We've been arguing every night over little things

by Barbara Meyer, M.S.W., C.S.W.

I'm 22 and my girlfriend is also 22. My girlfriend and I have been living together just over a year now and thing are starting to go sour. I've been through relationships in the past that have had problems around this time, but I really love her and I've been thinking about asking her t marry me since the very instant we met. Lately though, we've been arguing every night over little things, we're not having sex nearly as much anymore, we're starting to avoid subjects that we might argue about, which ends up having the effect of little things getting bottled up until they are huge! I feel more and more like the intimacy we do share is forced and we almost broke up a few nights ago, I'm getting that whole "the honeymoon is over feeling". I understand that this is natural cycle that couples go though, but how do you get through it? How do you get past it? When we argue now, it's less and less like a lover's quarrel and more like a knock down, drag out insult hurling contest. She told me last night "how I used to be". According to her I was kind and living and interested in her and caring. You'd never know it to see us fight. It's not just me though. She let's everything get to her now and seems to cut me no slack. The simplest thing will cause her to fly in to a rage or cry or both. What's worse is that I remember when I couldn't bear to see her cry, now I just try to raise my voice to be heard over the sobbing. How f...ed up is that? The bottom line is, I love her more than I have ever loved anyone in my life, but I can't go on with the way we are treating each other. I can't stand the way she treats me and I can't stand the way I treat her. I'm hurting her every day and I hate it. Out intimacy is going to hell and we are no longer a "safe place" to each other. Is there anything that couples in this situation can do? How do you get out of this disillusionment stage of a relationship and move on the next level? What can I do to salvage this? We've both been hurt in the past and I can feel us both starting to get ready to cut our losses. Help!

Advice: It is not unusual for relationships to hit a "wall" after a while. Before you give up, I suggest that you re-vision the relationships, e.g. Talk about what the original agreement was (every relationship starts with an agreement – expectations, roles, etc.) - and then see if you can discover together what ha s change sand where you both want to be now. Nothing stays the same and if you both intend to make this relationship work, you can give it a chance by acknowledging the changes and working with them. This can be very exciting. You have nothing to lose by attempting this and if you cannot salvage it, you will at least know what you gave it your best shot. Hope it works.

About the Author

Barbara Meyer is a clinician who specializes in many different types of relationships. Barbara has provided a wealth of experience to deal with all psychological problems. Her broad range of clients attest to her versatility. She is the author of eight published books. An acknowledged expert on nutrition and eating disorders. She has conducted many relationship workshops and is well versed in group dynamics. Ms. Meyer is frequently on radio and television and is presently co-leading the Divorce/Relationship Recovery Program at the 92nd Street YMHA in New York City. Barbara is also in private practice.