Seven Motivators for Relaunching, Part 2

Back on the Career Track: A Guide for Stay-at-Home Moms Who Want to Return to Work
by Carol Fishman Cohen, Vivian Steir Rabin

(Page 6 of 7)

2. Validation

When you left work in the first place, you probably couched it as "a good family decision." Unlike the traditional housewives Betty Friedan described in The Feminine Mystique, you chose to be home after proving yourself quite capable of handling a demanding career. Friedan's women never had the opportunity to test their professional potential and experience career success. The big surprise is that despite previous professional accomplishments, today's women who decide to relaunch after taking extended leave from promising careers often experience a kind of delayed and watered-down version of what Friedan's women felt. It is not unusual to experience self-doubt about whether you can still make it professionally, or whether, while at home, you've lost something critical to success. How do you overcome these feelings of self-doubt? You need the validation that will come from resuming your career.

Your contribution to the organization and enrichment of family life only gets you so far. Marla, a lawyer and human resource executive, put it this way: "The idea of being independent and self-determined is paramount to me, and while I love being a mother, it will not solely define my life." According to Peggy, after she quit her job as an advertising executive, "It would kill me not to have an occupation to fill in on forms." For those of you without pressing financial need who are returning to the workforce after raising children, the job itself is the validation. The bottom line is that you need to make money again and contribute to the family income, not for the purchasing power of the income, but simply for the legitimacy and validation that earning it provides.

3. Leveling the Marriage Playing Field

Pulling in your own income and contributing in a material way to family finances can do wonders for making you feel self-sufficient, confident, and independent within your marriage. Resuming your work status means spending decisions replace spending negotiations. You put less pressure on yourself to be thrifty when you carry some of the financial burden. You more easily give yourself permission to splurge occasionally.

Yolanda distinctly remembered feeling much freer to go into a store and buy something she liked (maybe even something for herself!) shortly after returning to work. Prior to her relaunch, she rarely shopped except for essentials: "Before I went back to work, I somehow didn't feel justified in making purchases for myself or for the house because I was not contributing directly to our family's income. This feeling was completely self-generated, as my husband never pressured me to limit my purchases when I was home full-time."

Melanie, a relauncher who started her own Web site design business, related, "I was the fourth kid in my family growing up, and my family had to scrape for me to go to college. So I always had discomfort with not being in control financially." Molly, a textile artist and weaver who relaunched as an art teacher for the disabled, explained her delight at receiving her first paycheck: "I told my husband and kids I was taking everyone out to dinner when my first paycheck came in. And I did! It was a terrific feeling to be earning my own money again."

4. Intellectual Stimulation

Most women do enjoy their maternal roles, but being at home full-time makes them stir-crazy. For some of you, a lack of intellectual excitement in your lives drives you to think about reentering.

Vivian craved the company of other bright, high-energy adults. "I missed the sense of accomplishment that comes from completing a difficult project, and I needed to wrap my mind around something other than domestic challenges. Having had an exciting job, with great colleagues and tough assignments, before I decided to stay home with my children whetted my appetite for more. It gave me a kind of high I couldn't get any other way, and once I'd experienced that work-driven adrenaline rush, the desire for it never completely faded."

Charlene, a brand-manager-turned-consultant, cited, among other reasons, the "pride and sense of accomplishment I get from work." Susan, who had been at a large management consulting firm and relaunched by working for the board of education of a major city, mentioned a common theme: "I like working, feeling connected to people, using skills, having an impact, being challenged. I don't like drifting."

5. Avoiding Empty-Nest Syndrome

Although some of you might wonder if it would be better to wait until the kids are in high school or college before going back to work, believing that it's too difficult to juggle a job, along with the car pools, the shopping, and the medical appointments (let alone the housework) that raising teenagers requires, many of you may be haunted by the specter of the unfulfilled lives of your mothers' generation. According to Maxine, a former real estate executive, "I see a lot of at-home mothers whose kids have gone to college, and they are lost. They are leading lives of quiet desperation."

Patty, a psychologist, appreciated the problem from both a personal and professional perspective: "I feel if I don't develop something of my own I'll develop emptiness syndrome" - a condition she had studied in her master's program.

"My mother had gotten kind of depressed in her sixties when she felt like she didn't have much to do, and I didn't want that to happen to me," Kim, the former city planner, confided. For many baby boomers, fear of "becoming our mothers" fueled earlier career ambitions. And that fear returns with a vengeance when you hit forty and see yourself in almost the same position they were in at that age.

Copyright © 2007 by Carol Fishman Cohen and Vivian Steir Rabin

About the Author

Carol Fishman Cohen is a frequent speaker and consultant to employers, universities, non-profits and individuals on the topic of career re-entry. Carol graduated from Harvard Business School in 1985. She was on maternity leave with her first child in February of 1990, when her firm, investment bank Drexel Burnham Lambert, dissolved. After five years working part time followed by six years at home full time with her four children, Carol relaunched her career in 2001 at age 42 by taking a demanding, full time job at a major investment firm.

Vivian Steir Rabin is currently Vice President, US Operations for retained executive search firm Salovey & Associates, where she focuses on recruiting for the real estate industry. In addition to her work in executive search, Vivian consults and speaks on the topic of career re-entry. Ms. Rabin graduated from Harvard Business School in 1986 and joined Lehman Brothers as an investment banker specializing in the media and entertainment sector.