I am not feeling good about myself…

by Ellen Kreidman, Ph.D

Dear Dr. Ellen: I listened to the tape from Light His Fire and I was particulary taken with the "Support Your Local Self" tape. I have always been a firm believer in the tenets you laid out in this tape - especially the one which says to find your passion in life, take care of your needs etc. My problem is - I have done those things and found a lot of rejection after repeated attempts - in both personal and professional avenues. I feel as though my spirit has been CRUSHED. I am an engineer, married to an engineer. I used to be passionate about life. I always wanted to be a doctor (I have an undergraduate degree in chemistry and a master's in computer engineering) and at the age of 36, took many steps to go to medical school but still did not get into the 35 med schools I applied to. Around the same time as I was getting rejection after rejection, my husband decides to have an affair. I then quit drinking and smoking, got into fantastic physical shape. I also love to travel and try to do as much as possible - given that my husband bails out on virtually all vacations I plan - but I go anyway. So, 2 years after the affair - my marriage is in the pits, I have been laid off a few times, and right now I feel so unmotivated to even find out who I am and what I can do. I wonder if there is even something I could hear that would light my spark again. I feel I am at rock bottom. But I want my power back and yet at the moment I feel so helpless - quite antithetical to the way I used to be. What do you suggest to someone who has tried and failed and tried and failed and has only an itty bitty light at the end of a long and arduous tunnel left - if that? I am, for lack of a better word, desperate. My husband won't go to counseling, continues to tell me I have no right to my feelings, and I have lost the gumption to pick myself up by the bootstraps and find that zest for life which is so very short. Even when I am out doing activities, I feel ennui, emptiness and sadness. HELP! -Margie

Advice: Dear Margie: First of all I don't think that anyone with your spirit will be down for long. If you are anything like me, then you'll probably sulk, be depressed and cry until you can't stand it anymore and then you will reevaluate your life and get right back into living life to the fullest. Everyone has a time in their life when they are experiencing a crisis and need to hit rock bottom before they begin their climb back up again. This is your time and it may take months before you make sense of what is going on. I'd recommend you listen to "Light Your Own Fire," and pay particular attention to the tape called, "What did I do to deserve this?" You'll hear about what happened to me and many others who have experienced a crisis and believe me when I say that, everything begins to make sense as time goes by. You also need to ask yourself if, while taking care of all your needs, you found time for your husband. You've done so many things, and that's admirable, but it sounds like the two of you have not done much together. You appear to be living like a single person which can't and won't help your relationship. You need to tell your husband that you've neglected him, and that you understand why he's angry with you but that you love him with all your heart and want this marriage to work. As for your husband, if he doesn't get new information by listening to "Light Her Fire" and realize how he's failed you, I can't imagine you staying in a loveless marriage where your feelings are not validated. My tapes will definitely help but you may need some counselling and if he won't go, go by yourself. You feel empty and you're trying to fill that emptiness with activities hoping that the emptiness will disappear. It sounds like it hasn't. You definitely need love in your life and time to sort things out.

About the Author

www.lightyourfire.com
For the past 20 years, Dr. Ellen has educated, motivated, and inspired thousands of men and women on how to put fun, romance, excitement and communication in their relationships. Through humor and personal experiences, she is able to captivate and relate to any type of audience, the dynamics of building a solid foundation for a more rewarding life. Through her audio cassettes, CD's, seminars, videos and books she has been teaching and communicating her message to men and women of all ages throughout the world. All of her efforts are designed to work together to achieve one ultimate goal: strengthen the fun, love and communication between two people. She has been happily married for 34 years, has three grown children and two grandchildren. www.lightyourfire.com