Part 3

Beyond the Mommy Years: How to Live Happily Ever After... After the Kids Leave Home
by Carin Rubenstein Ph.D.

(Page 3 of 5)

I discovered this, and much more, in the original research I conducted for this book, a Web survey answered by one thousand women across the country who told me exactly how they felt when their children left home. I interviewed many by telephone, and dozens more in person. Once I overcame their compulsion to talk about their grown children instead of themselves, I found I had hit a mother lode of motherhood information. They love their children, they will always think of themselves as mothers, but now they want more. And they are discovering what that "more" is.

I also interviewed many experts by telephone - psychologists, sociologists, doctors, and economists - who are at the forefront of research on issues related to midlife. In this way, my discussions helped to expand on and enrich the statistics and conclusions in their published research papers.

The stories I tell, and the women I quote, are drawn from personal interviews and Web survey responses. They are all real, although I have changed all of their names and most of the identifying details to ensure the anonymity of my sources.

Among the hundreds of women I have interviewed, most return to a recurring theme about this stage of a woman's life. It is this: the postmotherhood life is not only not so bad, it's actually wonderful. If these moms had a theme song, it might be "Leave Already" or maybe "Change the Locks, I Want Some Privacy."

My research shows that the so-called empty-nest syndrome, in which mothers become miserable and maladjusted when children leave, just doesn't exist. Our own mothers, the neighbors, and even some so-called experts expect us to fall apart when our last child leaves home.

But guess what? For many, many mothers, the postparenthood phase is simply and absolutely fabulous.

That theme was reflected in my "Name This Book" contest, which I held to search for the best book title among those who answered my survey or visited my Web site, www.drcarin.com. (I continue to collect data, and I invite you to take my Web survey.) The results were sometimes humorous, often poignant, and always quite telling.

Mary, from Syracuse, New York, for example, suggested Motherhood Rocked, Now Me-Hood Rules, which is not half bad. She also offered My Journey from Motherhood to Me-Hood and It's Okay to Be Happy They're Gone.

Emie, from Chappaqua, New York, suggested When Mothers Spread Their Wings, which has a nice ring to it, but sounds as if it would be a primer on postdeath behavior.

Linda of Long Island, in New York, sent in a list of twelve possibilities, including, oddly, Is This the Face of a Stupid Person? I have no idea what that book would be about, but I love the sassy attitude.

Sybil, a therapist in Rockville, Maryland, gave a long and not quite lucid explanation for her proposal, Song of Motherhood: The Remix.

One father even offered Cutting the Cord and Mom's Separation Anxiety. His wife could be having issues, unless, of course, he's projecting!

A few women focused on the negative, including the one who suggested that this book should be called A Hole in My Heart, and another who threw out Life in the Lonely Lane, but they were definitely in the minority.

My sister, Joann, suggested Grown, Flown, Alone, which has a nice ring to it, and she even used Photoshop to insert the title atop a picture of a slightly ratty, vacant bird's nest.

A few of my other favorites, in no particular order: Mothership, Stage Two, Mom in Late Bloom, M-Other, Loving Life at Fifty and After, The Nest Is Empty: Did the Egg Crack or Did I? Waves of Sorrow, Ripples of Joy, Flapping My Wings Again, and Free at Last.

The reality is that, as mothers, we have practiced for this moment for years, in saying hundreds of little good-byes to our children: when they left home to go to nursery school or kindergarten, when they left home to ride bikes or go on playdates, when they left home to drive, when they left home to spend time with friends. Once they leave for college, we can speak by cell phone, e-mail them, and instant-message them, but it's not the same. At this point, our time with our children is brief, and the good-byes are longer and more definitive. Most of them have already left home, emotionally if not physically, and they are all too eager to grow up and away from us.

Still, happy good-byes are what most of us want for our children. We want to send them out into the world, confident and secure and joyful. We're all in the business of parenting to work ourselves out of a job.

Think about mothers who have children who are unable to leave home, like one I interviewed recently. Her child has a congenital neurological disorder, does not speak or move, and spends all day in a wheelchair. She has devoted her life to becoming his advocate, raising money to help prevent and cure his rare disease. Meanwhile, though, the boy is dependent on her for everything. She dresses him, bathes him, connects his feeding tubes, secures him to his chair. She is thrilled when a doctor mistakes him for a victim of cerebral palsy, a higher-functioning disease than the one he has. She would give anything to be able to launch her child into the world as an independent young man, out on his own.

Remember that it is a blessing to have children who are able to leave home. Be grateful and proud that they can do so.

Copyright © 2007 by Carin Rubenstein, Ph.D.

About the Author

Carin Rubenstein earned a Ph.D. in social/personality psychology from New York University, with a specialty in survey research. Her dissertation was a study of loneliness in America, which she published as a book, called In Search of Intimacy. In those early years, when she was quite young but didn't realize it, she worked as a research assistant for Gail Sheehy, conducting the survey work for several of Sheehy's books. Her first job was as an editor at Psychology Today, which in those days was a respectable, national magazine. She was also an editor, briefly, at The New York Times and at Time-Life (as it was known in those long-ago days). She has been a free-lance writer for many magazines, including Family Circle and Self and Glamour. She also wrote The Sacrificial Mother, about the dangers of giving up too much of yourself for your children. In recent years, she wrote for a regional edition of The New York Times. The moment that her second and last child left home for college, she rushed to her desk and wrote this book, mostly to avoid the pangs of loss.