"when i'm a baby, hold me close until my body molds to yours." When you hold me for the first time as a baby, if I arch my back and won't let you cuddle close to me, I'm not rejecting you. I'm hurting. I miss my first home - my birth mother's womb. Don't let the cycle of rejection begin. If you interpret my actions as rejection, then I'll sense that and I'll feel rejected. Hold me closely until I mold my body to you, even if I cry. This is what I need.

"when i'm in school, please be a 'warrior parent' for me." As a school-age child, I will be experiencing the repercussions of separation from my first family. I'll have fears of abandonment and rejection. Bullies at school will tease me about being adopted. I need you to be a "warrior parent" for me as I learn to live as an adopted kid in a nonadopted world. I'll begin to relax when I know you're seeking and speaking truth at all costs. Be my warrior parent by learning to speak my heart language and being willing to face the hard stuff about adoption. Help me learn to deal in healthy ways with the hurts of my past and I'll respond to your love.

"when i'm a teen, striving for independence, i'll see that you are always faithful." On the U.S. Marines' website, it states that the Marines are "the few, the proud." When I am older, this is how I will see you: committed, honorable, courageous, and always faithful. It is said of the Marines at www.marines.com:

There is a path that few consider, and few still have the courage to take. It leads to a place where being exceptional is not just encouraged, it's an absolute requirement. In order to lead the most elite military force in the world, you must take this path . . . The Marines also have a motto, "Semper Fidelis," which means "always faithful." It's more than a motto for the Marines; it's a way of life. That's you, Mom and Dad - semper fi - always faithful. As I spread my wings to become independent, I'll say thank you.

Draw Closer - Action Steps for Parents and Kids

Parents and Kids: Talk about the "Sweet Spot" of Truth for Your Family Go to http://pbskids.org/zoom/activities/sci/sweetspot.html for descriptions of "the sweet spot" and instructions for locating it on a bat or a tennis racket.

Then discuss the sweet spot as a family. Explain that just as the sweet spot on the tennis racket makes a ball go farther, when every family member tells the truth about adoption, that's the sweet spot that will cause you to grow closer as a family.

Have a family meeting and ask your child to tell you times when he's felt sad, mad, glad, or scared about adoption, such as:

• When I am at family get-togethers
• When I look at school pictures of my siblings who weren't adopted
• When I am in a new, strange place
• When my grandparents seem to be more loving to my nonadopted siblings than to me
• When others make fun of my skin being a different color from yours

Discuss these situations and come up with a nonverbal sign that your child can use to communicate that he's having big, overwhelming feelings. Here are some ideas:

• Thumbs down
• Time-out sign with hands
• Finger over lips (like shhhh)

Parents, enter the sweet spot with your children when they come to you with their perceptions and ask them what they need from you. Perhaps it could be:

• An affirmation: "I know it's hard at family gatherings"
• A hug from parents or siblings
• A special activity your child enjoys

Support Group Discussion Questions

1. How would you have defined successful adoptive parenting before reading this chapter? Use descriptive, powerful, one-word definitions. Then think of an example that illustrates your one-word (or several-word) definition.

2. How would you describe the sweet spot of success for yourself as a parent of an adopted child? Have you experienced it? If not, what might you do to find it?

3. Describe the difference between defining one's worth as a parent, or child, by performance instead of by personhood. How would both a parent and a child behave under each of these categories?

4. What do you need from the group before meeting again?

• Phone call
• Note of encouragement
• Lunch with a member of the group
• Mentoring from someone who has parented longer than you
• Wisdom from the group for the next step you should take in parenting

Now that we've redefined success, let's talk about the wonderful new world you've entered - the world of adoption. You may have lived in this world for years and are now a seasoned parent, or you may just be entering it. Whatever your situation, there is always room to grow in learning to look at this new world with adoption savvy.

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Copyright © 2009 by Sherrie Eldridge

Tags: Adoption

About the Author

Sherrie Eldridge was adopted herself, and she uses many personal anecdotes to help illustrate the themes of this book. She formed an organization, Jewel Among Jewels Adoption Network, Inc., which helps educate people about the unique needs of the adopted child and publishes a quarterly newsletter, Jewel Among Jewels Adoption News. She lives with her husband in Indianapolis. More