks at Bernie, the less she likes him. As Bernie continues to read his newspaper, he finds himself getting more and more uncomfortable in Ginny's presence.

All this is going on as Ben and Ginny sit quietly together. Nothing more is said. We would like to note here that in some relationships, these thoughts are spoken aloud. But silent or spoken, the feelings are unavoidably present and the energetic interaction is in full swing. The dance of the selves has moved into a new step and the negative bonding pattern, with its attendant misery, has begun.

About the Author

Hal Stone, Ph.D. and Sidra Stone, Ph.D. are the co-creators of Voice Dialogue. They are hopeless romantics and, as clinical psychologists with a combined experience of about 80 years, they are committed to keeping the magic and vitality in relationships. They have co-authored five books. Their latest book, Partnering: A New Kind of Relationship, sums up a lifetime of wisdom. Their books are available at local bookstores or from Amazon.com. www.delos-inc.com