Problems with his anger and the way he relates to my son

by Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Dear Dr. Ellen: I have been dating a man who is a recovering alcoholic. When I left him before he stopped drinking, he drove his fist through a wall in anger, then calmed down and accepted that he needed help. I really thought he was making progress. Alcohol free, I never saw any type of anger displayed. The relationship grew and we became engaged last year although he never was able to get along with my 15-year old son. They argued all the time so I broke off the engagement with him. I felt I needed more time. Recently, he saw me at a gas station and asked if we could talk. In a calm voice I told him that I was late for work and that I would talk to him later. He got mad at this and sped off in his car. He sent me e-mails at work but I did not respond. One day when I came home, the back door of my house was kicked in. At about the same time, he called and left messages asking if I was all right. His voice was calm. I returned his calls that night and he never mentioned the door. He was very cool. When a deputy questioned him, he finally admitted to doing it. Now he is sending me online sites about anger management and arguing as a couple and messages about going to AA and making changes in his life. He says that he is doing all this for me. I really love him but I wonder that, if he really loved me, why would he have done what he did? I miss him so much. I am trying very hard to think with my head and not my heart. I agreed to meet with him with his pastor. I have not made any promises to him about a future with him. I guess I am seeking advice whether I should give this man a chance with boundaries or should I walk away? That may sound pretty cut and dry. I just want to do the right thing.

Advice: You need to go with your gut feeling and intuition that is 100% right. From what you have told me, you have given him very clear messages. You have told him exactly what he needed to hear. He needs to work on himself, not for you but for himself. If he does it for you then he will never follow through and he will resent you for all the work that he will have do. Here is what I would say to him since you are asking me for advice. "I do care deeply about you but until you have gone through AA for a year and anger management as well we cannot be together. I do not want to walk on eggshells always wondering what will set you off." The other major concern I have is with your son. What kind of a role model is this man? If you think they are having problems now, wait till you see what happens if you were to marry this man and your son is a few years older, say 18 or 19. You broke off the engagement for a reason. That reason still exists. If you reread your email to me, you'll see that you already have all the answers. - Dr. Ellen

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com