Breaking Up is Hard on More Than Two : Part 2

by Paul Mauchline

(Page 2 of 2)

No one wants to be in a divorce situation with children involved. When going through a breakup with children, you need to take the time to do your own healing first of all. Then you and your partner must work together to minimize the negative impact that your breakup will have on your children as they grow up into adults. Children need both parents' time and attention. Even though you are both divorced from one another, you must both be responsible parents, putting aside your differences so that your children will grow up with healthy attitudes towards love and relationships. Communicating with your children in an honest, forthright way about the breakup can help them to feel safe and secure in a time of insecurity. Over time this can quell any fears they may have about relationships.

Although this research points out that divorce is more difficult for children than was previously thought, staying in an unhappy relationship also can do significant harm to your children. The worst possible consequence is when a relationship becomes mentally or physically abusive. Just look at your local newspaper: unfortunately, I am sure that not a day goes by without an article on spousal or child abuse appearing there. If your partner exhibits any signs of violent behavior and you ignore them, you are putting yourself, your children, and possibly others in serious jeopardy. There is no way that you can have a relationship with a person who is both Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Certainly, in such cases, divorce is justified and necessary.

In most cases, however, these unhappy endings for relationships - and this emotional pain for our children whom we love -- could have been prevented. We need to make better choices early on in the relationship, at that point when we are pondering the question, "Are you the one for me?" First, before even getting involved in a relationship, each of us needs to closely examine whether or not we are ready for a relationship. Second, we must examine whether or not our potential partner is ready for a relationship and is the right one for us. Making better choices up front will save ourselves and our children from immense emotional trauma down the line.

We do not live in a perfect world, and we cannot always make perfect choices. However, if more couples made careful choices up front, resulting in a lowering of the rate of failure of relationships, the world we live in would be a much happier place. We owe it to ourselves, and to any current or future children we may have, to make wise choices of relationship partners. Before making a commitment, each partner should first ascertain whether or not he or she is ready to create a healthy relationship, and then ascertain whether or not the two people are compatible. Finding a compatible partner is only the beginning. Compatibility does not mean that there will never be conflicts or challenges. Love takes a lot of work. Both partners must be willing to make an effort, daily, to create and maintain a healthy relationship. This effort is well worth it. By carefully choosing your partner up front, and by doing the work to keep your relationship healthy over time, you and your children will live much more fulfilling lives.

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The Art of Loving