Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Dear Dr. Ellen: I am 33 years old and live in Australia. Two years ago I met my fiancée on the Internet. She lives in the Ukraine. We met each other in person six months later and got engaged and had a fabulous time. A couple of months later I lost my job and found it difficult it to even write to her over the internet because I didn't even have a phone. I resorted to going to the local library and to Internet cafe's to send her emails. My fiancée doesn't like writing much and so her emails were short and general, whereas I am a detailed person. Now, in the past couple of months, I have found a good paying job and I was saving to bring my fiancée here. We were back communicating every day on the phone. I talked to her last night and she said she wanted to end our relationship. She asked me not to email or call her anymore. She said that I am such a wonderful person who gives so much of myself. She loves me but not passionately and not enough to be my wife. I love her dearly and want to be with her and marry her and I know deep down she feels the same even though, on the surface, she is afraid of something. What do I need to do to win her back? Do I give her space, and for how long? Do I fight for us and what I believe to be our destiny? I am so confused. - Jake

Advice: Dear Jake: It may be that after thinking about your relationship, she felt that the long distance was too much of an obstacle and moving to another country to be with you was more than she could handle. Since she has had a long time to think about what she really wants in life, she may feel that e-mails, phone calls and uprooting herself is not as desirable as finding someone who lives close by that she can have a relationship with. She's having second thoughts that are understandable when there is so much at stake. There is nothing you can do right now because she is not giving you a choice. She is not asking, she is telling you that she would rather not continue this relationship. I know that it hurts for you to hear that but you are better off dealing with the reality of what she has said, than the fantasy you have that she really doesn't mean what she says. When someone says, "Do not to write or call me anymore", I'd say that is a very clear message. She may change her mind in 6 months or a year and try to contact you again but right now she wants to cut it off. You have to respect that. If you don't, and you continue to call or email, she will only see you as needy, dependent and desperate. You want her love, not her pity. It would be exhausting and demoralizing for you to try and convince her that she really does want to be your wife when she has stated that "she loves you, but not passionately, and not enough to be your wife." I know it will be difficult for you to get on with your life for a while. Give yourself permission to grieve. This is like a death and it will take time to heal. How much time is completely up to you. I've heard from thousands of men and women who have been through similar experiences and years later when they finally meet someone new, they are so glad that they didn't marry the one who broke their heart. - Dr. Ellen

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com