Arguing, Power Struggles and Emotional Communication

by Susan Lanir, M.S.W., C.S.W.

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year. We truly love each other and plan to be together forever. I left for school this year so now we have a long-distance relationship. We have been having problems lately that we cannot pinpoint. We have always had petty arguments but now they are intense. He tells me that I blow up when we have arguments and that I make a big deal out of the issue. He wants to know what is wrong with me. He says that it seems like I always want to be right. He tells me have a bad habit of cutting him off while he is speaking in an argument, which is true. I think he ahs changed as well. He acts differently. My guesses as to our behavior is that I am stressed and frustrated what we get into pointless arguments. I believe I also feel anger because of the things he says to me, especially since I believe he also acts differently. I believe he is too harsh in blaming me. I believe that he feels anger because he says he was always apologizing in the past because he was wrong. He says things and things occur that would not have happened before. Lately we have had many long, expensive, emotional phone calls. I am worried about our relationship. Could you please provide some insight as to what is occurring and provide suggestion? Advice: It sounds like the two of you are engaged in what I call "I'm right and you are wrong contest". That is a power struggle. In my experience, power struggles begin to emerge around developing NEEDS AND WANTS that need to be related to. For example, from your letter it sounds like you both have a need to be heard and be seen. There also seems to be a need to listen and resolve past hurts – the secret here is to respectfully articulate and listen to each other about past hurts. That usually does the trick – it's the ability and willingness to enter into a dialogue that is important. Right and wrong, guilty and innocent, belong in a courtroom and not in a loving relationship, where both sides are usually right at the same time (how's that for complexity!). I also suggest that you buy a book that teaches emotional communication so you can learn to avoid the pitfalls you are describing. If not, find a course that will teach it or go to a therapist that can teach you the basics because it feels, from your letter, that the two of you still care a lot about each other. So learn the path of loving and respectful communication so that differences may be addressed let me know if this is useful for you.

About the Author

Susan Lanir is a seasoned clinician with over 20 years of experience on the assessment and treatment of relationship disorders. She is the co-author of the book "Women and Mental Health: New Directions for Change," and other publications. She has been guest advice editor for Divorce Magazine and has appeared on radio and TV, notably Good Morning NY, The Joan Hamburg Show, and the Metro Media Learning Channel. In September, Susan will have a radio show, "The Relationship Corner" in New York City and the greater metropolitan area on station WPAT. Susan is also in private practice.