I am a 36 years old lesbian who just recently broke up with a woman the same age. I initiated the break-up because she told me that I was not "intellectually stimulating" and that she doesn't think I ever will. She is heavily involved in politics and has a Master's degree in history. I have just begun college for the first time in 18 years, not to impress her, but because of health issues of which I needed to change my career. I have a long history of being in "emotionally unavailable" relationships and have been in counseling for 8 years, which I think is finally paying off. I realized after 9 ½ months with his woman, she ahs been trying to control me and feed of what little self-esteem I have. I know my behavior is a learned behavior and I am now acknowledging it, but how do I bring up my self-esteem and unlearn this unhealthy behavior of mine. Also what makes it so difficult is that we were extremely sexually attracted to each other and it makes it all the more confusing. I've been told by my therapist and friend to completely stay away from her, but I'm craving her like an addict.

In my mind I keep playing with the though – I know this woman is not good for me. If she can treat me callously as a lover, why do I think that we could be friends? Wouldn't the same thing happen? I want to ask her if we could be friends, but I dread the though of her thinking that I'm not intellectually stimulation enough for her (and may not ever be, as she put it), and how stupid I am for coming beck to be treated like garbage again. The mere though of her telling her friends, "Look stupid came back for more:. I know what I have to do, but for some reason it's not really sinking in because I long to talk to her. I'm trying to handle this crazy addiction of my own (I'm too embarrassed to tell my friends) and I know a lot is to be said about my low self-esteem. Are there and support groups for this kind of addiction and to increase my self-esteem? I want to overcome these problems once and for all since they're interfering too much in my life. Any advice?

Advice: I have never been sure about what "emotionally available behavior" is. What I think is that you are attracted to relationships that are inherently painful. I call that pain - dependent relationships. Somewhere in our lives we connect love with pain-and that pattern continues in our love relationships. Your craving is for the pain/love combination. I would suggest that you explore this pain/love stuff with your therapist. This supplies excitement – and that is hard to give up. In the meantime, find other avenues for excitement. Nourish yourself in ways that you never allowed yourself to do, so you can get over the craving for pain. In the meantime, remember all the women that wanted you, and that you rejected because it might have felt too good. Go though withdrawal, continue your therapy, and start noticing the women that want to love you.

Out Relationship Center is going to have a group on love and romance addiction. If you are not in our area, I suggest you go to your nearest chapter of SLA – Sex and Love addiction. It is a 12-step program and can be reached though any of the 12 step hotlines. I'm glad that you are sounding fed up of finding partners that resonate with your worst feelings about yourself. I think you can find (and deserve) a much better mirror.

About the Author

Susan Lanir is a seasoned clinician with over 20 years of experience on the assessment and treatment of relationship disorders. She is the co-author of the book "Women and Mental Health: New Directions for Change," and other publications. She has been guest advice editor for Divorce Magazine and has appeared on radio and TV, notably Good Morning NY, The Joan Hamburg Show, and the Metro Media Learning Channel. In September, Susan will have a radio show, "The Relationship Corner" in New York City and the greater metropolitan area on station WPAT. Susan is also in private practice.