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Some General Rules

Never judge a Self. When a part feels judged, it gets very upset and often disappears. If a facilitator feels too judgmental about a particular part, the work should be stopped and the individual put back into the ego place. It would then be appropriate for the facilitator to think about doing some work with his/her own Judgmental Self in order to find out about the disowned self that had been operating in him/her. As one does this work over time, one becomes less judgmental quite naturally because each self that is worked with in another person is waiting in oneself to speak.

There is no attempt to change a particular self. As we mentioned before, there is no attempt made to reconcile the differences between two opposing selves. It is the job of the Aware Ego to learn how to stretch long enough and far enough and deeply enough so as to be able to hold both selves.

Work with opposing energies wherever possible. It is disconcerting for a client to have one part worked with and the other side ignored. For example, let us say the client is identified with a Nurturant Self. The therapist might want to balance this and so might ask to talk to the Selfish Voice. This is likely to be a lot more exciting than the Nurturant Self. It is best not to be seduced, however, because if the Nurturant Self is not given a chance to speak, or not honored appropriately, then it will contract against the work and become even more powerful as a primary self.

A fundamental rule of this work is the honoring of the primary self system. If the Protector/Controller does not want a particular self or selves to come out, respect this totally. If the Protector/Controller says that it does not want the client to cry or yell, make sure, if at all possible, that this does not happen. In this way the Protector/Controller learns to respect and trust the process. This is what keeps the work safe. The Protector/Controller, after all, has been in charge of the safety of the psyche since a very early age. It is doing the job that has to be done until an Aware Ego is born and can take over the basic regulation of the psyche.

Allow at least ten or fifteen minutes' time at the end of the session for wrap up and discussion. Remember that when a client is in a Voice, it is very much like an altered state of consciousness. One needs time at the end to feel the opposites, to share thoughts and experiences, or just to sit quietly.

The Experience Of The Awareness Level

Once the dialogue session is complete and the voices have all been addressed, we have found it valuable to have the subject move over to where the facilitator is sitting, stand beside the facilitator, and face the empty "ego chair." We call this the Awareness position. By having the subject stand, we are separating the Awareness level from the Aware Ego and the different selves that have been addressed. The facilitator then sums up the selves that were addressed and shows their general meaning and interaction. How extensive this is depends on the experience of the facilitator. Obviously, a good therapist can provide an excellent psychodynamic summary of the parts.

In the standing position of Awareness, the client is encouraged just to witness. Back in the "ego chair" there is, of course, an opportunity for general discussion. This opportunity to stand and face the selves is generally a positive experience for people. It is not a hard and fast rule, only something we have found valuable. Standing next to the facilitator also creates the feeling of a shared journey which, in fact, it is.

Tags: Personality, Personal Growth

About the Author

Hal Stone, Ph.D. and Sidra Stone, Ph.D. are the co-creators of Voice Dialogue. They are hopeless romantics and, as clinical psychologists with a combined experience of about 80 years, they are committed to keeping the magic and vitality in relationships. They have co-authored five books. Their latest book, Partnering: A New Kind of Relationship, sums up a lifetime of wisdom. Their books are available at local bookstores or from Amazon.com. www.delos-inc.com