Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Dear Dr. Ellen: Please tell me how I make myself more and more desirable to win my husband back. He has to give me the chance to prove to him that I have changed. We've not been husband and wife now for almost eight months and separated a total of almost 3 years. I love him more than he can ever imagine. I know he will want me again if he will only open his heart. How do I do that? I know I can. I've made so many wonderful changes in myself and continue to do so! But this loneliness without him gets worse and worse. No one else will, or can ever take his place or even be close to what he is. So, even if I was with someone else, the loneliness and missing him and everything about him would make no difference.

Advice: Unfortunately, you have been separated and not lived as husband and wife for a long time. It is easy to live in the past and be in love with the memories you have had together. It is even easier to live in the future and picture your life as it used to be when you were happy together. The problem is that the PRESENT, which hasn't existed for quite some time, doesn't exist. While you are thinking and dreaming about him, your husband has probably gone on to make a new life for himself. Here is the impossible to answer question I always get asked. How can I make someone love me again if he won't talk to me or see me? The answer is, of course, that it is impossible to show him the changes you have made if he will not talk to you or see you. I am going to assume that you have tried and he hasn't responded. There is no way to force someone's heart to open. I am a great believer that if a relationship is "meant to be" then in time the two of you will get back together. The problem for you is, "How do you fill your time until he comes to the realization that you are the love of his life?" You can't speed up the time for him to realize that you are the best thing that ever happened to him. He may have to experience life without you for the next two, five or even ten years before that happens. In the meantime, continue working on yourself. Keep growing, changing and becoming the best woman you can be, not to get him back, but for your own personal fulfillment. Continue learning from your past mistakes and make wiser decisions and choices in the future.

I always find it amazing that so many couples who are unable to have children finally adopt and then miraculously get pregnant. Once they relax and put their energy and focus into other areas, they wind up with what they couldn't have. I find it is exactly the same for women/men who finally stop waiting for a boyfriend/girlfriend or a husband/wife to come back into their lives. As soon as they fall in love again or pursue a career and stop thinking about the past and are very involved in their current life, the phone rings and there he/she is again. The boyfriend/girlfriend who left, or husband/wife who had an affair, wants to start over again. It seems that when you are busy doing other things and involved in living your life, the very thing that you kept hoping for, magically occurs. Anyone waiting for a phone call knows that as soon as they leave for a second, the phone rings. When you just sit and wait for that phone to ring it never does. So my advice is to get on with your life as if he is never coming back. If he doesn't come back, at least you haven't wasted your life waiting for him. If he does come back, you will have gained valuable life experiences during that time that should help you in the future. - Dr. Ellen

Tags: Getting Back Together

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com