Snow : Part 4

The Ice Queen
by Alice Hoffman

(Page 4 of 7)

My brother and I hadn't had a real conversation in years. Too busy, lives too far apart. But after the funeral he sat beside me on the couch. He was allergic to cats, just as I was, and his eyes had already begun to water because of Giselle.

"This is not going to do you any good," Ned told me. "You can't stay here."

Logical still, as if it mattered. Logical then, as well. I thought of the morning of my mother's death; before my grandmother had arrived, I'd wandered out in my pajamas and saw him in the kitchen. I think he might have been cleaning up. He was orderly even then. It's too early, Ned had told me. Go back to bed. I did exactly that. Two days later we'd sat together, side by side on folding chairs at my mother's funeral, held at the gravesite. A few of my mother's friends were there, all in black dresses. Ned wore a black suit, borrowed probably. I'd never seen it before. I had a navy blue dress with a lace collar that I'd snipped off with the same shears I'd used to cut my hair. There was a plain pine coffin, closed. Still, I'd read enough fairy tales to know the dead were not necessarily gone. Our mother might have been asleep, under a spell, ready to rap on the coffin from within and beg, Let me out!

It could happen at any time. The sky was gray; there was ice on the ground. And then I saw that Ned was crying. He was quiet about it. He didn't make a sound. I don't think I'd ever seen him do that before, so I quickly looked away. And then the coffin looked different. Shut tight. Over and done.

At my grandmother's service, Ned and I were the only mourners. Same kind of plain pine box, same graveyard. We had never gotten around to putting a marker on my mother's grave, and I was glad of this. I didn't want to know exactly where she'd been buried. Maybe she hadn't been buried at all. Maybe I'd been wrong and she had indeed flung open the wooden box to run through the dark and the cold the moment we'd left the gravesite. I looked for footprints, though it had been more than twenty years. Only the scratch scratch of birds. And something else - the tracks of a fox.

Ned had not only handled my grandmother's affairs, he'd already done the research needed to set my life in order as well. He had found me a job, at the public library in Orlon, and a cottage to rent only a few blocks from the university campus. We debated the merits of a move. Statistically, the odds weren't on Ned's side. Had money been involved, I would have bet my future consisted of twenty more years in my grandmother's house, wearing my bathrobe. But my brother was a worthy opponent, methodical if nothing else, and a challenge never deterred him, even if that challenge was me.

While I was moping about and eating cornflakes, Ned packed up the house, called the real estate agent, had new tires put on my car. And so it was. I was leaving New Jersey. My colleagues wanted to give me a going-away party at the library, but without me, there was no one to organize it. I took the cat with me. I had no choice. Giselle jumped in the car and made herself comfortable on my brother's jacket, ensuring that Ned would sneeze all the way down to Florida.

It was an unseasonably hot day when we left. The air was sulfur-colored, gray around the edges, and the humidity was at 98 percent.

"This will get you used to Florida." Ned was oddly joyful.

There was sheet lightning ahead of us on the New Jersey Turnpike, the silent sort that is so vivid it can light up the whole sky. My brother was delighted by the weather; his department was currently involved in a lightning study and he was one of the project advisers.

"Without thunderstorms, the earth would lose its electrical charge in less than an hour," Ned told me.

He kept notes on the storm as I drove. I was used to being alone, accustomed to talking to myself; without thinking, I made another wish aloud, despite how it burned. I wished lightning would strike me.

"Like hell you do," my brother said. One of the tasks of the meteorology department at Orlon was to work with a team of physicians and biologists, addressing neurological injuries found in lightning-strike victims. "You have no idea of the damage that can be done. None whatsoever."

But it didn't really matter. I had made another death wish, and I could tell what was to come from the bitter taste in my mouth.

It was too late to take it back.

Copyright © 2005 by Alice Hoffman

About the Author

Alice Hoffman was born in New York City on March 16, 1952 and grew up on Long Island. After graduating from high school in 1969, she attended Adelphi University, from which she received a BA, and then was a Mirrellees Fellowship at the Stanford University Creative Writing Center, which she attended in 1973 and 74, receiving an MA in creative writing.