Control, Freedom, Self-Esteem or Depression

Back on the Career Track: A Guide for Stay-at-Home Moms Who Want to Return to Work
by Carol Fishman Cohen, Vivian Steir Rabin

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The Difficulty of Relinquishing Control

Although studies suggest that children will survive their mothers' working as long as high-quality care is found for them, you may still be reluctant to relinquish control on the home front. Gloria, a former pharmaceutical sales representative and mother of four, commented: "I'm a control freak. I just can't see myself letting someone else run my household during the day. It would make me crazy."

Although you may think you're indispensable, most school-aged children can fend for themselves when pressed. But as stay-at-home moms, some of you may rarely give your children that opportunity. Monica, a physical therapist, worked while her kids were younger and then took five years off. She was contemplating a return, but was nervous about how the family would cope in her absence. She explained: "I was sick of hearing complaints from my husband and children about breakfasts, lunches, and how things were or were not getting done around the house, but I was nervous about how they would manage without me. Fed up one morning, I decided to take . . . inaction. I stayed in bed and let the children run through the morning routine themselves." Well, the kids (a thirteen-year-old and ten-year-old twins) made their breakfasts and lunches themselves and left on their own. "It was a lesson to me. It was as if someone turned the light on. I realized that a ten-year-old making her own breakfast and going to the bus by herself can be a good thing. She's developing competencies she wouldn't have developed if I were always around. I think about it in terms of competencies developed in the absence or presence of parents." Independence isn't a bad thing to test and encourage. And it may convince you, as it did Monica, that life will go on at home after you go back to work.

The Reluctance to Give Up Your Freedom

In addition to the difficulty of letting go at home, many mothers don't relish giving up their own freedom. Although part of you may long for the paycheck and camaraderie that come with employment, another part of you may be reluctant to give up the flexibility you now have to structure your days and accomplish your obligations as you see fit. Although you may be very busy "doing" for your husband, your kids, your home, and even volunteer assignments, those efforts differ significantly from being obligated to an employer or a client. And while we believe there is greater potential work flexibility now than has existed since the industrial revolution began, flexibility has its limits.

Debbie, a San Francisco mother of three, was a commercial banker who relaunched as a regional sales manager for a women's clothing company that holds trunk shows in women's homes. She gave us her take on the flexibility-versus-commitment issue: "It isn't that these women don't want to work. It's just that they want work to be on their own terms. They want manageable time. They want work to factor into family life rather than the other way around." Debbie took the regional sales job because it allowed her to have this kind of relationship with her work. And she recruits women to be reps who feel the same way. "I recruit women who have entrepreneurial leanings, but who don't want to compromise family for their work." The reps make twenty-five to fifty thousand dollars a year in gross commissions before expenses. For some, this is less than they made in their previous careers, but they willingly pay this price for the flexibility of the job and the ability to have their own business. Some of them do this as a way of keeping their hand in the working world, but in a manageable way.

Low Self-Esteem or Depression

As we mentioned, some women experience dwindling self-esteem the longer they remain home full-time. In extreme cases, this feeling of worthlessness can border on depression.

Kathy, a mother of four who left a public relations career, commented, "There's this whole part of me that doesn't know how I got here. I'm much more tentative in social situations. There are certain topics of conversation I shy away from because I'm afraid I won't have an opinion on them. I don't know what happened to the confident, competent person that I was. All I know is that person is definitely not here anymore. That person has been replaced by a depressed, easily intimidated person who feels socially awkward in groups that include others besides 'mommies' and their kids.

"Complicating this, I also feel as if my life has no meaning. I have no sense of accomplishment in my life, no sense that I'm making a difference for others outside of my immediate family. I use so much energy making everything work for all my kids all day that I am too exhausted at the end of the day to do anything to make myself interesting. I feel completely worthless because I don't have anything to contribute."

We don't mean to imply that depression is an occupational hazard of at-home motherhood, nor that relaunching your career will eliminate your psychological ills. But neither are we the first to notice a correlation between housewives and depression.

Copyright © 2007 by Carol Fishman Cohen and Vivian Steir Rabin

About the Author

Carol Fishman Cohen is a frequent speaker and consultant to employers, universities, non-profits and individuals on the topic of career re-entry. Carol graduated from Harvard Business School in 1985. She was on maternity leave with her first child in February of 1990, when her firm, investment bank Drexel Burnham Lambert, dissolved. After five years working part time followed by six years at home full time with her four children, Carol relaunched her career in 2001 at age 42 by taking a demanding, full time job at a major investment firm.

Vivian Steir Rabin is currently Vice President, US Operations for retained executive search firm Salovey & Associates, where she focuses on recruiting for the real estate industry. In addition to her work in executive search, Vivian consults and speaks on the topic of career re-entry. Ms. Rabin graduated from Harvard Business School in 1986 and joined Lehman Brothers as an investment banker specializing in the media and entertainment sector.