Flying High : Part 1

Electroboy: A Memoir of Mania
by Andy Behrman

Electroboy is an emotionally frenzied memoir that reveals with kaleidoscopic intensity the terrifying world of manic depression. For years Andy Behrman hid his raging mania behind a larger-than-life personality. He sought a high wherever he could find one and changed jobs the way some people change outfits: filmmaker, PR agent, art dealer, stripper-whatever made him feel like a cartoon character, invincible and bright. Misdiagnosed by psychiatrists and psychotherapists for years, his condition exacted a terrible price: out-of-control euphoric highs and tornadolike rages of depression that put his life in jeopardy.

Ignoring his crescendoing illness, Behrman struggled to keep up appearances, clinging to the golden-boy image he had cultivated in his youth. But when he turned to art forgery, he found himself the subject of a scandal lapped up by the New York media, then incarcerated, then under house arrest. And for the first time the golden boy didn't have a ready escape hatch from his unraveling life. Ingesting handfuls of antidepressants and tranquilizers and feeling his mind lose traction, he opted for the last resort: electroshock therapy.

At once hilarious and harrowing, Electroboy paints a mesmerizing portrait of a man held hostage by his in-satiable desire to consume. Along the way, it shows us the New York that never sleeps: a world of strip clubs, after-hours dives, and twenty-four-hour coffee shops, whose cheap seductions offer comfort to the city's lonely souls. This unforgettable memoir is a unique contribution to the literature of mental illness and introduces a writer whose energy may well keep you up all night.

In Manhattan, even at 5:00 a.m., it's easy to find someone to talk to if you can't sleep. There's an entire network of actors, writers, bartenders, prostitutes, and drug dealers hanging out in after-hours bars and clubs across the city, waiting to transition from vodka and cocaine to orange juice, pancakes, and eggs. Somewhere in the East Village, guys with names like Edgardo and León sell coke to kids who snort it in unisex bathrooms. In a theater in Times Square, hustlers called Cody and Shane rush into cabs and limos and back to bedrooms and hotel rooms for $150 private shows. At a bar on the Upper East Side, two women laugh loudly-or is the one adjusting her skirt a man? An off-duty bartender, a guy in his late twenties with a healthy tan and curly blond hair, vividly describes to the bartender and a few customers his most recent group-sex scene, a private party where he and his buddies all banged one of the other guys' girlfriends. "We worked her over for more than three hours," he says. He does a shot of tequila and grins.

A very thin thirty-five-year-old woman, with long chestnut brown hair, tan skin, and shiny pink lipstick, wearing a tight-fitting dress and strappy high heels, brags about the professional hockey player she fucked the night before. "He's a very well known athlete-he went down on me for more than an hour and then fucked me like I've never been fucked before," she says. I happen to be an art dealer, which someone once told me at a Soho opening was a notch above drug dealer on the career ladder. But tonight I might as well be a prostitute. After quite a few lines of cocaine and more than ten shots of vodka, I find myself trying to sell a Kostabi painting for $3,000 to a minor-league porn star (he tells me he's only done a handful of films). Chad is in his midthirties, big and muscular, with huge hands that envelop the shot glass. The more coke we do, the closer he seems to meeting my asking price. He's in New York hustling for the month and wiring money back to his wife and two kids in Las Vegas. I'm telling him that he can flip the painting for $5,000 in a day because I'm giving him a price that's even lower than wholesale, or he can wait to take it to Christie's and maybe get even more money at auction.

He actually seems interested and takes my card. I stash my to-do list in my pocket and buy a kamikaze for each of us and a round of drinks for a group of faceless people across the bar speaking what sounds like a Slavic language, although the bartender, Mike, tells me it's Turkish. But it's nearly dawn and I'm drunk and wired, so my linguistic skills aren't quite there. It's too late to start talking to them about Turkey. Actually, I don't know much about Turkey except what the capital is. But I really want to talk to them and be a part of their group and its momentum, even if it's just to tell them I've heard about Ankara. Time is kind of frozen, and I feel like I'm going to live forever. I fear I'm going to be awake all night and can't imagine my head resting on my pillow. Will I ever sleep again? I don't sleep much-maybe two or three hours a night, sometimes not at all for a day or two at a time-so I end up killing a fair amount of my time hanging out downtown, drinking and doing drugs with my insomniac friends. I like the night. I'm scared that it's going to get light out soon, so I leave these people and journey back to the Upper West Side, which seems as far away as Poughkeepsie. In the cab, I throw my head back. I'm going to force myself to get some sleep and hide from the impending brightness-it's only minutes away.

6:35 a.m.

I'm lying between my chocolate brown, maroon, and hunter green paisley Ralph Lauren sheets wearing Calvin Klein briefs and feeling very un-Lauren, and frantic and guilty for wearing Calvin Klein briefs. I start worrying about whether or not it's acceptable to wear Calvin Klein briefs and sleep with a Ralph Lauren comforter. At last I decide that it's perfectly okay to mix and match. The elastic is irritating me, so I push the briefs down and they get lost in the sheets for a few days. Now I'm totally naked and relieved. Is it okay to sleep alone naked? I won't tell anyone.

These sheets are supposed to be comfortable. That's what the saleswoman told me-something about the high thread count.

Six hundred. She should recommend sleeping naked to her customers. But the dramatic swirling pattern agitates me. $100,000 split between Dave and me isn't fair. I'm in the mood for French toast. I can't get comfortable, so I get up and put on Abba's "Waterloo," turn on the lights, and start counting $100 bills from a shoe box I keep underneath my bed. Fifteen minutes later I've got $85,000. I double-check it. This time it comes to $83,000.

Shit. I'm not going to count it again. I put three 3-inch-thick piles of cash back into the navy blue shoe box with "Ralph Lauren" embossed in gold on it. There's also 25,000 deutsche marks in the box-about $10,000. This is my German reserve, my strudel money. I put it back under the bed. I rubber-band $50,000, bring it into the kitchen, and stack it neatly in the freezer next to some Perdue chicken breasts, an old pint of Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey, a frosty bottle of Absolut, some half-empty ice-cube trays, and a bottle of amyl nitrate. It'll be safe here. I'll probably go through it quickly anyhow.

I get back into bed. Dave is a fucking cheat. He doesn't even deserve a dime on this deal. I'd love a bagel. The trucks outside sound like rockets being launched. They carry milk, soda, fruit, and beer. All of this will end up in supermarkets today. I walk back into the kitchen, take an Amstel Light from the refrigerator, and swallow three blue Klonopin and two plain white Ambien to try to knock myself out. I look in the mirror. Five more pounds to go. Legs look good. Big deal. That's a genetic thing. From my balcony, I see a man walking his cocker spaniel. I open the sliding glass door and drop the beer bottle four floors down onto the street.

About the Author

Andy Behrman is a manic depressive who has undergone nineteen electroshock treatments. He has worked as a PR agent and an art dealer. His writing has been featured most recently in The New York Times Magazine. A graduate of Wesleyan University, he knows most of the all-night diners and after-hours bars in the major cities across the country. He currently lives mania-free on the Upper West Side of Manhattan.