When T.J. Wray lost her 43-year-old brother, her grief was deep and enduring and, she soon discovered, not fully acknowledged. Despite the longevity of adult sibling relationships, surviving siblings are often made to feel as if their grief is somehow unwarranted. After all, when an adult sibling dies, he or she often leaves behind parents, a spouse, and even children - all of whom suffer a more socially recognized type of loss.

Based on the author's own experiences, as well as those of many others, Surviving the Death of a Sibling helps adults who have lost a brother or sister to realize that they are not alone in their struggle. Just as important, it teaches them to understand the unique stages of their grieving process, offering practical and prescriptive advice for dealing with each stage.

It's amazing that after more than fifty years of reflection upon the psychology of bereavement, there has been almost no attention to adult sibling loss. This omission is another glaring example of disenfranchised loss as described by Kenneth E. Doka. A disenfranchised loss is one that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, publicly mourned, or socially accepted, such as the death of a same-sex partner or prenatal death. Other times, the mourner is not socially recognized - as often happens in the case of children, the elderly, and the mentally disabled. Until this study by T. J. Wray, the major significance of adult sibling loss had been ignored, forgotten, or trivialized. She has normalized the grief of adult siblings and empowered them to trust their own intuitions and to follow their natural inclinations on their journey toward healing.

Motivated by the death of her beloved brother when he was 43, Ms. Wray has explored and clarified almost every dimension of adult sibling loss. Drawing upon her own experiences of grief and those of hundreds of other grieving adult siblings, she has given social and psychological legitimacy to this type of bereavement. Lifting up adult sibling loss as having major consequences in the life of the sibling survivors, she has brought this type of death "out of the shadows ... into the light of healing and hope." Because of her dedication, sensitivity, and insights, those who were often "the forgotten bereaved" are now more likely to be remembered, acknowledged, and cared for.

Ms. Wray has written an eminently practical and down-to-earth book addressed to all adults whose lives have been forever changed by the death of a brother or sister. In every chapter, she incorporates a variety of practical, proactive self-help suggestions highlighting both what helps those in grief and what generally doesn't. One suggestion I found empowering was her encouragement of mourners to recruit a grief partner to accompany the bereaved through his or her pilgrimage, someone who can offer empathy, compassion, and guidance on an ongoing basis and who can assist him or her to learn to live creatively without his or her sibling. I also appreciated her references to what she calls "dismissive condolences" - those words and actions from friends and acquaintances which, in trivializing the loss, do more harm than good. She has aided all of us to be more sensitive and in tune with mourners.

Another important contribution Ms. Wray makes is taking with utmost seriousness the impact of adult sibling loss upon the griever's religious life, particularly his or her views of the mercy and justice of God. She normalizes doubt and the loss of faith as a natural symptom of adult sibling loss and asserts that this symptom is usually transient and need not permanently estrange us from cherished religious convictions. As those in grief struggle with the meanings of the death of their adult sibling, they often rethink and modify their understandings of God and develop more mature religious commitments.

As one who has taught classes in bereavement for nearly twenty-five years, I welcome the illumination this book casts upon many forms of bereavement, not only adult sibling loss. Though focused on adult sibling loss, Ms. Wray has clarified the complex character of all grief. Although I have not lost an adult sibling, I have experienced the deaths of a spouse, parents, and close friends. To my surprise and satisfaction, I discovered that Ms. Wray's understanding of the bereavement of adult siblings captured and made sense out of my own struggles with grief and the gradual recovery of wholeness. This book is an invaluable and long overdue aid for anyone who has experienced a profound and painful loss, especially that of an adult sibling.

J. EARL THOMPSON

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Copyright © 2003 by T. J. Wray.

Tags: Death and Dying, Grief Loss and Bereavement

About the Author

T.J. WRAY teaches religious studies at Salve Regina University in Newport, Rhode Island, and is the creator of www.adultsiblinggrief.com. She lives in Rhode Island with her husband and three children. More