Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Dear Dr. Ellen: I have two very good friends. We have spent many birthdays and holidays together 13-14 years). We all used to work together. Don is married while Sherry is not. The three of us have shared many good and bad memories. Don and Sherry became close - I would call them best friends. Don has not had a happy marriage. After knowing Sherry for a more than a year, he told her he was in love with her and wanted to leave his wife. Sherry told him to go home - he had two little boys and a wife. Don did not listen and kept pressing Sherry for the relationship to be more than just friends. Sherry ignored all the messages/vibes. Don was told by his wife to never speak to Sherry again. (He ignored that wish.) Sherry told me she preferred having a best friend to a mess. A few years ago though, I sensed a change. They seemed to both be in love with each other. My question is this: I am close to his kids and was wondering what I should say to them. Thanks for your help. - Monica

Advice: Dear Monica: Unfortunately, you have no control over what other people do or don't do. You only have control over yourself. I'm not sure why you would want to remain friends with a man who lies and cheats. I understand that you were friends in the past based on working together. However, when you see that someone has so little character and is acting in such an objectionable way, it's time to take a good look at yourself and say, "Why am I still involved with this person in any way." If you know the difference between right and wrong and you are with someone who chooses to do the wrong thing, you should voice your opinion and let him know that you can no longer be his friend because you no longer respect his behavior. That goes for your girlfriend as well. As soon as she saw him coming on to her she should have ended the friendship. That would have been the right thing to do especially if he told her that he had more than friendship on his mind. She kept the friendship going, knowing full well that he wanted more than that. Finally, instead of waiting until he got a divorce, she compromised herself and had an affair with a married man. For you to watch this whole thing and still be their friend meant that you had to hide your own feelings for the sake of the friendship. That's an awful place to be. I think you should concentrate on finding friends who you can admire, respect and who share the same moral values that you have. I do not feel that it is your place to say anything to his children. Children are very perceptive and know that their parents aren't happy. What they need more than anything is a friend who simply cares about them and is willing to listen to what they have to say. This type of situation hurts everyone, especially the children. Instead of thinking about his own wants and desires, he should have thought about his wife and family. If the marriage couldn't work after giving it all the attention it deserved, at least a divorce would have been honest. - Dr. Ellen

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com