Fatherhood is Both a Challenge and a Gift

I perceived my dad as strict, uncompromising and demanding. I was afraid of him. Though I always knew that I was loved, it felt conditional. Dad's generation believed that well-behaved, unspoken kids were an indication of how good their parenting skills were, but I believe that it was at the cost of broken spirits. Always wanting to please to feel loved, I grew up to be a perfectionist and a people-pleaser. Rather than encouraging and nourishing different perspectives on things, my parents controlled us by scolding, threatening and punishing. I acted out of fear and didn't let my parents into my world.

Because we are affected by our past conditioning, many follow in the footsteps of their parents, identifying with similar patterns. Rather than ruminating about the past, I chose to learn from it, and I was determined to marry a man quite unlike my father. Tom was and continues to be a loving, understanding, encouraging and fun husband and dad. He listens and cares. I remember acknowledging many times how blessed Laurie was to have such a great dad. She knew it too….

Perhaps it was because I had a teaching background, or perhaps it was because my generation had more access to parenting information, but parenthood was a much different experience with my husband Tom. We believed that parenting was both a challenge and a gift for us. It was a gift to share smiles and laughter, special moments and personal achievements. Memories are engraved in our hearts. The challenge is fostering a feeling of security and love, allowing children to become responsible as they grow through their mistakes with a safety net.

These are the life messages that we gave to our twenty-six year old daughter, Laurie:

• We love you.
• You are a unique gift to the world. The world is a better place with you in it.
• We believe in you and trust that you can handle life's situations.
• We support you in your decisions. It is okay to take a risk.
• You are an important part of our life. We enjoy you in it!

One of the truly great educators of our time, Haim Ginott, shares the powerful influence parents and teachers have on children:

It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather… I possess a tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool for torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or dehumanized.

My dad is now eighty-two years young. Our roles have reversed over the years. I know and respect my dad on a much different level now, and I truly honor who I know him to be in present time. Tom and I have experienced dad becoming much more mellow. Life's experiences have a way of creating changes in the world around us. These changes often force us to look at life differently. My mom suffered from Alzheimer's for many years. When dad had to finally put mom into a nursing home, the world as he knew it, came tumbling down. It was so admirable to note how much patience he developed as he watched mom lose more of her capacity for life. He showed gentleness and a kindness that I had not previously witnessed. Faithfully and untiringly, I watched dad assist mom in her personal care. We watched mom die a very slow and deliberate death. It was painful. With the realization that her transition was a door to a better life, her death in October became a celebration.

While mom was in the nursing home, dad started to see a lovely woman he met at church Bingo. We were happy for him. We believed that he deserved to have some joy amidst the pain he was dealing with on a daily basis. At eighty-six young, Marie actually seems much healthier than my dad! A widow for twenty-six years, Marie and dad spent time playing cards, attending church, eating together and watching TV. Three months after mom's death, dad was ready to marry Marie. Though we were shocked at first, we totally supported them. I believe that this new relationship helped dad to open his heart a little bit more, and isn't that what we are all here to do? Marie is a beautiful soul and it didn't take us long to love her.

Though fatherhood is both a challenge and a gift, it goes both ways. Being a daughter has been both a challenge and a gift too. As I was growing up, I didn't always appreciate my dad. How could I understand that his rigidity stemmed from the fact that his own childhood was devoid of love and nurturing? I realize now that dad did the best he could considering his own unhealed issues. His expectations for us were greater than he experienced, so he worked hard to provide a life for us that was more comfortable than his own childhood. Dad was strict because he wanted to bring out the best in us. Compassion and forgiveness grew as I looked at this experience through different eyes. My perception of him has changed. The fear is gone. I can love him now.

Families come together as a mirror for our own introspection to help us find the pieces of God within us that are hiding. All moments were meant to happen. Nothing happens by chance. The design is perfect. Altering our own perceptions is what brings us peace. Everything in our life becomes a blessing. Love transforms.