Building Self: Gift Your Child With a Magic Wand

Louise Hay states: “No matter what the problem, the main issue to work on is loving the self. This is the “magic wand” that dissolves problems.” As adults, we want to provide our children with the tools and the opportunities to see themselves as loving beings of Divine Light.

What kinds of qualities do we attribute to our children? What kinds of qualities do our children allow others to assign to them? Children constantly assess what kind of person they are from information gathered from others. They attach meaning to every comment and incident involving them. With healthy core beliefs about themselves, children more easily move into their wholeness, their greatness.

Try to catch youngsters doing something right. Often it is easier to notice children not following our rules or expectations. Here is a formula from Dr. Don Blackerby, from The Joy of Learning, that you may wish to use with your children to reinforce good behavior.

• Notice a good behavior.
• Think up an attribute or quality that it demonstrates.
• Comment on that connection to the child.

(Name), I noticed that you ________. That let's me know that you are a _________ kind of person and I appreciate that about you. When we give our children specific praise, they can begin to praise themselves. Recently I noticed a large stray dog in our neighborhood. It was hot and the dog was panting. My little neighbor, Lauren, immediately turned the hose on to give it some water. This gave me an excellent opportunity to share with her how thoughtful and caring she was to give the dog some water. Later, when Lauren was in earshot, I could retell the situation to her mom. This reinforced to Lauren that she was this kind of person.

Decide what attributes you would like your children to have, and then you can create opportunities for them to buy into them. You can help your child grow and develop into the kind of person we value by using a precise model. It was important to me that my daughter, Laurie, learned to send thank you notes for gifts she received. By purchasing some colorful “Thank you from Laurie” letterheads, I encouraged her to follow through on this activity. After hearing much appreciation from her grandparents for the lovely notes, Laurie eagerly sent notes out without any reminders from me. It was easy for me to reinforce how her notes of gratitude were appreciated and how others recognized her thoughtfulness. Without my preaching, she began to see other ways to express her thoughtfulness. Laurie claimed that quality!

Sometimes it becomes necessary to assist children in changing a negative behavior. I believe it is crucial to teach and model mutual respect to all youngsters in all situations. Giving ourselves a time-out, before dealing with children when we are angry, prevents more hurt. We can be kind and firm at the same time, attacking the behavior, not the child's character.

Children who consistently misbehave are discouraged children, and they won't learn better strategies through humiliation and sarcasm. Adults can describe specific feelings they have about the misbehavior without blaming or accusing. (I feel so upset and frustrated when I get the laundry done and find a pile of dirty clothes hidden under your bed.) When children behave badly, we want them to evaluate their behavior and take responsibility for it. Severe punishments interfere with this process and leaves children feeling guilty, angry, resentful and defiant. Sensitive youngsters become broken spirits.

When I was a school counselor, I offered the teachers this behavior change model from Boys' Town. Parents can be successful using this plan also.

• C- calmly confront; “I am really concerned about…” (We can overlook some annoying behavior when it isn't consistent, dangerous or destructive. Pick your battles.)

• H- highlight the need for the behavior change. State expectations firmly and clearly without blaming. Kids hate long lectures, martyrdom and moralizing. Keep it short. (If they deny the behavior, keep a tally of the number of times you note the behavior. They will be surprised.)

• A- alternative choices of behavior: Brainstorm together for some possible ideas. Compromise if necessary. Sometimes reorganizing the environment prevents problems.

• N- narrow the choices. Here are two workable choices. Choose one. By giving them a choice, we give them some control. Children often feel powerless.

• G- goal setting: Both of us sign the goal and keep a copy. Use reasonable consequences that make a connection between cause and effect. (If I have to do your job, I will charge you for it.) Allow experience to be a teacher.

• E- example: Show me what the new behavior will look like. Make you're your expectations are clear. Aim for improvement not perfection. Catch them improving!

It is best to praise positive behavior more than we enforce consequences for negative behavior. We can encourage good behavior by positive reinforcement, letting children feel good about themselves and what they do. It doesn't mean that we have to buy toys or sweets to reward good behavior. Giving positive nonverbal cues- a smile, a nod, a wink, a pat on the back, or a thumbs-up recognizes their accomplishments and effort. Praise should be descriptive and specific. If praise is put in writing, children often treasure these notes. As they reread positive statements about themselves, it reaffirms the truth about them.

Mistakes are an important part of living and growing. Kids are still learning.

We have the powerful opportunity to let our kids feel loved and valued by calling attention to the good things they do, not just the bad. Language that builds their self-esteem blesses them with the “magic wand” to expand their spirit and soar. That is a gift to our children.