Success Strategy 1

Stop Sabotaging Your Career: 8 Proven Strategies to Succeed - in Spite of Yourself
by Lois P. Frankel, Ph.D.

Want more pay... perks... or a promotion?

Stop being your own worst enemy - and get ahead instead!

If you've been passed over for a well-deserved promotion, overlooked even when your ideas are great, or denied the bonus you counted on-don't blame the system or your boss. Chances are you've been sabotaging your own career.

Now internationally recognized executive coach and New York Times bestselling author Dr. Lois P. Frankel shows you how the qualities you thought were your strengths may actually be hurting your career. Newly revised for today's tough competition and current marketplace conditions, Stop Sabotaging Your Career offers the secret strategies and psychological tactics you can put in place today to achieve success tomorrow. Don't miss:

• How to expertly assess the corporate playing field and spot the boundaries you should not cross

• Why the Popeye philosophy - "I yam who I yam"-keeps you on the bottom rung of the ladder

• Why expertise in your field just isn't enough-and what critical factors boost your credibility... and visibility

• How an astonishing recent discovery about communication can get you noticed, admired, and respected

• What fast-trackers know-and you can learn-that will advance your career faster.

Chapter 1

Build Strong 360-Degree Relationships

People wish to be confirmed in their being by others. Secretly and bashfully we watch for a yes that comes from another human being.

- Martin Buber, philosopher and educator

If you're like so many clients who have told me, "I'm not here to win a popularity contest. I'm here to do my job," this chapter has your name written all over it. Like it or not, you can't be effective in the long run without strong 360-degree relationships. Even more important, when you need a relationship, it's too late to build it. Consider the fates of two equally capable but temperamentally different world leaders: former US President Bill Clinton and former Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Both are intelligent men, politically driven, and charismatic in their own rights, but both encountered serious challenges at the height of their careers.

Despite his many transgressions, both before and during his term of office, Clinton reminded many people of the kid brother who was always getting into mischief but whom they loved anyway. Those who have met him consistently describe him in similar ways: "When he talks to you, he makes you feel like you're the most important person in the room"; "He talks to you in a way that draws you in"; "He asks you questions about yourself - and actually remembers the answers." I firmly believe the primary reason why Clinton wasn't run out of office for behavior that some would describe as improper and others might call immoral (but most would agree was unbecoming the leader of the free world) was that he was a master at building relationships. He possessed a high likability quotient - something that I address in a later chapter.

To understand how such a bright guy could end up in such hot water, you have only to go back and study his childhood. Young William Jefferson Clinton grew up not knowing his biological father and watching his alcoholic stepfather abuse his younger brother, Roger, and his beloved mother, Virginia. He lived on the wrong side of the tracks, a chubby but intelligent kid. His survival depended on, in part, his ability to be charming and likable. But overdeveloped skill in these arenas became double-edged swords. The same charm that caused Americans to twice elect him president was also used to sexually exploit women. Just as he was elected through the power of his personality, his presidency was tarnished by the behaviors of a man acting much like an emotionally impoverished little boy. Of course, the factors contributing to Clinton's or anyone else's behavior are far more complex than this, but it does give you an idea of how early-childhood experiences contribute to career success - and potential self-sabotage.

Benjamin Netanyahu's political fate was determined by just the opposite phenomenon: the failure to build relationships. Elected prime minister of Israel in 1996 by a victory margin of less than 1 percent, he served only one term before being ousted by an opposing political party. Despite the fact that his policies were met with overwhelming approval from the Israeli people, he was never able to build the kinds of relationships that would support him in the longer term. And in retrospect, he knew that this was a major factor in his downfall. In a January 1999 interview with Time magazine, when asked what he would do differently if he had a second term in office, he replied, "I wouldn't do anything differently on the political side. Where I would do things differently is in the management of egos . . . the maintenance, shall we say, of, ah, personal relationships." A look at his more recent forays back into Israeli politics suggest this is a lesson he has yet to master.

This simple truth is one that many people refuse to understand until it's too late: The ability to do your job is contingent upon having relationships in place that will support your efforts, provide you with what you need when you need it, cut you slack when you make a mistake, and act in your best interests during good times and bad. Taking time to build relationships is the best investment of time and energy you can make in your career for the long haul. It may not seem like it when you have to stay late because you took the time to listen to someone who needed an ear or went out of your way to do someone a favor, but believe me, it will pay dividends when you least expect it.

One of my very first coaching clients was a man whom I'll call Sam. He was the director of sales at a large manufacturing company. When the vice president of human resources called me about Sam, she told me that he was an outstanding and valued employee. No fault could be found with the quality of his work. The problem was that his peers didn't want to work with him. They found Sam to be aloof, standoffish, and difficult to work with. Despite the fact that he was technically competent, he would soon become persona non grata if he didn't stop creating problems within the sales department.

Sam arrived at our first coaching session looking every bit the executive. Neatly groomed and impeccably dressed, he appeared to be the very model of professionalism. As we became acquainted with each other through initial superficial conversation, I noted that he spoke with a clarity and confidence that belied his age (he was in his late twenties). When I asked him what skills he thought his management wanted him to develop via coaching, he didn't have a clue. He said he just wanted to do the best job possible and tried to do everything asked of him perfectly so as to make his boss and the department look good. That's when a light went on for me.

The package that Sam presented was indeed one of perfection. On the surface, his image and communication skills were excellent, but my hunch - and it later proved accurate - was that he strived so hard to be perfect for the boss that he overlooked other critical workplace behaviors. I explored this with him by changing tack. I asked what he did for fun outside work. In other words, what was he like when he wasn't being perfect? Unexpectedly, this unleashed a flood of emotion. Sam held back tears as he said that he didn't have much of a life outside work. He was going through a difficult divorce and had three children he rarely got to see because he arrived at work early and left late. By the time he made the hour-long commute home, he was exhausted, grabbing something to eat and then falling into bed. Weekends were spent working; he had little time to pursue activities and friendships he'd once enjoyed.

After carefully listening to him, I asked if perhaps his need for affiliation was fulfilled at work with friends and colleagues. His answer was no. He worked through lunch hours and didn't want to waste the company's time and money on idle chat or gossip with co-workers. He did notice that his peers seemed to spend time engaged in casual conversation - which he felt was fine for them, but he didn't have the time to spare for chitchat. He wanted to model appropriate behavior for his staff, so he worked at a steady, energetic pace throughout the workday and often into the night.

What others interpreted as standoffishness, or being difficult to deal with, was really just Sam's need to be the perfect employee. Having grown up with strict German parents, he developed the defense mechanism of striving for perfection early in life so as to ward off critical comments from his parents and older siblings. The need to be perfect underscored not only his workplace relationships, but his personal ones as well. One reason his marriage had failed was that he felt his wife didn't understand his high standards. Even though he never said anything to his colleagues, they picked up on the fact that he was critically assessing them. He found their personal conversations self-indulgent and didn't feel that anyone else worked as hard as he did - which was in fact true. No one else shared his compulsive need for perfection.

Copyright © 1998, 2007 by Lois P. Frankel

About the Author

Dr. Lois P. Frankel is the president of Corporate Coaching International as well as the author of several books and numerous articles. She is internationally recognized as an expert in the field of workplace behavior. With over twenty years of experience in human resources development, she is a frequently invited guest on talk radio, television, conferences, corporate workshops, and retreats.