Weight Loss - The Invisibility Cloak

Winning After Losing: Keep Off the Weight You've Lost - Forever
by Stacey Halprin

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Joshua, who had been married for ten years, said his wife Sheila had a very hard time with his new visibility. "I was in shape when we got married, but after years of having a desk job and hardly ever working out, I gained about twenty-five pounds. After I lost weight, Sheila noticed that other women-attractive women-were checking me out. A couple of times when we were in nightclubs, other women hit on me right in front of her. But instead of being mad at them, she took it out on me, like I was somehow asking for the attention and advances. Sheila is gorgeous and has no reason to be jealous of anyone, but for the first year after I lost weight, I think she sort of wished I'd put it back on. She's settled down now, but she still doesn't like it when other women look at me with open admiration."

Some of the married women said they felt very uncomfortable making eye contact with men when they first lost weight because they didn't want to be tempted by the attention from attractive men and they didn't want to lead them on. Paula said, "I was worried that after I lost weight I'd have to deal with men's advances, but not one man came knocking on my door! Sometimes I could see men checking me out, but none of them ever came up and talked to me or asked me out. It was funny in a way because that was one of the things I worried most about before I lost weight, and since it never happened, I worried about it for nothing." Karen, a happily married woman in the Winners' Circle, said she wasn't concerned because she knew that whatever happened, she wouldn't stray from her marriage, so she was able to relax and enjoy the compliments. She said, "More men hit on me now and it's the more attractive men, not the slobs who think that because a woman is fat she'll be honored to be honked at or whistled at by anyone."

Kathy, who has been married for fourteen years, said, "For the past five years, when I was at my heaviest, my husband had every excuse for not making love with me. When he started paying attention to me again, and making moves to get me back into bed with him, I felt happy and pissed off at the same time. It was really confusing. I mean, there I was the same person I'd always been, but when I was forty pounds heavier, he could hardly look into my eyes or kiss me. It took a few months of couples' therapy to get us back on track and to help me get over my feelings of anger and rejection. It was worth every hour and dollar we put into it. All I can say is that staying stuck in your anger isn't any better than staying stuck in your fat. Find a way to get over it and get on with what's most important to you. Now when my husband checks me out or when he gives me a whistle or a wink, I love it and I don't hesitate to make the most of the moment."

Most of the single women ate up the new attention they got from men, but some of them said it scared them because it made them want to pursue every opportunity and some were worried that they'd throw all caution to the wind and take chances they knew they shouldn't take. Kim said, "The first few times that handsome men hit on me, I wanted to strip my clothes off right then and there. The reaction was so intense that it sort of freaked me out. I won't go into details, but I will say that I did some really stupid and careless things in those first few months! One of my close girlfriends said I was acting like I was a teenager again and she didn't mean it as a compliment. One of my older brothers told me I was dressing like a hooker. That pissed me off so much that I wouldn't talk to him for a few days. But eventually the comments from people I trusted started adding up, and I had to admit I was out of control. I'm just lucky that I finally got ahold of myself before anything really bad happened."

Gina said she lost two of her best friends along with the extra pounds. She said, "One of them was heavy and we used to pig out together and she's still into that, so I can sort of understand why she doesn't want to go out with me anymore and sit there eating a whole pizza herself while I have a salad and a diet Coke. It still bothers me, though, because I never judged her or said she should lose weight. Just because I don't want to eat like that anymore doesn't mean that I'm putting her down for doing it. I have no idea what happened with my other good friend. She's always been thinner and prettier than me, even now, so it can't be jealousy. We used to hang out, go to movies together, and talk on the phone for hours sometimes. Now whenever I call her she always says she's busy and has this or that she has to do and she says she'll call me soon, but she never does."

Don't Swallow It, Say It

A very important part of succeeding in your goal to maintain your weight loss is learning how to speak up and say what you're thinking and feeling. Most of the people I know who struggle with their weight also have trouble being assertive and saying what they want to other people. It's almost as if they don't think they deserve to have opinions, or that they don't have a right to say what they think. This seems to go hand in hand with having low self-esteem and being people pleasers. They want so much for other people to accept them and like them that they're afraid to say anything that might upset someone else, no matter how many things these other people might say that upset them. Learning to appreciate yourself more, including your opinions, and being willing to set better boundaries with other people are important steps toward feeling good about yourself and creating the mind-set you need to maintain your weight loss.

Margaret, who has been in the Winners' Circle for several years, says, "I used to play this whole tape in my head that people didn't like me and wouldn't accept me. I didn't think anyone cared about my opinions or what was important to me. I wouldn't even give them a chance to reject me; I'd do it for them. Now I go into social situations feeling more confident in myself. Whether people like me or agree with me doesn't matter to me as much as it did before-even if I get a brush-off. Before, it would have crushed me. Now, I can get past it."

My therapist, Amy Ojerholm, says, "Learning to find and use your authentic voice is an important part of mental health and can support your goal to maintain a healthy weight." Here are some helpful ideas for finding your own voice and speaking your truth to others in a way that they will be able to hear what you're saying. Learning these skills will add a few more coping mechanisms to your repertoire, both in dealing with people you already know and when you are confronted by new people and situations that you are not yet comfortable with. These skills will also help you to communicate more effectively and assist you in setting healthy boundaries.

About the Author

Stacey Halprin lives in New York City.