Ambivalence and Guilt

Back on the Career Track: A Guide for Stay-at-Home Moms Who Want to Return to Work
by Carol Fishman Cohen, Vivian Steir Rabin

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Even if you don't become depressed, you may be plagued by doubt: Do I really want to go back to work? Would my family and I be better off if I simply devoted more time to outside interests, like a hobby or volunteer work? If I don't go back to work, will I harbor anger and resentment toward my family? Is this the right time, in terms of my children's development and my feelings about my life, to return to work? Will my children be okay if I have to hire a babysitter or put them into an afternoon program a couple of days (or more) a week?

These questions may be prompted by a deep ambivalence about returning to work. Many of you had a hard time deciding whether to leave work in the first place; likewise, you may have just as hard a time deciding when and even whether to return. You shouldn't beat yourself up over this ambivalence. It's only natural. You may have spent a number of years building a life for yourself as a full-time mother and homemaker, investing in your children, in your home, in friendships, in community organizations and routines. The thought of changing all that is frightening.

Some of you experience ambivalence related to your perception of other people's expectations of you as a working person. Rebecca, a teacher who was relaunching after five years at home, reflected: "Work takes on an inflated importance when you live in a community like mine. When women here go to work, most of them are doing important things like groundbreaking scientific research or AIDS medicine. There is some subtle pressure to have an intense, important job, or not work at all. I had to fight this perception when I chose to take my job as a teacher's aide."

Even if your children are in school all day, if you add up the hours before and after school, during the summer, and on vacation and sick days, you realize that there is a lot of time when your children are at home. And if you're used to being a hands-on parent, you probably can't imagine giving that up. You worry about what impact losing that together time will have on your child, as well as what impact it will have on you and your assessment of yourself as a mother.

A debilitating sense of guilt can permeate your state of mind during this period. Many women feel guilty because they enjoy the luxury of staying home, while others feel guilty at the thought of going back to work: "I actually felt it was the greatest act of selfishness to return to work full-time," Carol once remarked. "This decision was all about me, and only me. Objectively, I thought, it was detrimental to the lives of my husband and children, who relied on me at home. Yet, on the other hand, I wondered whether an unhappy, impatient, and frustrated wife and mother was really better than one who's around less but in better spirits." The media haven't helped, by portraying materialistic housewives feeding off their husbands on the one hand and career-obsessed working mothers on the other.

What Others Think and Say

Finally, as you flounder over whether or not to try to relaunch your career, you will be plagued by unsolicited advice, opinions, and just plain interference from well-meaning friends and family. Kim, a former city planner on the verge of becoming an empty-nester, was urged by her mother to "pamper herself." When she decided to relaunch instead, her friends reacted in two different ways. "I was afraid my friends would laugh at me. But most said, 'You can do anything.' One very tough, highly successful friend thought I was overreaching when I applied for certain jobs. It cut me to the quick. And I really wanted to prove her wrong, which I did."

Terry was not prepared for the reaction of some women in her at-home peer group after she relaunched as a full-time software programmer: "When I first started telling other women that I was returning to work, many were shocked, and asked if my husband had lost his job. They couldn't believe that I was doing this by choice. That surprised me."

Bucking the Perfect-Mother Myth and the New Momism

All these concerns about your proper maternal role have crystallized around a peculiar recent malady called the new momism, the übermom syndrome, or any number of other colorful descriptors. Indeed, according to Judith Warner, author of Perfect Madness, the current generation of mothers has "driven themselves crazy in the quest for perfect mommy-dom. . . . I heard of whole towns turning out for a spot in the right ballet class; of communities where the competition for the best camps, the best coaches and the best piano teachers rivaled that for admission to the best private schools and colleges."

Although Warner claimed that this affliction strikes both stay-at-home and working mothers, as a stay-at-home mom you may be particularly vulnerable because you've poured all your energies into child rearing. And having invested so much time and trouble into full-time motherhood, you may find it difficult to cut back. The question is: How much of this mania is due to your deeply held beliefs about what constitutes good parenting, and how much is due to keeping up with the Joneses in the motherhood department? In contemplating a relaunch of your career, you need to make sure you meet your own maternal expectations, not someone else's idea of the perfect mother.

Copyright © 2007 by Carol Fishman Cohen and Vivian Steir Rabin

About the Author

Carol Fishman Cohen is a frequent speaker and consultant to employers, universities, non-profits and individuals on the topic of career re-entry. Carol graduated from Harvard Business School in 1985. She was on maternity leave with her first child in February of 1990, when her firm, investment bank Drexel Burnham Lambert, dissolved. After five years working part time followed by six years at home full time with her four children, Carol relaunched her career in 2001 at age 42 by taking a demanding, full time job at a major investment firm.

Vivian Steir Rabin is currently Vice President, US Operations for retained executive search firm Salovey & Associates, where she focuses on recruiting for the real estate industry. In addition to her work in executive search, Vivian consults and speaks on the topic of career re-entry. Ms. Rabin graduated from Harvard Business School in 1986 and joined Lehman Brothers as an investment banker specializing in the media and entertainment sector.