Step 2: Asking Appropriate Questions

Stop Sabotaging Your Career: 8 Proven Strategies to Succeed - in Spite of Yourself
by Lois P. Frankel, Ph.D.

(Page 6 of 9)

By asking questions, both you and the speaker delve more deeply into the content of the message. An appropriate question is always one that is based on what has just been said. All too often the listener changes the direction of the conversation by asking a question unrelated to what the speaker is saying. On the surface, it may appear appropriate, but closer examination reveals that it's really just a polite way to change the subject. An example of an inappropriate question based on what the speaker above said would be, "What did you think about the guy from ABC Company who sits on the board? I'm going to have to meet with him next week." Active listening for the purpose of building relationships is designed to help you to hear and understand another person, not get your needs met at that particular moment. If the listener wants to build a relationship with the speaker, then the focus has to remain with the speaker. Here's how the conversation might continue:

Listener: Are you worried that the project might be stalled?

Speaker: Not really. It's just that everyone was trying to one-up everyone else, and the only way they could really do it was by showing how much they knew about the building site and proposal. I just got caught in the cross fire. I guess I thought that the presentation was pro forma, when in fact I see now that it was a political decision to put me on the agenda.

Now the listener has even more information about what happened, why the speaker thinks it happened, and - without anything being said directly - how he or she might feel. Here is where the third part of active listening comes in - the ability to extrapolate the speaker's feelings from the spoken message by reading between the lines.

Step 3: Reflecting Feelings

This is the toughest part of active listening. It involves taking a guess about how you think the other person must feel. It brings the relationship to an even deeper level of understanding. People who have difficulty expressing their own feelings have difficulty with listening to and reflecting the feelings of others. If you reflect feelings and they're ignored, or the conversation comes to a grinding halt, it's best to drop this step. Part of being an active listener and listening with a third ear includes the ability to respond to the needs of the speaker. If talking about feelings makes him or her uncomfortable, don't push. Not everyone wants his or her feelings reflected, but those who do will appreciate a well-timed reflection.

The same conversation might continue with this reflection and additional paraphrasing and questions:

Listener: You must have felt as though you were ambushed.

Speaker: Yeah, I was pretty mad. I wished that someone had let me know what the real agenda was instead of my having to figure it out for myself. I guess I felt a little foolish.

Listener: I don't blame you for feeling as you do. What are you going to do about it?

Speaker: I'm not sure yet. I do know that I don't want to be put in that situation again - or at least I want to be forewarned about it.

Listener: How do you think you might prevent it from happening in the future?

Speaker: I guess I should talk to the boss. She's usually open to hearing me out. I think I'll sleep on it and decide tomorrow what to do.

Listener: Sounds like a good idea. Let me know if I can help in any way.

Speaker: You already have.

This conversation could have gone in any number of directions - and all away from the speaker's feelings. Active listening helps you stay focused on the topic and not be distracted by tangential issues or personal needs. As you can see, it requires surrendering to the speaker and putting your own opinion on hold for the moment. The speaker walks away feeling as if he or she has really been heard, and the listener benefits from understanding the full context of the message - both content and emotion.

Using Doorway Conversations To Build Relationships

Now that you know how to listen, the next question is: To what degree are you comfortable taking the time to do it? If relationships are the cornerstone of ongoing career success, then doorway conversations are the cornerstone of workplace relationships. The term doorway conversations comes from a client who uses it to describe those moments when someone appears in your doorway and stands there talking about the latest headline, the previous night's baseball game, or a problem he or she is encountering with a child. In the scheme of things, it may seem trivial to spend time talking about these subjects, but in the long term these are the very things on which relationships are built. As Dale Carnegie once said, "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."

Relationships that are valuable and meaningful have three essential ingredients: trust, reciprocity, and genuine caring. There's no faking these three elements. They are what distinguish a casual encounter from a real relationship. This is not to say that every workplace relationship must be of the same caliber as the relationships you have with your best friends, but rather that both relationships share common elements. People who fail to build solid workplace relationships frequently fail to build solid friendships. The same childhood defense mechanisms get in the way of both growing close to a friend and knowing a colleague on more than a superficial level. People who have no trouble building relationships may at this point be saying, But all of this is so obvious! It may be obvious for you, but for people who have never built mutually rewarding relationships, especially in the workplace, the next section is critical.

Copyright © 1998, 2007 by Lois P. Frankel

About the Author

Dr. Lois P. Frankel is the president of Corporate Coaching International as well as the author of several books and numerous articles. She is internationally recognized as an expert in the field of workplace behavior. With over twenty years of experience in human resources development, she is a frequently invited guest on talk radio, television, conferences, corporate workshops, and retreats.