Trust, Reciprocity

Stop Sabotaging Your Career: 8 Proven Strategies to Succeed - in Spite of Yourself
by Lois P. Frankel, Ph.D.

(Page 7 of 9)

Trust

How do you develop trust? Why do we trust some people more than others? Why are certain people everyone's trusted friend whereas others have difficulty getting people to confide in them? The answer lies in the degree to which you act consistently and honestly. Consistency is the key to enabling others to know what to expect from you. Honesty lets them know that you do what you say you will. Combined, these qualities are very powerful in building trust in the workplace.

One of the more bizarre cases that I investigated when I was an equal employment opportunity specialist involved a woman who'd filed a sex discrimination charge with the California Department of Fair Employment and Housing claiming that her boss was rude, condescending, and treated her unfairly. She believed that this was because she was a woman and that the men in her department were not treated similarly. When I interviewed both male and female co-workers, it turned out that they did not share her opinion that women were treated unfairly; in fact, they trusted their boss very much. How could there be such disparate opinions of the same boss? Each of the people interviewed admitted that the boss was difficult and could be rude and obnoxious. He would yell at them in front of colleagues and embarrass them at meetings, but they watched him do this to everyone, not any one individual. "It's just the way he is" was a common remark.

The irony in this situation was that they trusted him because he acted consistently with everyone. They knew exactly what to expect from him, even if it was inappropriate behavior, and therefore always knew where they stood. Winning this case for the company relied on men in the department being willing to state that they were treated the same as the woman filing the claim. There was no unlawful discrimination - just one very bad manager, which is exactly what the commission eventually determined.

I don't recommend that you show everyone the same terrible treatment that this man did, but there is a lesson here. Even in the face of adversity, people will trust if there is consistency. Now, imagine the kind of trusting relationships that could be built with positive behaviors! Think of the people you trust. It's likely that you're willing to go the extra mile for them, because you know that they are true to their words and can anticipate how they will react in most situations.

Reciprocity

Reciprocity involves not only the quid pro quo exchange described earlier in this chapter, but also a mutuality of sharing. In a solid workplace relationship, both people know that the other has similar feelings about the nature of the friendship. They know this because there is a mutual sharing of personal information, allowing the human side to emerge. Too many of us have been taught that there's no place at work for personal problems or personal information to be shared. Because we spend the largest part of our day at work, however, it's only natural to disclose personal information there. In instances in which people may be good listeners but don't share personal information, they'll soon set themselves apart from everyone else.

Adults who come from narcissistic parents are particularly vulnerable to this dilemma. They learned early in life that they are merely reflections of their parents and, therefore, should not think that their own needs deserve consideration. They go through life listening, but not sharing their own thoughts and feelings. In a workplace relationship, the person who is always doing the talking may begin to feel uncomfortable about continuing to share information when he or she knows nothing about the other person in return. In reality, it takes very little self-disclosure to create a sense of mutuality. It must simply be enough to illuminate the human side of your character.

At a workshop that I was conducting, I mentioned a personal experience that demonstrated what happens when paraphrasing and asking questions are needed but not done. I was collaborating in the design of a new training program with a client who could talk endlessly about ideas and possibilities without ever putting closure on them. Getting impatient and running short on time, I didn't delve deeply into what he was really thinking. Instead, I took what he said at face value and spent quite a bit of time designing the program I thought he wanted. When I presented the outline and materials to him, it was clear this wasn't what he wanted at all.

After mentioning this obvious mistake to the group, a woman came up to me and, somewhat critically, asked why I'd felt the need to make myself look bad in front of the group. She believed the comment was unnecessary and made me look less than perfect. I explained that I wanted program participants to see me as human and that even though I teach these methods for listening, I, too, have to constantly work at them. Her question was really directed more at herself than at me. It unwittingly revealed that she feared appearing vulnerable and didn't want others to know about her human foibles. Whereas most people in the group got my meta-message, it served only to push one of her fear buttons.

Often, as with this woman, the fear that many people have that they will be seen as less competent or somehow imperfect precludes them from being genuine with others. However, honest self-disclosure can be a valuable tool in letting others see the human side of you, and most people do not take advantage of it. The willingness to be seen and heard can actually be quite a liberating experience.

Copyright © 1998, 2007 by Lois P. Frankel

About the Author

Dr. Lois P. Frankel is the president of Corporate Coaching International as well as the author of several books and numerous articles. She is internationally recognized as an expert in the field of workplace behavior. With over twenty years of experience in human resources development, she is a frequently invited guest on talk radio, television, conferences, corporate workshops, and retreats.