Simple, Powerful Techniques that Make Relationships Work

"Why won't my husband ever express his feelings?""
"Why won't my wife listen?"
"Why is my sister such a control freak?"
"Why does my ex act like such a total jerk?"
"What's wrong with people?"

We all have someone we can't get along with - whether it's a friend or colleague who complains constantly, a relentlessly critical boss, an obnoxious neighbor, a teenager who pouts and slams doors (all the while insisting she's not upset), or maybe a loving, but irritating spouse.

In his bestselling book, Feeling Good, Dr. David Burns introduced Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, a clinically proven, drug-free therapy that has revolutionized the treatment of clinical depression throughout the world. Now, in Feeling Good Together, he presents Cognitive Interpersonal Therapy, a radical new approach that will help you transform troubled, conflicted relationships into successful, happy ones.

Chapter 1

What the Experts Say

We all want friendly, rewarding relationships with other people, but we often end up with the exact opposite - hostility, bitterness, and distrust. Why is this? Why can't we all just get along?

There are two competing theories. Most experts endorse the deficit theory. According to this theory, we can't get along because we don't know how. In other words, we fight because we lack the skills we need to solve the problems in our relationships. When we were growing up, we learned reading, writing, and arithmetic, but there weren't any classes on how to communicate or solve relationship problems.

Other experts believe that we can't get along because we don't really want to. This is called the motivational theory. In other words, we fight because we lack the motivation to get close to the people we're at odds with. We end up embroiled in hostility and conflict because the battle is rewarding.

The Deficit Theory

Most mental health professionals, including clinicians and researchers, endorse the deficit theory. They're convinced that we wage war simply because we don't know how to make love. We desperately want loving, satisfying relationships but lack the skills we need to develop them.

Of course, different experts have different ideas about what the most important interpersonal skill deficits are. Behavior therapists, for example, believe that our problems with getting along result from a lack of communication and problem-solving skills. So when someone criticizes us, we may get defensive when we should be listening. We may pout and put the other person down instead of sharing our feelings openly, or we may resort to nagging and coercion in order to get our way. We don't use systematic negotiation or problem-solving skills, so the tensions escalate.

A related theory attributes relationship conflict to the idea that men and women are inherently different. This theory was popularized by Deborah Tarmen in her bestselling book You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation and by John Gray in his bestselling book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus. These authors argue that men and women can't get along because they use language so differently. The idea is that women use language to express feelings, whereas men use language to solve problems. So when a woman tells her husband that she's upset, he may automatically try to help her with the problem that's bugging her because that's how his brain is wired. But she simply wants him to listen and acknowledge how she feels, so she gets more upset when he tries to "help'' her. They both end up leeling frustrated and misunderstood. You may have observed this pattern in yourself and someone you're not getting along with, such as your spouse.

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© 2008 by David D. Burns, M.D.

Tags: Relationships, Relationship Conflicts, Marriage

About the Author

David D. Burns, M.D., is an adjunct clinical professor of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at the Stanford University School of Medicine and has served as Visiting Scholar at Harvard Medical School. He conducts lectures and workshops throughout the United States and Canada for healthcare professionals and for the general public and has received numerous media and research awards. His bestselling book, Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, has sold more than four million copies worldwide and is the book most often recommended by American and Canadian mental health professionals to patients suffering from anxiety and depression. More