Listening With a Third Ear

Stop Sabotaging Your Career: 8 Proven Strategies to Succeed - in Spite of Yourself
by Lois P. Frankel, Ph.D.

(Page 5 of 9)

The late John F. Kennedy Jr. was once asked what made his father such a beloved figure in American history. He replied that he thought it was because his father was such a good listener. Others had shared with him stories about how the late president could make people feel comfortable and empowered by simply listening. Anne Morrow Lindbergh, author and wife of the aviator Charles Lindbergh, underscores the importance of this trait: "It is not possible to talk wholeheartedly to more than one person at a time. You can't really talk to a person unless you surrender to them for the moment (all other talk is futile). You can't surrender to more than one person a moment."

Listening is the most important thing that you can do to build and maintain relationships. Most people spend the greatest part of their days hearing what others say, but few people really listen. They don't take the time to fully understand what other people think, what problems they may be encountering, or how they feel. You've probably heard the maxim, People are given two ears and only one mouth so that they'll listen twice as much as they speak. But do you adhere to it? There are myriad reasons why it's difficult to surrender to another, and the reasons differ from person to person. Decide which reasons on this list are your greatest obstacles to listening:

Rehearsing. Mentally practicing what you're going to say before the speaker stops talking is rehearsing. The moment you start rehearsing, you stop listening.

The halo effect. This is thinking that you already know what someone is going to say, or putting a positive or negative slant on the message, based on your previous relationship with the person. For example, if every time Bob comes into my office he gives me bad news, before long, when I see Bob, I cast a negative halo around all his messages, regardless of actual content. Conversely, if Ingrid and I have a great relationship, then I tend to perceive her messages positively no matter what the content.

Pseudo-listening. Pretending to listen (and even looking like you are) when in fact you're thinking about something other than the message is pseudo-listening. You know that you've been busted for pseudo-listening when the speaker asks, "So what do you think?" and you don't have a clue what's just been said.

Distractions. When you're preoccupied with other thoughts or problems, you become distracted and unable to listen to the message. Interruptions or noise (phones ringing, people coming in and out of your office, noise from the hallway) make it difficult to concentrate on the speaker's message and are common workplace distractions.

Listening for a point of disagreement. We all know people who wait for one point with which they disagree so that they can look intelligent, one-up the speaker, or impress others in the conversation. If you listen for a point of disagreement, you're potentially missing lots of points on which you could agree and build.

Nervousness. Anxiety about the situation, the message, or upcoming responsibilities impedes being able to fully listen to the message.

Disinterest. It's difficult to listen to the subject or the speaker if the topic is of no interest to you.

Poor speaker. A speaker who is boring, has difficulty making his or her point, or who makes the subject dry and tedious is someone to whom you may be unlikely to listen.

You will have to ascertain for yourself the reasons you fail to completely surrender yourself to others when they speak. Once you do, you'll be able to overcome some of your difficulties by engaging in the technique of active listening developed by the psychologist Carl Rogers. He coined the term unconditional positive regard to refer to the process by which you enter into a relationship believing the best about another person. Without strings attached or qualification, you hold another person in high esteem. To really listen to someone, you first must have unconditional positive regard for him or her. Otherwise, the halo effect overshadows the message. Rogers said that once you have unconditional positive regard, active listening, rather than the passive taking in of information, can help you to assure that you've actually heard not only the message but also what the speaker may not be saying.

Active listening involves three steps.

Step 1: Paraphrasing

This is the act of repeating (in your own words) what you think the speaker has just said. If you haven't really listened, then you can't do it. If you haven't surrendered yourself to the speaker, paraphrasing isn't as easy as it sounds. You needn't worry about repeating the message verbatim. When you paraphrase, the other person will let you know if you correctly heard the message. Paraphrasing also has the secondary benefit of allowing the speaker to hear his or her message played back. After a paraphrase, it's not unusual to hear someone say, "That's what I said, but it's not what I meant." It allows clarification for both the speaker and the listener.

Here's an example of a paraphrase:

Speaker: Whew! I'm glad that presentation is over. Every member of the board of directors was there, and every one of them had questions. What was supposed to be a fifteen-minute presentation turned into an hour of picking apart every last detail of the proposed new building site.

Listener: Sounds like your audience really raked you over the coals.

Speaker: And how. I never knew there could be so many differences of opinion about what I thought was a done deal. At least I was able to answer every question.

When you paraphrase, the speaker feels heard and is encouraged to continue. Done to the extreme without using other active listening techniques, however, paraphrasing gives the impression of simply parroting the speaker. The next step is asking questions that provide for further clarification and full understanding.

Copyright © 1998, 2007 by Lois P. Frankel

About the Author

Dr. Lois P. Frankel is the president of Corporate Coaching International as well as the author of several books and numerous articles. She is internationally recognized as an expert in the field of workplace behavior. With over twenty years of experience in human resources development, she is a frequently invited guest on talk radio, television, conferences, corporate workshops, and retreats.