The Dating Game : Part 2

by Paul Mauchline

(Page 2 of 2)

Another Rule that makes little sense to me: "Don't talk to a man first." I don't get it. What's the problem? I don't mean to be so direct, but who says that a man has to talk to a woman first? Is there not equality today between men and women? Suppose a man is shy, and he would like some sign that a woman might be interested before he takes the risk to approach her. This man would feel relieved if a woman talked to him first. On the other hand, a woman who noticed him and was interested, but who followed The Rules, might never have a chance to get to know him. There are many other examples: You're riding the elevator to your apartment, and you're with a guy who you've seen several times, who has just moved into your building. What's wrong with starting a conversation with him? You never know what might come of it. ... You catch the same bus every morning to go to work, and there's a very attractive man at the bus stop. What's the harm in engaging him in a conversation? ... You're in your favorite nightclub, and you spot a guy who piques your curiosity. What's wrong with going up to him and talking to him? The rule seems totally ludicrous to me: Why must the man always be responsible for breaking the ice? A woman that follows this rule, I feel, misses a lot of opportunities to meet some very fine men.

I find it absolutely incredible that millions of copies of books with Rules like these sold in a very short period of time. It's very sad to see that dating and relationships between men and women - which, I believe, should be a fun and creative process of exploration -- have become so dictated by regimented and inflexible rules. I guess that the soaring rate of divorce and relationship failures have made people look for love in new ways. I can empathize with this desire to find new answers, especially for young people who have witnessed so many failed relationships in their parents' generation. However, I feel that this type of book is taking regulations of dating and courtship to the extreme. Dating and courtship should not have the same type of set rules as a game of Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit.

What do we hope dating and courtship lead to? The answer is simple: what most of us strive for-a loving, intimate, committed relationship with another person. I fail to see how a set of technical rules -- all these do's and don'ts -- can help us create a loving relationship. If a woman doesn't talk too much to her date, never calls him, and rarely returns his calls, how can she ask questions and find out enough about him to make a decision about whether or not she wants to continue dating him or take the relationship to the next level? How can her date learn enough about her to make an informed choice about these matters? Relationships require cooperation and some compromise: one member of the pair cannot be expected to do all the talking and take all the risks. In order to receive love, you have to know how to give love. Clear communication is an essential part of creating a healthy, loving relationship. When dating becomes a battle of the sexes, or when women play hard to get, it seems unlikely that positive, lasting relationships will emerge from this game.

Love knows no boundaries, and does not exist based on the top 35 hit parade of rules. How can you possibly give love when you're concentrating on a set of prescribed do's and don'ts? Dating and courtship should be fun, magical, full of spontaneity and imagination. This is what leads to love between two people. I feel it's up to each of us as individuals, men and women, based on our values, morals, and who we are, to have our own rules. Sometimes it's just nice to experience romance by instinct, intuition, and, God forbid, maybe just listening to our heart.

You should not begin a relationship until you are ready. If you are not happy within yourself and are seeking a relationship to "complete" you, then you are seeking a relationship for the wrong reasons. However, let's face it: most of us need relationships instinctively-it is a fundamental part of human nature. Naturally, at some point, you will want to get into a relationship. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish whether you are seeking one for the right or wrong reasons. There is a difference between "need" in the instinctive sense, and "need" in the needy sense.

When you think that you are okay within yourself and feel the "need" (in the instinctive sense) to seek a relationship, how do you go about doing it? One thing is for sure: you will not find your relationship by sitting at home watching TV every night. First thing you have to do is: get out there! How you "get out there" is a matter of taste. Just be yourself, be open-minded, learn to take risks from time to time, be the one to make the first move every so often, be honest, be spontaneous, and don't take it too seriously. Remember, you don't need to burden yourself with rigid Rules, and you don't need to approach it as a battle. Dating is a process of discovery, about yourself and about your suitor. Find out what works for you. Above all, remember to have fun and enjoy the "game" of dating.

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The Art of Loving